How do I tell her?

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Okay, I am 16 ( I know it is young), I have just finished my school exams for the year, and I have two months of holidays. Unfortunately, this means that I will not be seeing the girl I have a huge crush on for two months (I live very far away from school). So to stop myself going crazy, I thought I should probably ask people here - how do I tell her I love her next year?

This is not like most situations; first of all, we hardly know each other, almost strangers really. However, I have a general idea of her probable personality (you can find out a lot about someone by observing their appearance and behaviour) since we had many classes together. She seems like the ideal person I would like to have a long-term relationship with. So I cannot really just sit down and talk to her - at least, the idea seems really awkward and nerve-wracking.

Secondly, dating is not really practical. I am terrified of the idea of going into a cafe or somewhere like that without an adult to do the talking for me, and also we live too far apart and I do not drive yet (I see her walk to school most days yet I live about 25 km away from school).

My initial plan was to find her before/after school and after mumbling a bit about telling her something important, nervously blurt out that I love her. However, from what I have heard, that is far too blunt (I am a very blunt person). If we ever do start getting to know each other I imagined we would do it at school.

Also, I have suspicions she likes me too. She sometimes glances at me and looks away if we make eye contact, if she walks past me she will look to the side (as if to see me out of the corner of her eye) and she is very quiet around me (although she is quiet anyway). Also, she once spent about half a maths test staring at my legs. It would be helpful if anybody could say whether this means she probably feels the same way towards me.

So what should I do?

She might like you but tthen she might not. Sometimes when you have a crush on someone, little things like that can seem like signs that she feels the same way, when they actually mean nothing. She could like you back though yeah.

I would just say don't tell her you "love" her. You're only 16 and said that you don't know each other very well. Telling her you love her could just freak her out or scare her off. My advice would be to get talking to her as you would a frriend first and get to know eeach other.

Good luck.

Yeah, I think I knew that would be the only real way to go about it, but I was hoping there might be some other way around (I NEVER start conversations except with a close friend...). Looks like I will have to brush up on my conversational skills, especially asking questions.
Crap, I hope she is in some of my classes next year, otherwise I will not have anything to say to her... I think I can head from the topic of 'was there any homework?' to interests or organization (I am very disorganized, she seems to be very well organized), and head on from there.
Problem is, every time I contemplate starting a conversation with her, I feel like I am going to pass out or vomit (neither of which would make a good impression ). I shall just have to prepare myself and take opportunities as they arise, instead of wondering whether or not I should take them.
Thanks for the advice though, for now I will plan to get to know her.

well said. nothing else to add, sorry. Smike has it covered here.

I don't suppose asking one of my/her friends to tell her my feelings would be a good idea? I would think that would be less of a shock... less of a 'creepy' impression and more of a 'shy' one...

Bad idea. If you plan on getting a mediator to tell her you" love her", don't. That's still going to scare her off. You're laying it on too thick. Get to know her and see if there is any substance beyond the initial attraction. Also try not to idealize her. You may be compelled to serenade her and make her forever yours but you have to get to where you want to be in stages. Therein lies your task.

As far as the her liking you back is concerned, People tend to see only what they want to see in terms of this, we all do it. 99% of the time it means nothing. Just a heads up.

Don't tell her you love her. Just get to know her if you can

Right. Do not take chances. That is my general philosophy anyway, as otherwise I just make huge mistakes and embarrass myself. Now to think of what to talk about...

Thanks for the advice, people.

First, understand that as strong as your feelings are for this girl, you don't love her. Love is not that "knock your breath out" feeling. That is a crush. Second, you couldn't possibly love her because though you've observed her, you really don'y know her. You have an image of who she is in your mind, and you love...or have a crush on that. Love is what is left over when the crush fades away and you still have a strong bond with the person.




Talking to someone you like is usually awkward and nerve wracking for most people. But eventually you just have to do it.



If there is ever a time to get over this fear of being without an adult, it's now. Have you ever considered enrolling in a social skills program for teens with AS? There is one at the Semel Institute in Los Angeles, California...I'm sure there are others. It would probably be worth your time and money.



DO NOT say you love her. When a guy a girl doesn't even know tells her he loves her, she immediately thinks he's a creepy, clingy stalker type.

You can say, with a bit of a macho deep tone, "Hey, I see you around a lot. I was wondering if you'd like to hang out sometime....my name is (name) by the way." It's ok to seem a little nervous as teenaged girls are prone to think this is cute.



Good! I hope she does like you too. If she's quite, she's probably shy like you, so maybe you shouldn't feel so afraid to approach her.



I think you should work on your basic social skills and how to function in social settings like cafe's without an adult. I think you should approach her before the break and ask her if she'd like to hang out sometime, because if she IS interested in you, and knows you might be interested in her, should someone else approach her during the break, she might be more apt to turn them away in favor of you.

The reason why I call it 'love' is for two reasons, both of them pretty stupid:
1: I have had crushes on girls before, but nothing quite this... strong... before. I think it might be because, from what I know of her, she is the sort of girl I would like to have a relationship with, not just because she looks pretty.
2: As one of my more stupid quirks, I do not like using colloquial/slang language, (you may have noticed I almost never shorten two words into one with an apostrophe), and so I dislike using words like 'crush', 'hot', et cetera. I am trying to work on it though. (I think it is also because I just do not like modern society much, being a bit old-fashioned).

As to the dating thing, I think I probably could go to a cafe myself (I have ordered food for myself without anyone else around, but I was not paying, since my Dad had already found a table). The main issue is that I live way too far away, and I would just have to happen to have a fair amount of spare time in my school zone. I could get my parents to drive me in, but since petrol is so expensive they do not like taking one person into town for one thing, then taking them back again. Also, I have not told anyone in my family about this girl, only the two friends at school I trust the most.

When it comes to starting a conversation, my plan is to - before class - ask her if there was any homework (though the right circumstances could be hard to get). If we get to know each other a bit, on a day when I walk through the park to catch the train home I could ask her if she would like to walk through the park with me. That is my current idea, though getting started could be a problem. My main social skills issue is that I do not ask questions - I simply do not know what to say. Someone says 'hi', I say 'hello' and the conversation ends.

Last edited by E-FrameZenderblast on 27 Nov 2010, 1:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

If I were you I would NOT tell her you love her. Get her email and/or facebook. Technology makes relationships far easier for those on the spectrum at times(not always) That way you can arrange a date or hanging out or possibly play some game or chat/email each other(far far easier) That way you get to know her, don't freak her out, and etc. Maybe she likes parks, museums, libraries, or would like to go ice skating....or some such.....

Perhaps I'm just cynical but I think people fall in love several times and most people fall in love with the idea of being in love with a certain type of person. Perhaps your in love with the idea of being in love.........just a thought.

As to email/facebook etc., I do not go for those things. Despite having Asperger Syndrome, I do not like using such things, and ALL of my social interaction takes place face-to-face with people in the flesh. If you ask what I am doing at Wrong Planet, it is because I have absolutely nothing to do for these long holidays and I am here more for having more to do with people I can relate to and getting help for my problems, not starting a facebook-y 'friend' list and chatting about pointless stuff.

Surely not using technology would help me get better social skills?

Being in love with a certain type of person... maybe, I have this mental list of what qualities I would like my girlfriend to have and this girl fits the big ones. Other girls I have had crushes on do not fit really; I just find them physically attractive more often than not. Also, I sometimes get scared I might end up alone for my whole life: lots of people with Aspergers seem to be alone, and lots of philosophers too. I am both, so I might be a bit desperate even though I have many years ahead of me to have relationships.