If a partner doesn't lead to happiness...

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what does?

I've heard time and time again the "just follow your passions and love will follow" mantra repeated ad nauseam, and I just want to say that such doesn't really lead to happiness. In my experience, following my passions -- music, audio tech, computers, etc -- generally don't make me feel "happy" when I engage in them. Even video gaming feels less like a true path of enjoyment for me and more just something I do. Generally, immersing myself in these interests just leads to undue stress as I get more involved in projects or other work surrounding these fields. For example, this past sunday I had to work 14 hours straight, from 7AM to 9PM, on a volunteer basis due to audio work, with only one meal break in there. If I was getting compensated I would just attribute it as "part of the job" and just deal with it. But I ended up getting overly stressed for nothing because I was "following my passions".

The only way I feel anything approaching enjoyment is through the love and appreciation of others. The closer and more meaningful the love and appreciation is, the greater an impact it has (on an exponential curve). I can't just "appreciate myself" as it were, as it is human nature to inflate self-worth, and as such I am an unreliable judge of my own character (which is why I assume the most negative outlook on the self as possible, to avoid an over-inflated ego). So I rely on other people to give me positive feedback to counter-balance.

Well, Toad, the one person you have to wake up to every day is yourself.

Find a way to be happy with what you see in the mirror. If this is not possible for you to do, then all I can say is you're screwed.

Yeah, being happy with yourself does ultimately help.
I'm not most of the time, but i'm learning, and it does make things better.

Hi TOS,

So -- this sounds like a bigger issue than just Aspergers. If nothing seems to make you happy, well, yeah, then a partner isn't either.


What you describe is a classic symptom of long-term, clinical depression. You've been sad so long that it reaches a state where you really don't feel much of anything anymore.

This is pretty serious -- are you seeing any professional to treat this currently? And have you considered antidepressants?

True happiness is complete self fulfillment. When you're your own best friend, and you realise that ulimately, you're born alone and die alone.

I am not there yet, I still get upset with what other people do or don't do. But in the long run, thats what it is.

Great topic, I'm sure I'll be posting in this one for weeks.

I have noticed this trend in myself and risen above it with relative ease

f**k drugs, drugs are a stupid answer whether you've got a doctor or a dealer giving them to you. Depression is natural and if you find a way to beat it on your own you will be far stronger than the man who needs a pill to make himself what everyone sees him as.

Do follow your passions, or find things you can be more passionate about. I didn't have much luck with computers either so I moved onto cars when I was 17 and haven't looked back. Don't do s**t loads of "volunteer work" it's nice to volunteer but "if you're good at something never do it for free"

Over-inflate your goddamn ego, look at me I am the king of overinflated egos and that's why I'm happy. I am happy because I'm smarter than like 99.3% of the population, in better shape than 99% of people my own age, I probably know more about cars than 99.9% of people and I am in all other ways superior to people

I have money now, not enough but I work my butt off and people see it and I make out okay, make progress on my car with that money in order to promote myself and my talent to the world.

girls aren't the only thing to give one confidence, often simply overcoming a fear can be quite empowering

people can sense insecurity, girls especially, and they don't like it
no one likes it, but what people here rarely realize is a relationship isn't just about them-there's another person in there, you have to think about
and if you're depressed all the time, no one will want to really be around you, sad people bring others down

but can this be said about many girls here, like Erisad and emlion ? They seem that all their only source of happiness is their boyfriends. Erisad was completely a different person here before having a bf, and emlion sounds that she would crumble without a bf. Those two were not the only examples (just the most recent ones).

or maybe this can't be the case for guys?

The primary symptom here that worries me the most is that nothing is making him happy, even his hobbies. This is a big problem. Even in my worst days, I could count on something making me happy. There's more than meets the eye here.

sometimes it works but 9/10 the people the depressed person ends up with uses and manipulates them

Do you mean you find fulfillment through loving and appreciating others? That's a noble calling. You should join a benevolent World Help organization and deliver food and medical supplies to the sick and starving all over the globe and you'll find your happiness in that. Or become a psychologist and help the suffering work through their problems, or a doctor, or a minister.

If, OTOH, you mean you're only happy when someone else is loving and appreciating YOU, then you're shallow and needy and you'll never be happy until you change yourself, because even if you find a girlfriend, you'll suck her dry like an emotional vampire, until she is forced to dump you to escape. If you need another person's adoration to give you a sense of worth and value, you're living in an unhealthy mental state. Either you will outgrow it in time, or you're going to need years of therapy.

It does appear that way doesn't it?

The thing is that my bf accepts my issues. He has depressive bipolar disorder and he has decent control over it. So when I get sad, he understands that. We're both trying to improve on ourselves to become a better person, supporting each other and stuff. Because of this I have enrolled in counseling sessions at my university, knowing that I can't always rely on him to pick me up when I'm feeling down. Since my tuition is paying for it, I have nothing to lose apart from 50 minutes each week.

Since both of these things have occurred (bf and counseling), I have felt much better. I have people to talk to in safe environments. I get emotional support from my bf and logical support from the counselor. If one isn't available, I can talk to the other. If not, I'll wait until one of them becomes free to talk.

That being said, seek help Toad. If the doc's first/only solution is to shove pills down your throat, ditch him and find another professional. Pills just make everything worse, as I am a clear example of that.

he's the second one

I don't know, having the confidence helps to get the relationship maybe? My current boyfriend isn't my first, and at time I may loathe myself totally, but other times I know i'm an okay, and good person. ToS always seems sad/lonely and never seems happy with himself - I still think that's the first step - then other people will be more happy with him?
I think that doesn't even make sense, i'm in a bit of a tizzy tonight. Please ignore this if it makes no sense.

I would tell you the secret of happiness, but no one believes me.

I've been feeling a little down as I've said in the last 96 hours on this forum about not having a girlfriend and the requisite experiences along with it besides the obvious. Even though I'm nowhere as depressed as TOS, I just feel a big void in my life - even though I'm 25, I just feel the pressure to compete or validate myself.

I dunno guys, I'm trying to seek help about this. I know I have my journey on improving my socialization which I feel has a big impact on getting into a relationship. I'm staying my course but I feel the need to try to force things to work. I'm somewhat happy with myself and I still find pleasure in my hobbies. So I'm not all that worse off.