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OddballBen
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27 Nov 2010, 11:31 pm

So there's this girl that I like at school, we talk all the time, and she answers all my questions instead of just telling me to go away or something. I really put some effort into getting to know her, and then I asked her out to the movies. At first she said yes, but then she canceled at the last minute, saying she had to visit a friend in the hospital. I aksed her out a few more times, but there's always some sort of schedule conflict with her: work, studying, reports, friends. She never outright says no, but I'm wondering if I should take a hint.

I don't even know if she knows that I'm asking her out on a date, and not just as friends (I don't know if she considers me a friend, I haven't known her for more than a few months)

I've tried outright asking her whether or not she'd be interested if there weren't any schedule conflicts, but her answers leave room for interpretation and I don't usually think at the time to ask her to clarify.

This is my first attempt at asking a girl out, and I really don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated.



TheMinnesotaIceman
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27 Nov 2010, 11:40 pm

Forget about her. If she truly wanted to go out with you, she would find time for a date - period. Yes, sometimes things do come up, but if she's continually making excuses, she's probably not interested. I would just move on.



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28 Nov 2010, 12:18 am

I know it probably isn't what you want to hear but she is likely trying to be nice to you. On the up side if you keep being nice and talking to her you can still learn alot about women and use that to try on another girl. If you can talk to one you can talk to a dozen the hard part is talking to one first :/ Anyway atleast shes nice so you don't have to worry about that part.


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28 Nov 2010, 1:01 am

OddballBen wrote:
So there's this girl that I like at school, we talk all the time, and she answers all my questions instead of just telling me to go away or something. I really put some effort into getting to know her, and then I asked her out to the movies. At first she said yes, but then she canceled at the last minute, saying she had to visit a friend in the hospital. I aksed her out a few more times, but there's always some sort of schedule conflict with her: work, studying, reports, friends. She never outright says no, but I'm wondering if I should take a hint.

I don't even know if she knows that I'm asking her out on a date, and not just as friends (I don't know if she considers me a friend, I haven't known her for more than a few months)

I've tried outright asking her whether or not she'd be interested if there weren't any schedule conflicts, but her answers leave room for interpretation and I don't usually think at the time to ask her to clarify.

This is my first attempt at asking a girl out, and I really don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated.


I think she is not interested and you should turn your interests to another girl, but I commend you for having the bravery to ask her out.



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28 Nov 2010, 6:02 am

Chronos wrote:
OddballBen wrote:
So there's this girl that I like at school, we talk all the time, and she answers all my questions instead of just telling me to go away or something. I really put some effort into getting to know her, and then I asked her out to the movies. At first she said yes, but then she canceled at the last minute, saying she had to visit a friend in the hospital. I aksed her out a few more times, but there's always some sort of schedule conflict with her: work, studying, reports, friends. She never outright says no, but I'm wondering if I should take a hint.

I don't even know if she knows that I'm asking her out on a date, and not just as friends (I don't know if she considers me a friend, I haven't known her for more than a few months)

I've tried outright asking her whether or not she'd be interested if there weren't any schedule conflicts, but her answers leave room for interpretation and I don't usually think at the time to ask her to clarify.

This is my first attempt at asking a girl out, and I really don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated.


I think she is not interested and you should turn your interests to another girl, but I commend you for having the bravery to ask her out.


If so, why she didn't say, "Sorry, I don't feel that way about you"? He'd know where he stood, and it doesn't insult him. He's going to work it out sooner or later anyway. Why drag out the pain by being ambiguous?



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28 Nov 2010, 8:40 am

She's not interested. BUT that doesn't mean you're not interesting. Personally, I'd prefer someone to come right out and say "I'm not interested" but they never do. You're expected to get the hint. Some girls won't go out with a guy as "just friends". Those types date you ONLY if they're romantically interested. If you get too used to people pushing you away, you'll develope a habit of thinking that someone is romantically interested if they merely give you everyday person to person respect. That girl treated you with the respect that every human being should treat you but she got shook up when you perceived it as romantic interest. She's a good kid but she doesn't want to date you. This girl probably feels it's horrible to come right out and say "I'm not interested". She doesn't like to hurt people's feelings. If this kind of person was romantically interested in you, they would make the time for you even if it was just an hour and they'd be VERY curious to know what you'll be up to when you're not with them.



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28 Nov 2010, 11:27 am

i agree that she does not cound interested unfortunately, but you can definitely use your newfound skills of approaching girls to good use on another female in the future. you went about the situation well, but most people get lots of rejections before they have any successes.

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
If so, why she didn't say, "Sorry, I don't feel that way about you"? He'd know where he stood, and it doesn't insult him. He's going to work it out sooner or later anyway. Why drag out the pain by being ambiguous?

there are two people involved in the situation, and there could be many reasons why she chose to go this route. some random examples:

1. a blunter rejection could kill their growing friendship
2. she lacks the social skilld to be forthright
3. she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by seeming rude
4. she doesn't actually know her own motivations for finding excuses
5. she does not know that he would rather have a blunt rejection

it is not likely that we are ever going to completely change how NTs (or even other aspies) approach us.


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28 Nov 2010, 5:55 pm

OddballBen wrote:
So there's this girl that I like at school, we talk all the time, and she answers all my questions instead of just telling me to go away or something. I really put some effort into getting to know her, and then I asked her out to the movies. At first she said yes, but then she canceled at the last minute, saying she had to visit a friend in the hospital. I aksed her out a few more times, but there's always some sort of schedule conflict with her: work, studying, reports, friends. She never outright says no, but I'm wondering if I should take a hint.

I don't even know if she knows that I'm asking her out on a date, and not just as friends (I don't know if she considers me a friend, I haven't known her for more than a few months)

I've tried outright asking her whether or not she'd be interested if there weren't any schedule conflicts, but her answers leave room for interpretation and I don't usually think at the time to ask her to clarify.

This is my first attempt at asking a girl out, and I really don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated.


She is definitely not interested and she is outright lying to you since she either found someone she liked better or wanted to hang out with her friends instead. Same thing happened to me once when I was still a virgin.



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28 Nov 2010, 6:56 pm

I've been through this many times. Sadly, she's almost certainly not interested, and doesn't have the guts or integrity to give you a straight answer, which is like most people you're likely to encounter. They won't give you a straight answer. They never gave me one until I finally put the question to them and got a straight answer. It enables them to have it both ways...they successfully avoid the attention of a person they feel is beneath them, while convincing themselves they're still a good person with integrity for feeding you excuse after excuse. They don't realize how painful and humiliating it can be.

You should also prepare yourself if she cuts off contact. I've been friendzoned many times, and even that is a lie, because when I'd try to maintain contact they'd never return calls or emails. Things are rendered awkward by the romantic entreaty and they will avoid you. It pretty much sucks. It's why I NEVER ask out friends anymore. I have so few of them anyways, I rather keep that than risk it all for silly, stupid love.

Good job for trying though. I'd say give a shot at some strangers...much less to lose by rejection.



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28 Nov 2010, 9:36 pm

personally, i would rather someone would let me down easy instaed of being blunt. to me, it would show more integrity to have someone be kind to me and attempt to spare my feelings. it is not universal to want to hear the stark truth like that when it comes to rejection.


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28 Nov 2010, 9:46 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
personally, i would rather someone would let me down easy instaed of being blunt. to me, it would show more integrity to have someone be kind to me and attempt to spare my feelings. it is not universal to want to hear the stark truth like that when it comes to rejection.

Agreed. I give her credit for trying to avoid hurting your feelings -- despite the fact that she's causing you some confusion.


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28 Nov 2010, 10:12 pm

I got to love all the guys who moan about not getting a straight answer. Like Hyperlexian said, THEY don't know that you want a straight answer, and even if you tell them, THEY don't know how you'll react to it.

After i've told aspie men that im not interested they have gotten very violent and rude in the past. By letting people go the way they do, women are potentially avoiding a dangerous situation.



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28 Nov 2010, 10:35 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I got to love all the guys who moan about not getting a straight answer. Like Hyperlexian said, THEY don't know that you want a straight answer, and even if you tell them, THEY don't know how you'll react to it.

After i've told aspie men that im not interested they have gotten very violent and rude in the past. By letting people go the way they do, women are potentially avoiding a dangerous situation.

She may well have a self-preservation instinct. And she may have it without necessarily fearing violence or rudeness. She may just fear and not want a scene, an argument, any sort of push-back. More than anything, though, she sounds like a very nice person who doesn't know how to say "no."

I, for one, will never moan about the lack of a straight answer! Give it to me any which way but straight, please. Directness absolutely stuns me. I don't know how to give it, and I don't know how to receive it.


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29 Nov 2010, 12:25 am

RainingRoses wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
I got to love all the guys who moan about not getting a straight answer. Like Hyperlexian said, THEY don't know that you want a straight answer, and even if you tell them, THEY don't know how you'll react to it.

After i've told aspie men that im not interested they have gotten very violent and rude in the past. By letting people go the way they do, women are potentially avoiding a dangerous situation.

She may well have a self-preservation instinct. And she may have it without necessarily fearing violence or rudeness. She may just fear and not want a scene, an argument, any sort of push-back. More than anything, though, she sounds like a very nice person who doesn't know how to say "no."

I, for one, will never moan about the lack of a straight answer! Give it to me any which way but straight, please. Directness absolutely stuns me. I don't know how to give it, and I don't know how to receive it.


Exactly! A big part of female partner selection is whether or not she wants to be seen with a guy. Gals aren't just looking for the love of their life, they are looking for someone they can show off to their girlfriends.



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29 Nov 2010, 12:56 am

RICKY5 wrote:
RainingRoses wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
I got to love all the guys who moan about not getting a straight answer. Like Hyperlexian said, THEY don't know that you want a straight answer, and even if you tell them, THEY don't know how you'll react to it.

After i've told aspie men that im not interested they have gotten very violent and rude in the past. By letting people go the way they do, women are potentially avoiding a dangerous situation.

She may well have a self-preservation instinct. And she may have it without necessarily fearing violence or rudeness. She may just fear and not want a scene, an argument, any sort of push-back. More than anything, though, she sounds like a very nice person who doesn't know how to say "no."

I, for one, will never moan about the lack of a straight answer! Give it to me any which way but straight, please. Directness absolutely stuns me. I don't know how to give it, and I don't know how to receive it.


Exactly! A big part of female partner selection is whether or not she wants to be seen with a guy. Gals aren't just looking for the love of their life, they are looking for someone they can show off to their girlfriends.


The girls you've been trying to attract must be 15 or something. Any woman who stays with someone for that reason isn't worth knowing.



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29 Nov 2010, 1:06 am

hale_bopp wrote:
After i've told aspie men that im not interested they have gotten very violent and rude in the past. By letting people go the way they do, women are potentially avoiding a dangerous situation.


If they didn't like the fact you'd turned them down then it wouldn't have mattered how you phrased it, they'd have been rude or violent anyway. Also, you can be clear and/or direct without being unkind.