Being in a relationship with someone with AS

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I really don't know if it's ok to post here, so sorry if not. It's also my first post.

I'm with someone who has Aspergers, and as much research as I do on it there are aspects that I don't know how to deal with and don't have anyone to bounce around ideas (besides my partner who sometimes prefers the silent approach to problems ).
There's a myriad of issues that arise, and I feel like I deal with them as best I can, or as best as I've learnt how.

A big problem came up last night. It's a behavioural thing, where he can be down and want comfort. It's simple to solve, except for me. Basically, majority of my life has been to shut off, back off, not attach I guess. My past is complicated and he understands that, hes knows the reasons why and is still there for me. I unfortunately feel like I fail him though as I can't bring him out of his depressive moods.

I thought he had been dealing fairly well with this, but the discussion was summed up with him stating that if he can't change his dependency on others to make him happy, then the relationship probably won't last. He won't see someone who can help, I'm worried that, even though he seems determined, that it won't be possible to accept the change. That if he does change, he won't be happy. And that I apparently can't help.

I guess there's more I want to say, but I could be here all night typing. I'll leave it at that.

Hello, yes of course you can post here! If you have AS and there's things you can't get to grips with, then this board is great for bouncing ideas.

I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you are asking for here though, could you restate your question? Maybe I'm just being thick though, in which case someone less thick will be along soon to address your post.

I think she means that she has a partner or boyfriend with AS. Maybe we can give her better advice if she tells us what happened last night that caused the problem she's talking about.

I guess the bolded phrase refers to a therapist, or any professional with the word "psych" in their job title. And there's a very good reason why. A lot of therapists use an NT-centric approach that revolves around the question "how did that make you feel?". Failing to answer it "correctly" (trust me, there are right and wrong answers) will result in unpleasant consequences. Sometimes, they will even repeat the question and tell the patient to "be more honest". At best, the patient will be flagged as difficult and nothing more; at worst, the patient will have a meltdown out of sheer frustration and be flagged as aggressive. I learned that the hard way when I did therapy at age 12, although I was "lucky" enough not to get anything beyond an "immature emotional development" diagnosis.

Your boyfriend probably learned it the hard way too, at some point in his life. I wouldn't know what else to recommend, beyond specifically seeking out Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on thoughts and actions, rather than feelings. Then again, I don't have much trust for psych workers in general, and would only see one to get a prescription for pills. Somehow, I have more trust in big pharma companies than someone who thinks he/she owns my mind.

I think that is it Aspie1, he has no trust in 'professionals'. Apparently he spent many years being studied because nobody knew what was "wrong" with him.

I'm sorry if the post didn't make sense. It doesn't really make sense to me in life, so explaining it is hard. I think (and trying to say basically), my partner and myself come from very different worlds. And sometimes what he wants to be happy is considered so minute, and so simple (like a hug), yet for me thats out of my comfort zone. It really shouldn't be, but its either how I am or what life I've had. I do try... I can say I love you everyday, I mean it everyday and to some extent he's happy, but not - if that makes sense?
He's dependent on others to make him happy, whereas I'm independent on all aspects of my life - physical, emotional and spiritual. If something is on my mind I want to talk and get it out, whereas he wants to close up and wait it out. To get him out of this quiet area, all he needs is someone (me) to do something to make him happy. Which goes back to the simple things, that are for some reason out of my comfort zone.

So take this scenario:
I've had a discussion with my partner that would be to open problems we have and try to sort them out. If I say I didn't like action "XYZ" or can we fix this aspect "XYZ", there is a chance he will shut off and stop talking. He'll tell me he's fine when evidently not though! I often end up frustrated, I give up and stop talking. In those times I often feel ignored, resented or even hated sometimes. Basically I begin to feel like s**t lol ...and we don't get anywhere.

He wants to change that part about himself, the part that shuts off and then relies on me doing anything to make him feel better. He's had a whole life of people pandering to him. He can apparently turn arguments around on their head so he makes other people the bad guy, so others apologise to him.

It's a struggle for him being with someone like me, I see right through that. He can't turn anything onto me. In all fairness, if I f**k up, I'm over him like a bad rash apologising lol

He only knows one solution to this problem. If it worked for me, I wouldn't be here. I do wonder if theres a way I can talk to him differently, maybe that might work. I wish he had other outlets for happiness (like a hobby), but alas he is one of the types (apparently?) who has been able to turn a hobby into work ... which is now hell

For the record I am trying to change my own comfort zones, but it's a slow process for me as well - and made harder now because I thought I was doing well. Maybe I'm not looking for answers, maybe I'm just finding a release because I don't have one in him. If it doesn't make sense, just ignore me - I know I probably would

Wow. Okay....first, I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I also believe - in many ways - you're in way over your head. The person you're describing is a very skilled manipulator. He's also a dysfunctional liar who may well be co-dependent. And he's autistic. Hon, I don't see that the odds are in your favor here.

First of all, no one who is psychologically healthy is dependent on others to "make" him happy. (However, it's unclear if he's completely dependent on others for happiness, or if he is just looking for support. So it's hard to know if he's truly co-dependent or not.)

But the lying and manipulation is not in question. He punishes you for trying to talk about relationship problems with him; he's able to "turn arguments around on their head" in order to consistently cast himself as the well-intended victim in any situation (getting people he's wronged to apologize to him, indeed), and he's been able to lay your relationship issues and his own emotional "happiness" at your feet - because you just can't do the teeny tiny bit he "needs" you to do to "make him happy." My God.

Whatever the reason (childhood abuse, not being diagnosed Aspie until later in life, etc., etc.) - he's developed a set of really dysfunctional coping skills. And while those coping skills served their purpose at one point in his life - to help him survive - now they've become the tools he uses to cripple himself. It seems to me that he's cast himself in the role of "victim" - that's his self-identity. And he may really have been a victim at points in his life - "victimized" by the doctors who couldn't diagnose him accurately, by the bullies who teased him, by the girls who rejected him....take your pick. But now, his need to to "turn arguments around on their head" so he's always right, his need punish you for daring to talk about stuff he can't figure out how to "spin" into being your fault, his blaming you for his lack of emotional happiness....that's the work of someone who won't take responsibility for his own actions. If he did take responsibility for his own actions, he'd have to admit that he's not always the victim; he's not always right. He'd have to admit that he's like the rest of us - human beings who lose our tempers, or don't always have the right response, or say stupid things. We make mistakes - but hopefully, we learn from those mistakes, we make our apologies, and we move on. Oh, and we grow as part of that process - that's maturation in a nutshell. That he refuses to own his own mistakes is essentially short-circuiting the maturation process. He's not growing up emotionally or psychologically, which is a significant problem for him and anyone in his path.

Correcting that kind of self-handicapping behavior is difficult for anyone. (And yes, it will typically require the help of a very qualified professional, and a very motivated individual.) Asperger's adds a layer of complexity to that work, because many Aspies have a kind of stubborn quality - they don't let go of ideas and philosophies very easily. (See your comment that your bf "only knows one solution to this problem.") The result can be a lack of "flexibility" - even when conclusions are challenged with empirical evidence, it can be very difficult to sway an Aspie. That's not to say that influencing an Aspie is impossible - it's very possible. But a willingness to be influenced is key.

So until he's willing to admit that he needs to live his life with integrity, I don't think there's a lot of hope for him having a healthy relationship with you, and anyone else who comes along. Integrity means that he has to stop lying and manipulating - not just where you're concerned, but where everyone in his life is concerned. But unfortunately, when someone has used lying and manipulation as their primary coping skills for their adult life - it's very difficult to get them to admit that there might be another way to live. Consequences don't do the trick: failed relationships; loneliness; isolation; heartbreak; lack of physical and emotional intimacy.....it would be enough to make a lot of people reevaluate their approach. I just haven't seen that pattern in the Aspies I've known.

You can find many posts in this forum from men who fronted being NT in order to hook a woman. When they had her (married her, got her to move in, knocked her up, etc.), they stopped fronting. And they honestly don't understand how fronting was nothing more than a lie, designed purposefully to land a relationship under utterly false pretenses. It's bait and switch, and yet they complain that these women don't "understand" who they really are. They don't understand why these ladies are so angry and lacking in acceptance of the "real" them. It's appalling, really - especially considering they go on to lie their heads off in their next relationships - which fail. Rinse and repeat.

And the plain truth is that honesty begets trust; trust begets intimacy; and intimacy begets love. If he continues to be dishonest in his approach to life, I don't know how you'll ever be able to trust him, or have a truly intimate relationship with him - or share real love with him.

I hope you can find a counselor with expertise in Asperger's, who can counsel you as a couple (there are potentially things you can do differently as a partner). I also hope the couple's counselor can recommend an individual therapist for him to work with. But he has to want to change, hon. And he has to be willing to do the work. Trust me, all the love in the world isn't enough to help him. If love were enough, there wouldn't be any alcoholics or crackheads or addicts or any other afflictions born of dysfunctional coping skills. I hope you're willing to evaluate your situation dispassionately, and do what's best for you.

Thanks HopeGrows, leaving me a lot to think about. I don't know where to go from here, all I can do is try until something great comes of it, or it's demise...

I know you're in a very difficult spot, OP....I've been there, too.

It probably doesn't help all that much, but I really do wish you the best.