This heartbreak has been going on for months. Healing tips?

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Sorry about the length of this post below, I'm just providing as much context into the issue as possible.

Lately I've been depressed since I have been thinking about my ex-boyfriend quite a lot. We've been broken up for months, but my heart still aches for him. He is younger than me and as such still needs to figure himself out, which is why we broke up. He still cares about me a great deal though, and he still considers me a good friend...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm in pain.

I miss all of the little things about being in a relationship with him...cuddling, cooking us dinner, being his date for parties, giving him massages, watching funny videos together and talking all night long about everything. It's not really him I miss per se, but it's the intimacy and reliablity of being in a relationship that I miss, but I tie things to him because he is someone that I view in a romantic light and adore very much.

When I am at a party, I want to know who I will be dancing with, who I will be going home with and what I will be doing every weekend. Now I can't let myself go to parties where he is there because I am that scared of seeing him with some other chick...even THINKING about him with another chick makes me cry. The thing I hate most about this is how possessive of him I am: either he's with me or he's with no one. It's a selfish thought, and that's why I've been avoiding him: so he can be free and not deal with my bulls***. When I was with him, I met a ton of people at these parties and now that I don't see them all and I can't let myself go to them anymore, I'm becoming extremely depressed. These were also things that i went to every weekend, by the way.

We both went to a mutual friend's party last weekend: this was a huge regret of mine. Out of my excitement to see him I became nervous and drank quite a lot. In the middle of the night we were talking and I vaguely remember kissing him...that was not something I wanted to do as I knew it would make me feel uncomfortable, but I missed him so much and let my emotions run away with me. We didn't talk the rest of the night. Luckily, he brought it up later on...I apologized and he forgave me, but I also realized that seeing him just makes everything worse in that these thoughts and feelings of how much I miss him get instantly triggered...still I've been obsessing over it.

For the past few days I haven't been eating or sleeping and I will be missing two exams because I can't study without breaking down into tears. I had a boy that I'm casually seeing over last night and he only helped for a few hours...I cried after he left as he is only 18 and has a curfew...and what I need is a boy who can stay over and talk all night with.

Ex and I talked for hours on the phone tonight. He is going into school for social work so he insists on helping me work through my crap. And he's good at it too: he has gone through very similar life experiences and is able to relate to me so much...he cheered me up somewhat because of that. I thank him for doing this, but I don't feel happy. I feel like I will only be happy once I have someone who can do this and be loyal and committed to me without the chance of him being with anyone else.

What I need to do now is stop mourning over what I can't have to the point where it's making me cry. People say about things like this "distract yourself, get your mind off it"...that doesn't work for someone like me. One of my biggest struggles in having AS is obsessive thinking. These thoughts are like a tape player playing the same track over and over again with the volume permanently set to max. You can't stop the tape player or take off your headphones.

If I were to get over this, I'd be studying for my exam right now. I can't even do that.

The question is...how do I deal with this heartbreak? I love this guy more than anyone else...I don't want to hurt him and I just want to see him as a friend...but I can't stop thinking about us being in a relationship and how much I miss it.

How do I change my feelings for him?

I sympathise completely, Im in a very similar situation, except its the person of the ex I miss rather than being in a relationship. I obsessively think of him all the time and feel quite despairing at the thought of not seeing him or being with him any more. I struggle not to contact him and have to use a lot of control all the time to not contact.

I have been trying hard to distract myself as best I can by doing my special interests, exercising, meditating, that sort of thing. But its still hurts a lot. Especially at night when I go to bed and look at his side of the bed and think how he wont ever be in it again. I loved holding him at night and touching his smooth strong back.

Ive read paul mckennas 'I can heal your broken heart' and that was useful to some extent and had exercises to do to get over someone, such as ruminateing on their faults and changeing your house decoration so it doesnt remind you so much. However the help is limited and only takes the edge off it.

People say time helps but it took me 8 years after I split up from my daughters father before I could date again so I think the time to heal must be very variable beween individuals. I cant imagine I will get over my recent ex any time soon as he meant so much to me and was my best friend, there will never be another person I like as much as him.

Sorry Im not much help but at least you know your not alone in your sad feelings.

Anneurysm,

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much-- you too, Lotusblossom. I've had a couple of awful broken hearts. I think the advice to focus on projects, work, school, special interests is great.

I think you may also need to work on spending time with friends. Non-romantic friends. People who are not now and never will be exes. Friends like that can make all the difference when you're in a time like this. And the skills you get from having them will help tremendously when you are ready for your next relationship. Look around-- somebody around you wants to spend time with you. Find them!

I know it's terrible and i'm so sorry
I think not seeing him is a good thing to do. Stuff slowly takes over your life again, but it takes time. And the absolute hardest part is living through that time.

You have my sympathy, if you ever need to talk just post here. I know you won't be able to stop thinking about him but it is better to think about him while watching a movie with cheerful and supportive friends than on your own lonely in your room.

Time, It can take up to half a year if you keep going back in your mind but you'll move forward in the end.

OP, you gotta stop talking to your ex. Believe me, I know that's the last thing you want to hear, but if you want to start getting over him, you're going to have to get him out of your life. I don't know if I've interpreted your comments correctly or not, but it kind of sounds like your social circle is either his friends, or shared friends. You're cutting yourself off socially, and giving yourself a lot more solitary time to brood over him. So....if your friends were his friends, you've got to work on finding new friends, and/or new activities. If your friends are shared friends, go to parties that he won't attend - just don't sit in your room every weekend thinking about him. And yes, you can break out of the obsessive thoughts about him. When you think about him, immediately change your focus. Stand up, go out for a walk, do sit-ups, skip rope, sing a song, play a video game - anything to stop thinking about him. It will start to work eventually.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to miss a relationship when its gone - we all know. There will be others - you just have to stop isolating yourself so you can find them. Good luck, hon.

Thank you everyone. I am still in the process of healing and things are tough. But I made some adjustments.

I did a bit of what Hopegrows said. I deleted my facebook. Permanently. I am obsessed with my social status and how many friends I have. My ex and I share a lot of the same friends and I don't want to be reminded of them every day. And I am obsessed with looking through my ex's pictures and pictures of us while we were dating and it is making me me angry and sad.

*hugs*

I hope you feel better soon. If you need someone to talk to, PM me.

Question answered. I was wondering where you have gone, and then I've checked your WP posts. What you did was right, though. It makes total sense to block out any reminders of him that you might possibly have.

I wish the best to you. School is more important than anything for you right now; everything else is secondary.

Exactly! And to tell you the truth, getting through school is the number one thing that I want more than anything else in the world, but it's tough when I have to put up with all of this stuff. Also, thank you so much...your encouragemnt does mean a lot to me.

The best thing to do is use a common aspie ability to compartmentalize your thoughts (that is, if you do have this capability). That's how I could continue to function after my ex broke up with me. I still feel strong feelings for her, but I keep them boxed away so that they don't affect my judgment or behavior...

Lol, this is life.

My experience was that I dated a girl back when I was twenty for a month, she left me after I'd been sick for maybe half a week (not enough attention), and then she was dating a friend who lived with me. Not only did every song that reminded me of those time feel like an asthma attack, everything they did had a similar effect.

The only thing I can offer is that you'll get better at dealing with this as time goes on, as your defense mechanisms against having it take you over will improve. The the thing that sucks about that - you'll also have more defense mechanisms to falling in love in the first place, so you'll have to work harder on the front end if you're able to even out the pitch of the back end.

All the same good luck and just remember, regardless of what he meant to you this school, its your future, your exams outweigh this 10 to 1. Remind yourself that it's that big a deal and knuckle down.

I know that school's important, but I can't even think about studying when I'm like this. For the moment, I am focusing on getting better. even though my parents want me to get through school too, they are also in this mindset.

My ex always tells me that he still cares about me and loves me deeply, and still wants me in his life (we broke up because I am more mature and self-aware than he is, and he isn't ready for a relationship). Still, after we broke up (months ago) and even today, there has been huge highs and lows. But we're trying to make it work.

The main issue is due to the fact that I invested a lot of emotion into this relationship, and thus not seeing him as my boyfriend is really painful for me. When we first met each other, it was an official "first date" (we were online friends for a while). I have trouble with huge changes in my life and adjusting to them, and I simply can't see him as anything other than my partner...because that's the only way I've ever known him. I can't look at pictures of him with girls, even though he isn't seeing anyone and they are all platonic friends.

Yesterday I was thinking about him all day and then went on my facebook and without thinking at all, I told him that a girl he had his arm around in a picture was "ten million times prettier than I am". He got angry at me, but the sad part was that I WANTED him to feel angry just so he could feel how I felt. I already told him I had issues with looking at pictures of him with girls, but I didn't know it was this bad to the point where I had to say something about it. He then decided to take me off facebook and said "I love you, and I'm sorry"...at which point I had a MAJOR panic attack and had to call the crisis line. I don't have those very often.

He insisted on keeping me on his MSN though...last night I ended up getting high and accidentally leaving it on...he left a message saying "hey. i'm sorry you're upset. I have my reasons though."

I hate how he doesn't know himself and his feelings. The "I care about you and will always love you" stuff is complete bulls***. If he REALLY loved me we'd still be going out.

I shudder at partners who have been cheated on. I bet the pain of that feels a million times worse.

I thought you had deleted facebook permanently?

I went through what you did a several years back. Since it was my second breakup with the same girl (second time was harder) I knew I had to protect myself. I'm very obsessive.

To get over her, I told my ex that I could not have any contact with her for 6 months. I deleted facebook, myspace, and her phone number off of my cellphone. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it away in safe place just in case I ever needed to contact her.

She was seriously pissed at me because she still wanted to be friends and come over to my house to play on my Playstation 3. That would have been torture if I said yes. We broke up because she wanted to date another guy, and she didn't really understand why I wanted a no contact rule. The situation was easy for her, because she already had someone else lined up as a boyfriend. Pretty wicked.

She sounds like a social climber and a user.

Indeed. You also have some very good breakup strategies, and she totally ignored them...and disrespected you in the process by not respecting them. Just because you mean well and still want to be friends doesn't mean it's easy for the other person involved, and there needs to be respect for that. I feel for you, and I'm sorry that you had to put up with such disrespect. *hug*

Also...I was noting the events that led me to delete my facebook. I'm also feeling a LOT better and am now surrounding myself with my longtime girlfriends. They mean a lot to me.