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AS guy with a NT girl for 2,5y, what to do now?

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NeonEyes
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30 Nov 2010, 5:47 pm

I'm in a relationship with a NT girl, she's four years younger than me and we've been together for about 2,5 years.

I've had problems with her being *not well organised* for a long time, and I try to tell her now and then to deal with it. She forgets her keys, cell phone, has a really messy room (she lives with her mum still) and makes a mess every time we cook. Me being super organized, I get frustrated inside just watching it. There has been no change at all.

She is getting more and more affected by my social problems and really wants me to change. When we hang out with her friends, I'm mostly silent, not being really able to talk in groups. If we're only like 3 or 4 then I can manage somewhat okay. I want to change, but trying only increases my anxiety and leads to depression. I haven't really made any success.

Our sexual life has been rather poor lately. It's not working anymore and this is very frustrating for us both. She has problems relaxing, and while I want to share a beautiful intimate time, she rather wants it quick and rough because after 4-5 minutes she gets really passive every single time. Now I'm not sure what I feel considering the problems we have.

Nowadays we mostly watch tv, cook or go for walks. I get no stimulation and she's not showing as much affection as she used to do. I think she might not cope up with me being what I am. And I'm feeling that this relationship is going further and further down. She barely wants to go out because she freezes a whole lot and is very sensitive to cold and wind and rain and pretty much all bad weather.

I live in an apartment with another guy of my age, who is soon moving out and we have a chance of renting it together. But I'm really not sure if it's the best thing to do. And it's so hard for me to say it straight out. Part of me wants to find someone that understands me better, and that has common interests. This all makes me feel horrible. We've been discussing the possibility of being just friends but it seems like she still wants to move in with me. (Could be partly because her mum is very annoying and rants on her every day, they yell a lot)

I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if I could get some outside viewpoint of this. I'm just getting so depressed and is hiding my real aspie self and has been for so long and it just wants to get out from my body.

- NE



Northeastern292
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30 Nov 2010, 7:16 pm

NeonEyes wrote:
I'm in a relationship with a NT girl, she's four years younger than me and we've been together for about 2,5 years.

I've had problems with her being *not well organised* for a long time, and I try to tell her now and then to deal with it. She forgets her keys, cell phone, has a really messy room (she lives with her mum still) and makes a mess every time we cook. Me being super organized, I get frustrated inside just watching it. There has been no change at all.

She is getting more and more affected by my social problems and really wants me to change. When we hang out with her friends, I'm mostly silent, not being really able to talk in groups. If we're only like 3 or 4 then I can manage somewhat okay. I want to change, but trying only increases my anxiety and leads to depression. I haven't really made any success.

Our sexual life has been rather poor lately. It's not working anymore and this is very frustrating for us both. She has problems relaxing, and while I want to share a beautiful intimate time, she rather wants it quick and rough because after 4-5 minutes she gets really passive every single time. Now I'm not sure what I feel considering the problems we have.

Nowadays we mostly watch tv, cook or go for walks. I get no stimulation and she's not showing as much affection as she used to do. I think she might not cope up with me being what I am. And I'm feeling that this relationship is going further and further down. She barely wants to go out because she freezes a whole lot and is very sensitive to cold and wind and rain and pretty much all bad weather.

I live in an apartment with another guy of my age, who is soon moving out and we have a chance of renting it together. But I'm really not sure if it's the best thing to do. And it's so hard for me to say it straight out. Part of me wants to find someone that understands me better, and that has common interests. This all makes me feel horrible. We've been discussing the possibility of being just friends but it seems like she still wants to move in with me. (Could be partly because her mum is very annoying and rants on her every day, they yell a lot)

I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if I could get some outside viewpoint of this. I'm just getting so depressed and is hiding my real aspie self and has been for so long and it just wants to get out from my body.

- NE


I'm not at all good with this stuff, but my advice would be to talk about it. You might also want to speak to a therapist, or some kind of couple's counseling.



psychohist
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30 Nov 2010, 7:28 pm

Relationships are not about changing the other person. Relationships are about learning to like the other person the way they are. It sounds like both of you need work on that.

I agree with talking with her about it. See if you can figure out what to do together - even if it is breaking up.



Countess
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30 Nov 2010, 9:23 pm

psychohist wrote:
Relationships are not about changing the other person.


This. Totally and completely. If you can't deal with each other's "warts", it would be better for both of you to amicably part ways.

She may seem interested in moving in because she's not sure how she feels about splitting and might be considering that things will improve if you co-habitate. They will not, because all the flaws you both are uncomfortable with will be magnified that much more. I would really think very carefully about it. You might do a trial run where she stays with you for a length of time without moving in and see how that goes. Bear in mind that you will both be on "best behavior".

The slob thing - oh how I feel for you. My husband is a wonderful man in so many ways, but his memory is god awful and he procrastinates about everything, from picking his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor to throwing out the empty paper sugar packet on the counter. I will not even mention how much I dread when he says he's going to cook. It does not get better with time.



menintights
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30 Nov 2010, 10:54 pm

psychohist wrote:
Relationships are about learning to like the other person the way they are.


Oh, so that's why I've never been interested in having a relationship. It's always my way or the highway with me.



NeonEyes
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01 Dec 2010, 6:23 am

Countess wrote:
psychohist wrote:
Relationships are not about changing the other person.


This. Totally and completely. If you can't deal with each other's "warts", it would be better for both of you to amicably part ways.


I can deal with it most of the time, some of her flaws are actually rather fun and attractive. But being who I am, I get frustrated seeing how it doesn't get better. I fear a future apartment looking like a bomb fell off the sky if I didn't clean things up. She leaves eaten apples for days on tables and on window ledges. This is just a minor thing though.

I don't think a couple's counseling would be a good idea. I wouldn't be able to talk in front of people like that about our relationship since it's already hard talking about me in front of a psychologist. My anxiety level would sky-rocket in that scenario and If I know myself well, I wouldn't be able to speak.

I've tried to talk to her about her accepting me as for who I am, but it usually ends up with us talking about being friends or me feeling bad about myself (as with everything else we discuss). Maybe she can't accept me?

Sometimes I sense that she would be better without me. I feel like I'm dragging her with me into my aspie-world where I'm most comfortable.

I really appreciate being able to talk about this openly. This forum is more friendly than others I've come across, the outer sphere is so judging.