[edit] more I'M ruining our relationship, not him.

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Right...you're trying to push him away because *you* feel bad about what you've done in the past, and you feel undeserving of his devotion. At the end of the day, that's all because you love him, and you can't stand the thought of hurting him anymore. On the other hand, you know you don't want to lose him either, so you can't just let him go.

What to do, what to do?

Well, under those circumstances, it makes perfect sense that you might come to the conclusion that you should simply ask him to "stand up" more because if he were only a little "meaner" or "tougher," then maybe you wouldn't have to feel so bad about being a little rough with him. Right?

I mean, think about it...there's a lot of logic to that idea!

Unfortunately, however, being logical and being right aren't always the same thing. In this instance, it's not. What it is, in fact, is the *easy* thing to do.

The *hard* thing to do -- the *right* thing to do -- is to take full responsibility and ownership of your past mistakes and force yourself to live with them, because that's going to be so incredibly painful that you'll feel compelled to change and become a better person. Afterall, living with that kind of regret makes one very, very reticent to add anything *more* to that with which they're already trying to cope.

And that's good.

That's how *healthy* people operate, actually... Healthy people do bad things too, but when they become aware of something bad they've done, they accept it and own it and allow themselves to feel bad about having done wrong, and feeling bad is usually all the negative reinforcement that's required to keep them from repeating the same bad action.

What you seem to have done instead, however, is to have minimalized and rationalized away a lot of your bad actions instead of owning them and feeling acutely bad, so they've sorta piled up on you.. And now you feel like you're going to collapse under the weight -- but that's OK, because it doesn't mean you can't change! If you *own* your past -- and I mean truly own it -- you *will* feel compelled to change, and as you change, you *can become* someone who feels worthy of devotion and adoration.

I know that sounds like an impossibility right now, but it's not. I promise.

And the really cool part is that once you *know* you've changed and that you're never, ever going back to the way you were before, you'll have given yourself the ability to look back and feel as though you're looking at someone else...the person you *were*...and you'll have the opportunity to forgive *her* for all the things she did.

how do i go about owning it though?
that's exactly what i want to do.

You have to be very, very objective. You have to look at your past self as an outside observer might have seen you. When you think back on things that have happened, you have to try as hard as you can to remove your own emotional influence and begin to judge the things you've done for exactly what they were -- no more, no less.

That means you no longer allow yourself to look back on situations and say to yourself "Yeah, I did a bad thing that day -- but I wasn't feeling good, and work was bad that day, and...and and and and..." When you feel yourself creeping toward an excuse, stop -- do not comfort yourself.

If it makes you feel like sh*t, good -- let it. That's what it should have done to begin with, because maybe then you wouldn't have done it again.

It's not going to be easy, but it can be done. You can do it.

I tend to blame a lot of things I do, on my past.
I think I do this less now - those things happened but I don't have to let them influence me anymore.

I will try what you have suggested. Thank you.

It's great to have an understanding of why may be inclined to do the things we do, but the key is figuring out what to do with that knowledge; we can either use it to excuse ourselves for our behavior, or we can use it to help us stop repeating the behavior.

It sounds to me like you used to use your past as an excuse, but you're trying to get away from that...good for you! Now you can proceed a step further and use your knowledge of your past to figure out your "triggers," and once you identify your triggers, you'll begin to be able to see them coming in advance -- while you're still in control of yourself. At that point, you can actually begin to *avoid* doing things you wish you didn't do!

I love mini things too. always have. When I was a kid had a tiny pack of cards.

Me tooooooo! I had those cards as well. I got them from doing a school fundraiser and I thought they were the neatest things ever. I love mini things, which is probably why I've only dated short guys. They're taller than me (5'4") but usually not by much. Maybe an inch or two. I think it makes 'em adorable. XD

haha; well i don't like mini things in a guy.

^This. Freaking awesome advice, @cmjust0. I'd like to remind you, OP: keep in close contact with your therapist while you're doing this work. Let him/her guide you, and help you process your feelings. Also, when the time is right, you should tackle the project of making amends - apologizing to the people you've harmed because of the trauma you experienced.

What @cmjust0 has discussed in this thread is the process of healing - and it not only involves facing the pain inflicted upon you, but taking responsibility for the pain you've caused (as well as learning new, functional ways to live and relate to people). That's hard work, and it takes time. People say all the time, "Oh, I've changed." Simple way to confirm that: have they taken responsibility for what they've done? Have they made amends to those they've harmed? If those things haven't happened, the "change" is all talk.

Good luck, OP - your bf sounds like a keeper (mini snowman = massive romance and many sexual favors in my book).

Our feeling often come from our past, and we often base our actions on our feelings (just kick me in the ass if I'm coming off as a know-it-all here). In other words, we are compelled to act in ways dictated by our past and without putting much thought into it. Our actions are based on the feeling we feel the strongest at the moment rather than what will get us the best outcome. In other words, we don't think.

Acting on our feelings is ok IF we are in a genuinely dangerous place and the feeling is a feeling of danger. But when we are in a place where we are safe and we are still feeling that feeling of danger, we need to question why we are feeling that way. We are probably feeling that way because it's how he felt in the past. However, that feeling has no real relivance to the current or future situation, so why act on the feelign from the past.

Yet often the compulsion is to act on the feeling.

Ah, but yes, it is that slowing down and thinking when we have the strong feeling and become compelled to act that is so much easier so say than it is really to do . . .

Mini doughnuts absolutely rock!

Well...it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean. Some guys have battleships, others have motorboats. Both are effective with the right captain.

I think our little @Erisad has a bit of the naughty in her. Keep it up (figuratively and literally).

I agree with you. Considering that 70% of women need more than penetration in order to orgasm, being with a well-endowed guy is really not all its cracked up to be. Too many of them think all they have to do is drop their pants and yell, "Come and get it!" Boo!

Erisad, I'm impressed - you might be a beginner, but girl, you're a fast learner!

Hope, holy fook that image will haunt me (now I have to convince my husband to do that )

Little update: Issues are being resolved slowly.
OT: He took me shooting this morning; so awesomeee.

I did all that and more when I was in my last relationship, and I still couldn't save it. I put forth as much as I could... I know that I'm not anywhere near perfect, and have to put a greater effort forward to make things work. Why then did it still fail? My ex was acting much in the way of the OP (except there hadnt been any sex involved as of that point, or in any of the relationship), but then after I did what I could to clean up my own act, she still pulled away and the relationship sunk.