Been on a few dates, how to initiate physical stuff/seduce?

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Vindi
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05 Dec 2010, 9:27 am

So I'm a 24 year old aspie guy who just graduated college and has never had a gf or really dated at all, and I'm a virgin. I met a girl on okcupid, she is 25 and just graduated too, and we've talked a lot on IMs, and have had 2 dates with another scheduled. We seem to get along really well and share a huge amount of interests. She may be -mildly- aspie, or more likely just quirky.

First date consisted of evening coffee + dessert at a nice cafe (I paid) -> walk in the park -> back to her place to watch a movie, 5 hours in total. I didn't touch or kiss her and then left.

Second date consisted of dinner at nice restaurant -> watched a chick flick at cinema -> went for a walk around the artsy riverside district -> her birthday ticked over at 12am -> her place to watch another movie -> decent kiss goodnight which I initiated (in fact my first kiss ever).

Third date is planned to be lunch at a nice restaurant -> probably movie(s) at her place, probably without her house mate at home.

I'm quite sure she is fairly keen (more than I am, even), based on what she has said and I doubt I'm wrong on this point.

Basically she doesn't seem to initiate anything and has explicitly stated she is quite passive physically, even after I told her I've never had a proper relationship, so basically I think I have to initiate everything. She has stated that it's very unlikely I would make her uncomfortable, so I don't think the issue is that she doesn't like to touch.

My problem is I can navigate a 'platonic' date and all that, but I don't know how or when to initiate physical contact, or how to seduce her properly. We've had a discussion kind of skirting the issue and she mentioned I seem very tense, and I probably am. She hints often basically saying she wants me to seduce her, and that I've missed lots of non-verbal hints regarding this (she doesn't know I'm an asperger).

So basically, how do I seduce a girl who has pretty much stated she wants me to, without it being weird and awkward?



Grisha
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05 Dec 2010, 9:50 am

I've been in this situation a couple times. Later the woman would claim to her friends that she literally "threw herself at me" and is beginning to wonder if I am gay.

Like you, I was definitely ready to go, but didn't see an unambiguous green light, and had no idea how to get the ball rolling gracefully.

Problem is, I still don't, even at my age - wish I had some advice, but I'm still wondering myself!

I have resolved that if I ever find myself in that situation again, I will take a deep breath, say a mental "f*ck it, I'm going in..." and head straight for the lips, no matter what. I figure I'll have my answer about 1 nanosecond later...

I really hope the WP ladies weigh in on this.



emlion
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05 Dec 2010, 9:52 am

Quote:
I have resolved that if I ever find myself in that situation again, I will take a deep breath, say a mental "f*ck it, I'm going in..." and head straight for the lips, no matter what. I figure I'll have my answer about 1 nanosecond later...


This is probably the best idea - well it would be if you were with me - i much prefer the guy to make the first step.
After 3 dates, i'd be ready to go - i'd say she's attracted to you if you have 3 dates. :)

I'd say, just go for it.



jamesongerbil
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05 Dec 2010, 9:53 am

Try holding her hand, perhaps while walking? See where it goes from there? :/
I think it's a romantic gesture that's forward w/o being trashy or overtly sexual. I don't think "just friends" hold hands, either, much...



Vindi
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05 Dec 2010, 9:59 am

Thanks, I'll try holding her hand when appropriate.

One thing in particular I'm unsure about is how to initiate something sexual, in the context of being at her place watching a movie, or having just watched a movie, or some variation on that? Is there some kind of optimal time window or is it more like just initiate it out of nowhere?



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05 Dec 2010, 10:50 am

Yeah man, just kiss her. What's the worst that could happen? She says she isn't ready? Playing the "confused guy that misread the signals" in a situation like that is always a good thing. You're a guy, you don't know any better, because you have a penis. (I know that's not the case with you, but the myth works in these situations. Just don't say those actual words, it's supposed to be implied) Maybe pull her close to you and look her in the eyes before you do. And don't ask permission, just do it.



Zara
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05 Dec 2010, 10:51 am

You've already kissed? Do it again and get more into it.
Kissing -> Making out -> Better things. :wink:

When you start feeling like it make yourself as close as you physically can to her. Touch her, hold her, look her in the eye and nudge your faces together and go for it. Let yourself relax and enjoy the moment. Let your hands wander some. Her hands may wander too... One thing will lead to another after that.

Here's a simple rule to remember: "If she doesn't like it, she'll stop you."
With that in mind, it sounds like she has already given you the green light to push things farther with her so get to it.

So things might be awkward? Maybe, maybe not. Don't think about it. If it is, it is. You'll get better with it the next time.

BTW, what movies are you guys watching?


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TheWeirdPig
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05 Dec 2010, 11:26 am

When you kiss her, slowly move away from the mouth toward the ears or neck. See how she reacts.

Also, see how her body and hands reacts. If she presses her body toward yours, or she moves her hands to diferent parts of your body.

And mostly, everything in it's own time.



Jono
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05 Dec 2010, 12:01 pm

Vindi wrote:
So I'm a 24 year old aspie guy who just graduated college and has never had a gf or really dated at all, and I'm a virgin. I met a girl on okcupid, she is 25 and just graduated too, and we've talked a lot on IMs, and have had 2 dates with another scheduled. We seem to get along really well and share a huge amount of interests. She may be -mildly- aspie, or more likely just quirky.

First date consisted of evening coffee + dessert at a nice cafe (I paid) -> walk in the park -> back to her place to watch a movie, 5 hours in total. I didn't touch or kiss her and then left.

Second date consisted of dinner at nice restaurant -> watched a chick flick at cinema -> went for a walk around the artsy riverside district -> her birthday ticked over at 12am -> her place to watch another movie -> decent kiss goodnight which I initiated (in fact my first kiss ever).

Third date is planned to be lunch at a nice restaurant -> probably movie(s) at her place, probably without her house mate at home.

I'm quite sure she is fairly keen (more than I am, even), based on what she has said and I doubt I'm wrong on this point.

Basically she doesn't seem to initiate anything and has explicitly stated she is quite passive physically, even after I told her I've never had a proper relationship, so basically I think I have to initiate everything. She has stated that it's very unlikely I would make her uncomfortable, so I don't think the issue is that she doesn't like to touch.

My problem is I can navigate a 'platonic' date and all that, but I don't know how or when to initiate physical contact, or how to seduce her properly. We've had a discussion kind of skirting the issue and she mentioned I seem very tense, and I probably am. She hints often basically saying she wants me to seduce her, and that I've missed lots of non-verbal hints regarding this (she doesn't know I'm an asperger).

So basically, how do I seduce a girl who has pretty much stated she wants me to, without it being weird and awkward?


Have you told her that you're still a virgin?



Grisha
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05 Dec 2010, 12:35 pm

TheWeirdPig wrote:
When you kiss her, slowly move away from the mouth toward the ears or neck. See how she reacts.

Also, see how her body and hands reacts. If she presses her body toward yours, or she moves her hands to diferent parts of your body.

And mostly, everything in it's own time.


While were on the subject:

Earlobes.

Love them, respect them, master them... :wink:



nthach
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05 Dec 2010, 12:52 pm

The last time I kissed a girl, it just happened out of the blue. Of course I was subsequently rejected when I tried to hook up with her a few days later but it was still an amazing moment for me.

My advice is to take it slow as others say and kiss her in other places like the ears or neck as Grisha suggested - even though I've never done with with a girl yet. The last time I was really into it I progressed it to a make out session. And of course feel for the girl's reaction too, hand placement and facial movements even though us aspies can't pick up on body language - I know with this one girl I made out she was tugging on my shirt and tried to send her a signal that I was ready for the next phase but it never happened. TAKE YOUR TIME!! !



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05 Dec 2010, 2:22 pm

Vindi wrote:
So I'm a 24 year old aspie guy who just graduated college and has never had a gf or really dated at all, and I'm a virgin. I met a girl on okcupid, she is 25 and just graduated too, and we've talked a lot on IMs, and have had 2 dates with another scheduled. We seem to get along really well and share a huge amount of interests. She may be -mildly- aspie, or more likely just quirky.

First date consisted of evening coffee + dessert at a nice cafe (I paid) -> walk in the park -> back to her place to watch a movie, 5 hours in total. I didn't touch or kiss her and then left.

Second date consisted of dinner at nice restaurant -> watched a chick flick at cinema -> went for a walk around the artsy riverside district -> her birthday ticked over at 12am -> her place to watch another movie -> decent kiss goodnight which I initiated (in fact my first kiss ever).

Third date is planned to be lunch at a nice restaurant -> probably movie(s) at her place, probably without her house mate at home.

I'm quite sure she is fairly keen (more than I am, even), based on what she has said and I doubt I'm wrong on this point.

Basically she doesn't seem to initiate anything and has explicitly stated she is quite passive physically, even after I told her I've never had a proper relationship, so basically I think I have to initiate everything. She has stated that it's very unlikely I would make her uncomfortable, so I don't think the issue is that she doesn't like to touch.

My problem is I can navigate a 'platonic' date and all that, but I don't know how or when to initiate physical contact, or how to seduce her properly. We've had a discussion kind of skirting the issue and she mentioned I seem very tense, and I probably am. She hints often basically saying she wants me to seduce her, and that I've missed lots of non-verbal hints regarding this (she doesn't know I'm an asperger).

So basically, how do I seduce a girl who has pretty much stated she wants me to, without it being weird and awkward?


While you are walking with her...or strolling really, one thing you can do is stop, take her hand, get close to her, look her dead in the eye, and say something deep and romantic.

Other than that I have no advice....however I saw a guy in the romance section of the book store the other day (I wasn't in it, it's just visible from the magazine section) and I couldn't help but to wonder why a guy would be reading romance books, and then it dawned on me; they are probably pretty good instruction manuals for seducing women.



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06 Dec 2010, 7:19 am

I am an older Aspie and I could smack myself in the head for all the chances I missed when I was young.

I see now that girls were giving me signals all the time but I was too stupid to notice.

One girl actually said "I want to have sex with you" so we did.

But there were many others who gave me hints and signals that I ignored. They must have thought I was a total geek (which I was).



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06 Dec 2010, 7:28 am

I think this is actually quite simple. Just try gently pulling her close to you. If she resists, give it up. No harm no foul. If she doesn't resist, move on from there.


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06 Dec 2010, 11:22 am

It is awkward to make that transition, especially if you both are too polite to talk about your true feelings or longings.

What worked for me as the physical ice-breaker when it is reasonably clear the person is interested -- offering a shoulder or neck massage. You get an excuse to touch, you are creating pleasure, and usually things progress quite nicely from there. Kiss the back of her neck, her shoulders, etc.



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06 Dec 2010, 12:48 pm

3rd date means you have a green light. You gave her a kiss goodnight already. When walking or watching a movie first hold her hand and if she doesn't push you away then you are good. After about 10-15 minutes put your arm around her for a while. If she doesn't push you away then go for a kiss. DO NOT start groping her at all. Do not go for sex on this date unless she is willing. Give it a few more dates unless she says otherwise. She may like the fact that you are inexperienced and are moving slowly.


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