Another day, another girl

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In mid-April I met a girl using Lavalife. She was a nice person, and lived about 40 minutes from my house. She e-mailed me her phone number, and I left it on my computer, intending to call her once exams were over and my school year was behind. Shortly after this, my hard drive got damaged and parts of my data got wiped out - including her phone number. Additionally, she started a new job and was no longer using MSN. So for the time I was cut off.

Last weekend she came on MSN for the first time in over a month and we chatted, and she told me that she had met someone else, from Guelph. To put this into perspective, I live an hour east of the Canada-US border, she lives 15 minutes from the border, and Guelph is about two hours to the east. She admitted however that he wasn't a great guy, whom when she went all the way to Guelph to see him, he was merely using her to drive him around and so forth. She didn't really like him, and she said she'd rather be with me, now that we were able to communicate again. Yesterday we discussed meeting in a town halfway between my home and hers, this coming Monday.

This morning as I arrived at work I had a text message on my cellphone. It was from her, saying that she's decided that she'd rather be with the guy from Guelph.

What did I do next? Called her cellphone, and left a lengthy message, quivering with anger. I basically told her that I am not happy and that there is no reason why I should have to pay for my computer crashing by losing out on one of the only girls that ever gave me a chance (she's the only one that agreed to trying out a kiss on a date, something I have never been permitted to do), and that it's dumb that she'd rather be with a guy that lives so far away who she herself said she doesn't like.

She got what she deserved, and she has just lowered my opinion of women in general. It won't be long until I lose interest in dating, because I am just getting too cynical and angry about women. They're all the same, and no I am not making that up. I am so f*****g sick of being single and I'm just going to keep blowing money on Lavalife. That's the only thing I spend money on other than food and tuition, and the occasional item of clothing. So far I have spent at least $60 on that site alone, plus more on Match.com. The only people that seem to show any interest in me live way too far away for me to meet.

Someone is going to give me a chance. I am NOT going to accept being treated like a second class citizen in my own country. I am very sick of always being "the single guy", or "the dateless guy", or never having a hand to hold, or someone to spend time with. Just give me someone and I'll shut up. I just want to know what it's like to be with someone, share a kiss, and all those other good things. But I guess it will never happen, because women are turning out to be all the same. And that's a real shame, because it won't be long until I'm completely turned off women and don't even want to bother with them.

Gotcha.

My advice: go listen to the Sublime song "What I got" about a dozen times. That might help.

And remember women are people. And People get confused and make bad decisions with alarming regularity. People invented the A bomb, and reality TV, and Cheeze Whiz. I mean, Paris Hilton is a person (technically...). Yeah, people don't make much sense....

He must have F'ed the S out of her.

# She does not like him for who he is.
# He is inconviniently far away.
# He's a loser (no car!).
# Doesn't have money (no car!).

What else could it be but the screwin'?

Yeah, you need to really examine these feelings you have about being penalized for your computer crashing. I have experienced this sort of frustration when I was younger, and I know how you must feel. But this idea that you are being punished or something, that is just a symptom of the way we try and mould the world into our own idea of justice and all. It's just not real.
And it is a huge turn off to girls. Just think about it for a while rationally, and you will probably understand.

I don't want to say " life's not fair," but that is what it boils down to. It still sucks, I'm with you on that. But, the best you can do really is to try and learn the specific ways that it isn't fair, and try and compensate maybe, or as someone once said, "be the change you want to see in the world."

Don't give up. You just start fresh tomorrow.

She told me that she doesn't want any sex whatsoever, and he seems to be only interested in sex. That was another reason she was planning to cut it off with him. She wanted originally to be with me because I wasn't looking to get laid.

That being said, I must say that one of the secrets to meeting people on Lavalife is to send smiles to profiles with no photo. This was one with no photo.

I sympathise with your situation ELLCIM, but try to remain objective and refrain from indiscriminately laying down blame. From what you have said, it sounds like you were unlucky more than anything else, in that you missed an opportunity because of your computer crashing.

Yeah...it always seems to happen that way. Another girl, I was supposed to meet up with her for coffee, but I had to cancel at the last minute because my grandfather died and the funeral was at the same time as our date. What happened? She found someone else immediately and they're together now.

I might have a chance with someone else though. The main issue I have is the distance...just over two hours away. At least she and I have been fanticizing about having a romantic relationship. That's more than I can say for any other girl I've known.

But I don't get my hopes up anymore. There's no point.

I have to say, ellcim, you are some kind of bastard to do that. It's not HER fault either that your computer crashed. You don't have dibs on a girl just because you like her. You lucked out. Tough s**t. Don't take your crap out on her just because she decided to stay with the guy she was already with. You're desperate, you're angry you didn't get a chance, but don't bloody well blame her.

Shh. Use your "indoor" voice.

Now, to take this more seriously. I am not so much upset that my computer crashed. After all, I was able to regain contact with her. But, she TOLD me that she was going to call it off with the guy from Guelph, and she told me that she didn't even like him and that she was interested in him merely because he was the only guy interested in her (she assumed I wasn't interested after I lost my computer access, but she was delighted that I was back). She said that she was going to go to Guelph this past weekend and break it off, and then we'd meet today (Monday). She told me that we were going to meet up and give things a try...even said that we'd try a kiss. And then on a whim she changes her mind...before even going to Guelph!

Now those kind of lies piss me off. And I have every damn right to be angry about that and blame her. I do not put up with lies from ANYONE, whether it be girls, guys, friends, coworkers, or whomever. Lying like that is absolutely unacceptable, and as far as I'm concerned, most girls I've ever known are compulsive liars (guys to some degree as well, although they're not conditioned to be 'nice', and generally they tend to speak their mind). MOST, not ALL. It's the minority girl that I dream of landing, and I know a few of them.

I've had similar situations happen, once I calm down I tend to think of it like, well she revealed her true colours as being inconsistent and a liar and it's probably better to have screened her out early because that's not the sort of person I want.

The angry phone call was probably not a good idea, just makes you look a bit silly and winds up your blood pressure. I would just cut all contact with her, she might come crawling back when she realises what a prat the other dude is then you can politely decline saying she had her chance and messed it up, nothing sweeter than that sort of revenge .

No need to rub it in further though, she will beat herself up more than you ever could and it might make her think more next time.

Yeah, and that's how I see it now. Oh by the way, when I was in contact with her in April, she went out of her way to tell me I was hot. Girls don't tend to do that with me. It just seems so, so many girls are like that though...say one thing and mean the opposite...now how do I stop this cynicism?



I don't know, knowing me if I hadn't called right away my anger would've boiled up even more and God knows what could've happened at work that day. It was partly the lies that angered me, and if I don't express myself right away, usually it builds and builds as I think about it more, and it can get even more explosive. I know when a former friend ducked out of being there for me when I needed her once I didn't get all that angry with her until almost two months later. I wanted to talk to her directly but it kept getting put off, and things boiled over once I couldn't hold it in anymore. But I've also had situations where I calm down after a couple hours. Who knows.

Last Friday is just one day I want to forget. My angry phone call before the start of the shift was only the beginning, and had I not made that phone call, what transpired later on could have been much worse. For the first hour I was very wired, and I got everything done in 10 minutes that usually takes 30-40. With all that extra time available, I scrubbed down all the tile walls in the back, and I did a damn good job of it. Then my patience started to dip. Six hours into the shift, I yelled at a coworker in front of customers, and got a verbal reprimand from managment (which I deserved).

I then went up to the reception office where my supervisor was doing some paperwork, and I went on a verbal rampage about the workplace and certain individuals I couldn't stand there and so on for probably 10 minutes - the first 4-5 minutes of which were loud and were within sight of the lunchroom where a number of employees were. After that I went back to the floor, and almost broke down in tears in front of the staff and customers...but I held back and I was fine fairly quickly. Up to that point I was going over again and again in my mind what I would say to her if she showed up at my work (it would be a bit of a drive, but she knows where I work). I was considering saying "I don't want to talk about this...you're just like almost every other girl I've ever met." The rest of the day I was very subdued.

Perhaps I had a manic episode triggered by my text message that morning? Maybe the psych majors here have some insight. I'm only an accounting major entering 2nd year.



That's good. If she learns nothing else, it will be to never lie like that.

Yeah, you should get yourself into a situation with high potential rotation. (i.e. somplace where new hotties turn up at a deent frequency) I know myself am often in a slow rotation situation where I'll latch on to someone of less than ideal quality because "hell, not like anyone better is gonna come along anytime soon". I only need to start taking my own advice

Sounds like he's that right kind of a***hole - the one that's got charisma, charm, must evidently make her laugh, the fact that he ha no money and that she says he's a bit of a loser I think kinda underscores that point. I'd say just forget about her, she sounds like she'd hang on a nice guy but date that kind of guy anyway even if your hard drive hadn't crashed. Yeah, and I agree with LoFreq - he was probably stuffing her pretty good and if anything she might have told you she didn't want sex because most women, when they meet a guy who's 'relationship material' instead of f***buddy material will do what they can to make themselves out to be that way (well, on the bright side it does say that she liked you to a point - whether or not all kinds of other factors wouldn't have screwed it all up though sooner or later is a hard call, when dating that kind of NT girl your odds are probably 1/20 of actually making it work maybe less).

ELLCIM - she just sounds fickle. Are you both very young (under 25 is very young to me, Lol)? As you age you will hopefully run across mature women more easily. Young women often simply want to play the field.

No one woman typifies all women though. She may be opportunistic, or just not ready for a commitment to any one person. She may like hearing compliments from men so she only wants the early courtship phase... so she switches back and forth between men so that phase is always new. But this is all just conjecture on my part.

My point is that it isn't a reflection on you necessarily... She simply sounds fickle.

And I also wanted to add that NT people have just as much trouble finding someone and it often takes a long time for them also. There are a lot of NTs without a hand to hold too. So it isn't impossible for you.

Also it's easy to be fooled as to someone's nature if you meet a person online so if you can, try other modes which are more in-person. In addition, I mean. And if you don't think Lavalife is for you, it's not the only game in town.

This kind of reaction is the reason a lot of girls won't directly admit they no longer want to see guys.



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