PSA: Partners who are too alike also cause fatal clashes

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There's a common attitude - not just on this forum, but in general - that if only you can find someone who's like you, everything will be good and you can have a happy relationship.

This is BS.

I can tell you right now, from heartbreaking personal experience, that even if you were to find a girlfriend or boyfriend who's exactly like you, that will cause clashes which could ruin the relationships.

Confused? Allow me to explain.

One of my ex-girlfriends, who was a fellow Aspie, was someone I thought was perfect. We had loads in common and had a lot of matching personality traits. But they caused us to argue so much we broke up three times in about two months.

For example, we both took things literally fairly often and we got upset over small things, sometimes starting arguments without even noticing it. These, largely, are Aspie traits, and the fact we shared them is what undone our relationship.

Of course you could say, "yeah, but what if we only shared positive personality traits?"

Well, even if I were to entertain the impossible notion that such a thing could happen, it'd still cause problems, namely that the relationship would get boring. If two people agree on everything and have the same views, they'll have little to talk about, and will begin to become bored of each other.

All of that is theoretical, though, since there's no such thing as two people who get along completely.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning AS/AS relationships, because different Aspies are effected differently, and personality is what matters here.

What I am trying to do, though, is make the point that, even if you find someone you're convinced is perfect for you, that fact alone can cause problems. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true.

Bit of a random thread really, but hey.

I remember thinking if my dad ever had to live with someone like himself he'd never stop yelling.

I wouldn't want a carbon copy of me, where's the fun in that?

What I like is someone highly relatable who is different to me.

I agree. ""compatible with me" =/= "just like me". Dating sites lean heavily on shared interests and similarity of profiles, but that's because dating sites have to base their algorithm on somehing tangible that people type in. But just because it's easy to type in to a profile doesn't mean that somebody else who typed the same thing in is a good match or in any way compatible.

edited to add; I realize you weren't talking dating sites. I just brought them up because a lot of people here use them and I think they feed into the myth that similarity equals compatibility. Before the rise of dating sites (in the pre-internet era when I was dating) there wasn't quite so much emphasis on similarity because people generally met face to face before they knew much of anything about each other and thus tested compatibility before they even knew about similarities. The rise of the internet and its' dating sites means that people know each others' likes and dislikes long before they ever meet and so are more inclined to mistake that list of likes and dislikes for actual compatibility.

I also agree with your broader point that similar personalities can clash with or bore each other. Yin and yang are needed.

I think people need to be alike or share something on a deeper level for a meaningful relationship.

The common interests, personalities and such are really just superfiscial elements. They might intially join some people, but those things can change and don't necessarily keep people together.

When I look at sucessful couples they seem to share something a deeper level like faith or life beliefs or shared struggles. Their personal interests can still be quite varied.

If personal interests aren't to be an indicator of compatibility, how do you figure that out? I don't have anything to otherwise go on in a relationship to see if was compatible with someone or not...

You figure that out by going out on dates. There is no shortcut. There is no getting around that step unless you are in an arranged marriage.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ByNROf8v-Q[/youtube]

I can totally see this being true, and in fact am attracted to people with complementary strengths and weaknesses. Though being a FWB with someone very much like me could work.

Not enough people concentrate on compatibility. They just concentrate on wanting a copy of themselves. I've noticed a lot of guys here like that.

I'll use me for example. I hate small talk. Could I be with a quiet guy? Hell no! No-one would say anything!

I prefer the opposite too.

you're everything i want, because you're everything i'm not.

Thats a good way of putting it. I like people who are often things im not... people who talk to others easily, for example - but in other ways I like people like myself - people who love animals and need their own space etc.

I think probably interests-wise it's best to be similar but personality wise, i prefer the opposite.
my boyfriend is so casual, and chilled out and confident and i'm the complete opposite.

Yeah clashes can be avoided that way. If someone is highly strung or something they need someone who will deal with it well. Same with people who yell a lot, or ones who sulk a lot.

I always liked that line. I don't really agree with it (I would want someone who is some things I'm not), but somehow it resonates all the same.

As for the topic at hand, yes, being too similar is a negative thing, or having the wrong traits in common. For example, if neither individual is a good communicator, that can go very poorly. I wouldn't want someone who is a carbon-copy of me. What would they have to offer me, other than their physical presence? No, I'd rather have someone with whom I have some traits in common but who says, thinks, and does some things I wouldn't or in ways I wouldn't--much more interesting this way.

heh, I've never known any guy well enough to know if he was anything like me at all. As far as I could tell, nobody was similar to me.