Autie Dating An Aspie

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This question is for Aspie men.

I have Autism NOS and I am dating an man who has very sever Asperger's. He says the wrong things at the wrong time and treat me like furniture. Yet he says he loves me and I believe him. And I love him, too.

We were apart for 2 years and first thing he said to me when we saw each other again was that he is not over me.

So we started to date again. He eludes to marriage, but i know he cannot commit. I am not sure I want to be his wife anyway.

He has a good job but no communication skills at all. So my questions are like this:

I am not attractive. Like many Aspie men I have met, he is very much into looks and keeps catching himself when he realizes it hurts me. Example: "My god! Look at that woman's breasts!" or " Look at that guy's body..." he is much into looks of both gender and I am rather small and mousy.

Could he just be settling for me because he can't find another partner? He has never had a relationship ever, unless he paid for it if you know what I mean. He has NO skills in communication and his friends drop off like flies. Maybe I am settling for him, too.

Has anyone else been in this? I am cut down a lot and then he will do something very nice like let me drive his own car to my work while he bikes because mine is further! So he does nice things, but I get the feeling he does not like me.

But we have been together for 15 y ears, so this is not a new thing. We met in a group long ago....I am getting older, too...

he doesn't sound like a very good partner, more like a complete jackass
no offense

Drop him. The guys probably sees you as an obsession.

I don't think it's fair to judge the guy based on one short description on a website.


Rachel, you say he does nice things like letting you drive his car to your work.

Have you considered going to therapy?

I hardly think lending someone a car can really build a relationship

Actually, most men are into looks of women; it's just that the aspies blab it out before they realize it could hurt someone. Also, the fact that he thinks other women look good does not necessarily mean he thinks you look bad.

An aspie-aspie relationship works really well, because you can talk to each other without having to worry about overtones, undertones, "reading between the lines", or any of that stuff - just say what you mean and mean what you say. It can take a while realizing you can drop all the stuff you might have learned for dealing with neurotypicals, but once you realize that, it's really nice.

Autism NOS is pretty broad, though, so I don't know if it implies the same things that asperger's specifically does. If it does, though, he may like you because he finds you a lot easier to talk to than the rest of the world.

Shows trust if nothing else. I don't even let my own family breathe on my iPad

OP, therapy might be a good way for you two to better understand each other.

Ditto! Hee-haw!! Hee-haw!! !

Why are so many people so quick to break up a relationship? Some of the things the OP describes sounds like it could be aspie behaviour. Rachel, maybe you could try talking to him about what your needs and probably also ask him to do the same because you are on the spectrum too.

because most aspies either refuse to change or simply ignore all advice and live in their own little world
why stick with someone if they are just horrid to be around
usually they don't change

Jesus!! ! It actually doesn't hurt to be a little bit understanding and accommodating. It is actually possible to get around those problems if they found other ways to communicate. Must it only be the aspie who needs to change because he/she is the one who is "disordered"?

if its them who is ruining the relationship yes!
this person came here, and obviously she has a problem with him
I mean everyone always goes on and on about "I shouldn't have to change" but in the real world-you do!
its not your world, you can't just expect everything to go your way
yes both parties should compromise but one shouldn't have to adapt to some stupid crap like no changes or weird stuff like that if they don't want to
you can't force someone to accept people with AS

I love how you blame relationship difficulties on one person. First of all, I never said he shouldn't have to change at all and adapting to "some stupid crap" is called compromise. Secondly, the OP is autistic herself, in case you haven't noticed, and came here for advice on how to make her relationship work. She wouldn't of come here for advice if she didn't want to accept him. Instead of giving advice on how to sort out the issues, you decide they must just break up.

If I were you, I would contact the women who runs the intimateaspie site Amy Marsh http://www.dramymarshsexologist.com/the ... index.html as she is a relationships counsellor specialising in aspergers and she is very nice and kind.

Other than that you need to decide how much you want the relationship and wether you want to work on it or not.

I think your partner sounds like a typical aspie and you probably just need to not 'take it to heart' when he says things.

If your concern is him not showing that he loves you enough, bring it up with him, think of what would make you feel loved (eg being told with words once a day, being bought presents, haveing a massage) and then ask him to include those things which make you feel loved. If he has high regard for you he will make the effort, and if he does not like you any more it may come out in the conversation.

I hope it works out for you

I concur. Ranking women's body parts aloud in the presence of your girlfriend is not cool.

What kind of car..