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just-lou
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08 Dec 2010, 9:29 pm

A friend said this to me and I'm actually having a harder time than I thought understanding what he means.
Is it common in aspie folk to simply not feel love? I have a hard time with any of that - affection, attachments, let alone love. I don't even know if I'm capable of love the way other people experience it - I doubt it. When he said that, he may as well have been asking me what movie I wanted to rent. It didn't really get any resonance from me. Generally, I function on a sort of cheerful affability. But love is something different, correct? He also said he finds me sexually attractive and physically beautiful. People have always said they like me when what they really mean was they want to have sex with me. When I started to consider this as he wants me to be his "girlfriend," all kinds of other things started coming up, such as his real motivations for his interest in someone like me (who is far from a proverbial good catch, in my view) and how I should respond to the situation. Apparently, his basis for concluding he is in love with me entails thinking about me when I'm not there, having a good time and feeling better when I am there. He also said he regards me as an amazing person, who makes him a better person. It's probably a very simple situation to an NT, but I'm lost as to what on earth is going on or what this means, or what one is supposed to do about it.



Wombat
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08 Dec 2010, 11:28 pm

just-lou,

He may very well be in love with you. The question is how do you feel about him?

Is he attracted to you? Yes. Does he want to have sex with you? Yes.
You might not think you are a "good catch" but perhaps he does.

If you think he is genuine in his feelings then why not let things progress to the next level?
Give him a chance to prove himself to you.



imzesok
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09 Dec 2010, 6:35 am

Before following through with Wombat's suggestion; it's rather important to note the following things:

1. How long have you known the friend in question. and how long have you actually been friends ?
2. Do you believe him when he says "you are an amazing person, who makes him a better person" ?

Quote:
Apparently, his basis for concluding he is in love with me entails thinking about me when I'm not there, having a good time and feeling better when I am there.


This to me is a rather big statement. One of two things is happening here: either he just wants to get you in the sack and is trying to butter you up, OR he really is starting to fall for you. Since we obviously have no idea what type of person he is, or his track record with other girls, we cannot really judge properly which it is for your case. For what it's worth, if it were me giving that statement to someone, however it'd definitely the latter explanation.

If you feel confident that he's telling you the truth, you've been friends for a while, and know his character well enough to know which of the two things he wants, then by all means go out with him. if you're still feeling nothing after say.. the second or third date, then break it off, by then you'd probably have an answer to the question; "does he want me, or my body?" anyway.
Most of all, just remember to be completely honest with him, regardless of your decision.



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09 Dec 2010, 9:41 am

Yes, he loves you. :lol:

But if you don't feel the same, just tell him.


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Blint. :heart:


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09 Dec 2010, 10:52 am

If you already had sex with him, he probably does love you. Some guys, even old ones will give you that line because they want to get "in". If you don't feel the same, tell him nicely with great regard for his feelings. Maybe you don't respect him enough to give him your love because you did say that he is hardly a catch. If a fish is too small, throw it back in the water.
Did you ever hear the saying, "If you're single and over 30, lower your standards." That's a lot of nonsense. I'd say to up your standards because when you're older there's more to you than ever before. BUT if he's does love you, can you suggest that he improve himself to help you feel the same. I don't mean for him to actually change but to enhance what he has to make you feel like he is a catch after all.



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09 Dec 2010, 11:03 am

Love isn't simple for anyone.

How do you feel about him?



just-lou
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09 Dec 2010, 5:32 pm

Quote:
you did say that he is hardly a catch


I said I am no catch. Me. Like many people here seem to share, I don't have much of a sense of self-worth. That's partially what I'm finding suspicious - I don't believe anyone could legitimately like me. There has to be some ulterior motive.
I like this guy well enough - been friends for a few years now, though I'm generally quite a busy person and we don't see each other all that regularly sometimes. Me, I'm not real good with feelings so I don't know if I have any for him or not. I like him sure, I spend time with him happily enough, but I was under the impression that love is rather more intensive. Maybe I'm stereotyping it? I don't know. Just all these things I never had to think about - like all this usual nonsense of measuring us both up, thinking about "what kind of person" I'd like to be with, and so on. All seems pointlessly time-wasting really, but he did put this thought out there and it has to be dealt with.



Wombat
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10 Dec 2010, 4:24 am

just-lou wrote:
I said I am no catch. Me. Like many people here seem to share, I don't have much of a sense of self-worth. That's partially what I'm finding suspicious - I don't believe anyone could legitimately like me. There has to be some ulterior motive.
I like this guy well enough - been friends for a few years now, though I'm generally quite a busy person and we don't see each other all that regularly sometimes. Me, I'm not real good with feelings so I don't know if I have any for him or not. I like him sure, I spend time with him happily enough, but I was under the impression that love is rather more intensive. Maybe I'm stereotyping it? I don't know. Just all these things I never had to think about - like all this usual nonsense of measuring us both up, thinking about "what kind of person" I'd like to be with, and so on. All seems pointlessly time-wasting really, but he did put this thought out there and it has to be dealt with.


I will go out on a limb here.
You have known him for years and yet still he likes you. I don't think he is a "cad" or a "seducer" or he wouldn't still be trying.

Do yourself a favor. Have sex with him. Not just once but a few times. You will probably like it.

And he will be so smitten with you that he will do anything for you.



CrinklyCrustacean
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10 Dec 2010, 6:34 am

Wombat wrote:
Do yourself a favor. Have sex with him. Not just once but a few times. You will probably like it.

And he will be so smitten with you that he will do anything for you.


Bad advice. If after that she decides she isn't interested, he's going to feel used, betrayed, and VERY angry.



RICKY5
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12 Dec 2010, 2:08 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
Wombat wrote:
Do yourself a favor. Have sex with him. Not just once but a few times. You will probably like it.

And he will be so smitten with you that he will do anything for you.


Bad advice. If after that she decides she isn't interested, he's going to feel used, betrayed, and VERY angry.


So says the virgin right?



CrinklyCrustacean
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12 Dec 2010, 4:03 am

RICKY5 wrote:
CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
Wombat wrote:
Do yourself a favor. Have sex with him. Not just once but a few times. You will probably like it.

And he will be so smitten with you that he will do anything for you.


Bad advice. If after that she decides she isn't interested, he's going to feel used, betrayed, and VERY angry.


So says the virgin right?


Wombat is encouraging emotional abuse. How can you condone that?



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12 Dec 2010, 4:13 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
RICKY5 wrote:
CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
Wombat wrote:
Do yourself a favor. Have sex with him. Not just once but a few times. You will probably like it.

And he will be so smitten with you that he will do anything for you.


Bad advice. If after that she decides she isn't interested, he's going to feel used, betrayed, and VERY angry.


So says the virgin right?


Wombat is encouraging emotional abuse. How can you condone that?


Just saying that the guy friend sounds like an orbiter. Girls like to keep guy friends they don't f**k around for things like rides, handywork, validation, etc. Orbiter guy friends get suckered in by the lure of sex.



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12 Dec 2010, 8:27 am

There are good girls and bad girls.
There are the "prom queen" types who think nothing of leading guys on and then breaking their hearts.

There are good guys and bad guys. The "bad guys" know that women are attracted to the "tall, dark, hansom, and dangerous" types.
They will seduce you and throw you away like a used Kleenex.

But then there the girls and guys who are afraid of rejection. They just want to love and be loved in return.

The good news is that they are in the majority. Most people are decent and loving and loyal.