Help me save our Aspie relationship

Post Reply New Topic

I would like to ask for help to save my relationship with my wonderful Aspie fiancé.

Things between us were great and we laughed, played and fell in love. Then I told him about my abusive ex husband. In my NT way of thinking, I told him a lot of horrible details, to reassure him that I would never want to go back to the marriage. However it hurt him so much and we have never been able to get over it.

He says the stories upset him so much, and took the romance out of his world. He can't understand why I would marry someone like that when he didn't get to marry me and treat me well.

We broke up over this 6 months ago. He had so much hurt and anger, and it was a real blow out. But we were both determined to make it work and we muddled on. But the hurt has never gone away. I have read books on aspergers and relationships and I tried to reassure him everyday. But this has eaten away at us and now, he has decided my stories make him too sad and he has decided to leave.

Now for an NT like me, this makes no sense. If you love someone, how can it be better to have them out of your life rather than be together? I don't understand how to help him with his hurt and now I have lost not only my future husband, but my best friend too.

Please help me to help him

Maggie x

Honestly, as a woman with AS, it doesn't make any sense to me either. He is not being logical. Are you sure he actually has AS?

Maybe he doesn't like the thought of you being treated that way. Reassure him that you know he won't treat you like your ex did. This hasn't got anything to do with AS. He probably just doesn't know how to make things better for you after hearing those abuse stories, that's why he may think it's better not be in your life. Also, those abuse stories won't have the effect of reassuring him that won't go back to your ex, they'll just upset him. If you're over what happened in the past then rather put it behind you and don't talk about that often.

My last two ex's were jerks (never married) and I don't understand why your ex fiancee be hurt. I mean you haven't met him yet then at the time right? Then you were with him.

This doesn't make sense to me either and I am an aspie. I don't know his side of the story or his perspective. Could he have thought you were comparing him to them? My husband gets offended if I sometimes compare him to my first ex but certain things he says or does triggers those feelings and then he gets all offended and I don't understand why. I just don't want him to be like my ex and have to go through it again. If it's so offensive for him, how hard is it to stop or work on it?

Hi Chronos - it is his self diagnosis but it fits. The situation doesn't make sense to me either.

Thank you Jono - your reply made a lot of sense. I get the impression that is how he feels, but I can't help him through it. I never mention my ex now (and haven't since the beginning a year and a half ago), but the damage was already done. He was my first boyfriend after my divorce (3 years after) and I guess I didn't know how to handle the whole "ex" issue, and I messed up. Now I feel like I am being punished because I was treated badly.

I love my fiance, but we just can't work through the hurt and anger.

Maggie x

Thanks for the reply LeagueGirl: no, there was no overlap between the two, in fact there was a three year gap. I wanted to give it enough time to recover from my marriage. I was over it, but I suppose still influenced by my experience. I guess part of telling him was a cry for help that I never wanted to be treated like that again. Because he loved me thouh, it was too much for him, and he has gone. It is very sad. The only way I compared him to my ex was in happiness that he was so much nicer, sexier and better for me!

Maggie xx

Why would he not want to be with someone he loves?

Chronos, all I can go by is what he said, and he said I was the love of his life. He also said that Aspies don't lie

Maggie x

Aspies are as capeable of Lying as anyone else. But that's besides the point.

Jono has a point; he may feel angry at your ex's treatment of you, and he may feel powerless because he couldn't stop it.

I've another thought too; he may be upset that your abusive ex 'got the girl' (you) before him. Sounds stupid, I know, but if you hang around this forum a while, you realise that a regular rant amongst 'nice' guys is how all women go after jerks and the poor nice guys never get a look in...

I'm guessing your current fiance sees himself as a nice guy (& certainly nicer than your ex) so there may be a bit of bitterness that he was alone all those years because you 'chose' the bad guy (again, stupid, but aspies are often nowhere near as logical as we like to think we are).

Or maybe it's just the idea that you had another life before, without him, that 'spoils the romance'. Don't get me wrong, it's not like you went on about how wonderful your ex was, but if he was a regular topic of conversation, then your fiance may have taken it as a sign that you still had feelings for him (especially if his self-esteem is low or if he hasn't had much dating experience himself), or at the very least a painful reminder that you once had strong feeling for someone else.

He may not even know himself why he feels this way, which I imagine is incredibly frustrating for you, but at the end of the day, it's not your job to sort it out. He needs to grow up. You were the one who went through the abuse, so if anyone should be doing the supporting here, it's him. I would try not to bring up the ex too often anymore though; maybe offload on another family member or a counseller from now on if you can.

edit; ok, I read that the last time you mentioned him was a year ago... uh, in that case I don't know what to say except that you've done all you can & you know where you may have gone wrong. Now it's up to your fella to get over himself and realise that everyone has a past, or hang around and wait for some princess who's been locked in a glass tower her whole life.

Lene has it. I am a guy with autism, and I can tell you that the biggest issue is probably you having a life before. I know that when I meet someone, she likely had a life before, but that makes me very upset to know she found someone before me. I feel jealous that she met someone before me. Now, I haven't met anyone yet since my ex left me, but that is how I would feel.

The girl could be the best person in the world for me and the fact she was with another guy just sucks, especially a bad guy. You see, from my perspective the woman should have been smart enough from the beginning to not pick someone like that.

In addition, I see it as cheating if you were in a relationship before because this girl and I would end together and she should have known better. For me, I don't feel a time difference. If a girl has slept with someone in the past, it is just as bad as sleeping with someone while in a relationship together.

He could have also thought that you were comparing him to your abusive ex, and he may have thought that he was abusive (in his mind) and therefore not good enough and left you. Or, he might have thought that you still had feelings for your ex, felt hurt, and left you because he thinks he can't measure up to this guy even if he is abusive.

Anyway, for me, I hope that I can bet over the whole judgmental aspect of a girl having been with someone before me because I know chances are whoever I end up with most likely had a history.

Hopefully, what I said can be of help to you.

Wow - this forum is amazing: thank you all so much for taking the time to offer such thoughtful advice.

It makes a lot of sense what you say: he does seem jealous that I had a life before, and that is something I cannot change. I know that he is not reacting the way he should, and I've not been able to reassure him enough. I think that you are right, and needs to work it out for himself. I love him very much but maybe I can't make him change. I just miss my best friend

to me this is weird behavior. Is the rift between you a result of this alone or did it feed other problems?

I wish I could be of help in that regard. He is probably also in pain because of the jealousy of you having a life before. I know this is an issue I need to work out for myself. I'm sure deep down he still loves you if it is for the reason I am describing. It is hard though. And, our logic can be weird at times. Remember, he may feel like you cheated on him because you had a life before. Now, this does not make you a bad guy, but remember that he may also be going through some emotional pain. I really hope that everything works out for the both of you.

Conan - it seemed to be the main issue and that is why I cannot understand. However his anger then made things difficult and as I tried to sooth it, it wasn't a healthy relationship for either of us.

Arman - I really appreciate your input. I think what you say does fit, and certainly they way I could never convince him of my side of the argument makes it seem as though "cheating on him" seem like his possible feelings. But this makes no sense and will only lead to heartache for you. If you love someone then you love everything that they are and rejecting them for their previous relationship is like cutting off your nose to spite your face - it means you will loose out on some wonderful opportunities in life. But thank you for the explanation, as it does make sense.

As for me and my fiancé, well, he won't return my messages or mails, so unfortunately it maybe too late for us

I'm sorry I can't see his problem, and I'm a "male aspie".

My wife had an abusive relationship before me, and I didn't share any of the feelings you're describing. My reaction was I wanted to throttle the bastard, but that was also based on my belief that a guy should never physically abuse a girl

I think his issues are that of pride and his own self esteem. Is he also going to have issues with you having kissed a guy before your ex husband? I think his problems are far beyond aspergers and really he needs a lot more help than anything you can do. As much as you want to get him back, and help him through his issues, the sad fact is we can't save everyone, sometimes self preservation is in order.

You're right. It is cutting off the nose to spite the face. Sometimes, I do things like this to myself, and I end up hurting myself as a result of some twisted logic that goes through my head. I'm not just talking about things related to dating, but in life in general.