Infatuation, obsession, not letting go, etc.

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OK, so I just read the thread entitled "Cyber spying/stalking, am I obsessed and a creep". I didn't have anything to add to that thread, but it got me thinking....

If you haven't read the thread, it describes becoming obsessed with someone who isn't interested in you (or was somewhat interested but then rejected you), and having a very hard time letting go and forgetting that person.

How common, or rare, is this sort of thing? Does it happen to everyone at some point, or only to a small segment of the population, or what?

Is this common among people w/ AS or HFA?

Most importantly, WHY does this happen, and how can it be prevented or at least dealt with when it does happen?

Doesn't happen to me, and at my age it's unlikely that it ever will.

I'm the exact opposite, even the tiniest hint of rejection and I often disappear without a trace...

Most people become infatuated with someone at some point. It's not uncommon.

Can't really tell if it's more common among HFA/Aspies, however.

I think alot of the issue with people with AS and this kind of thing is what the other person says to show they are not interested. Alot of people say "I just want to be friends". That is just trying to let them down easy, not hurt them. They really want nothing to do with them. Most people with AS can't see what they really mean when they say something like that. The person is telling them they want to be friends, but then get upset when the person trys to stay friends with them and calls them a stalker, ect..

I don't think it's possible for me to want someone without becoming somewhat obsessed.
I've come to realise that it's best for me to think of someone as my love interest, not doing anything about it, not becoming disappointed, and it works great as long as she's single.

I think it relates to the spectrum, as in general we tend to like things "fixed" and not changed, don't we?

Anyways for me it's so bad that it's the reason why I don't even want to try and date anyone. It'll always end up bad. I need to have someone to know that I want, but prefer not to want them too much, because then it affects my whole behaviour. For the good, at start, then for the bad. Somewhat like drugs, or like deciding to quit alcohol, because I still like being drunk, I just don't like everything that goes with it.
I cannot want someone, and have a chance to be with them, without wanting too much. It's a curse.

I'd like to know from some NT (or Aspies) why they don't want to be friends. Are they afraid of something, are they thinking that the other person "cramps their style" or they just being obnoxious jerks. What makes if difficult to be friends?

well, it depends. they may try being friends, but if their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend keeps trying to get back together with them, then they won't want to be friends anymore. i.e. still bringing back "old times", or mentioning how good you were together, or requiring endless explanations as to why it didn't work out, or inquiring too heavily into their new love lives, etc.

I get the feelings of the OP, but I box them up and effectively disappear instead. The feelings don't go away though. And they just compound over each rejection, which is part of why each rejection is so crushing... it's just piling it on top of all the other rejections I've had in life.

@hyperlexian addressed your question @TheWeirdPig, but here's another thought: immediately pursuing friendship after a romantic relationship has ended is very difficult. There are too many emotions to work through, and it makes it impossible to actually work through them when they keep getting triggered by hanging out with the ex. Usually the person who does the breaking up offers friendship. They are almost always offering friendship as a way of softening the blow of the break-up....they don't actually want to be friends, but they feel that cutting the person out of their life entirely is cruel. If the person on the receiving end of the break-up offers friendship, it's almost always a ruse to rekindle the romance.

I think it's possible to be friends after a break-up (assuming the break-up was at least respectful, if not amicable) - but not for a long while. Even when you genuinely want to get over someone, it's almost impossible to do that when you're always around them. I guess the acid test to whether it's okay to be friends would be how you feel about them currently. If you still have unresolved feelings about the relationship and/or the break-up, it's too soon to try to be friends.

I completely agree with all of the above. Being friends works for a while, but if there are ANY unresolved feelings, things are not going to end well.

I also have to wonder if the maturity level of each also makes a difference.

I had a neighbor who was in his eighties and died earlier this year. He'd been divorced for years, but his obituary listed his ex-wife as being his best friend. I know she took care of him after he had gotten sick.

i think my ex is obsessed with trying to be friends with me.

This has happened to me and it can be painful. There was a bartender at a restaurant I started crushing on hard. She never told me she wasn't interested but I had to have it explained to me that she was telling me by not smiling and attempting to appear cold and distant. That was so frustrating, all she had to do was say something and I would have left her alone but it dragged on for a while until I got banned from the place and had letter of disinvite served to me by the local police department. I loved trivia nights at that place and she didn't even work those nights! A previous obsession was dispelled by a dinner date where I realized she wasn't at all the person I thought she was and it was *poof* obsession gone, painlessly.

I know Exactly how this is. Every year I think of that person and get depressed. All around winter time too. I start wishing I wasn't an aspie/adhd fueled bag of nonsense. Then I write lyrics and get over it. feels bad man.

The world would be such a much better place if people weren't passive aggressive like that bartender.

Well I have this obsession with a beautiful girl that I used to be friends with. She was so beautiful sometimes I couldn't help myself, I had to touch her, either her ass, her boobs or her legs. The weird thing is she didn't mind most of the times. In fact she was the one who wanted to be friends with me in the first place, at first I didn't think this super hot girl would have anything to do with me but she actually started talking with me a whole lot. She was the first girl that I had actually gotten attention from and she's the reason I can actually talk to girls now(if I can talk to this hot girl I can talk to any girl). At first I just wanted to be friends but eventually I got hugely infatuated. She said stuff like, I'm so horny I might jump you or she would ask me to touch her boobs or she wrote my address on a piece of paper(don't even know where she got that from). At that time I was still pretty stupid and she also had a boyfriend so I didn't know how to react. I just thought she was being friendly as it was obvious I was still a virgin. Anyway this continued for a year or so until we both quit those classes. After I stopped seeing her I thought about it and I felt like she was into me at the time but I can't be certain and I don't remember those times all to well because I was to dumb at that point. A couple of months ago I finally told her how I felt, because I had to get it off my chest that I was in love with her, she didn't really react in a positive or negative way, but I knew she had a boyfriend she cared deeply for so it didn't really matter. And btw I didn't want to steal her from her boyfriend, I just wanted to express my feelings because I couldn't lie to her anymore.
The fact is she's the first girl that gave me so much attention, she helped solve my girl shyness, we were good friends, I was allowed to touch her body and she was really really beautiful, probably the most beautiful girl I know(that's no exaggeration, she was model quality) so yeah I'm still kinda infatuated. Oh btw she wasn't slut if any of you think that.

Last edited by kruger4 on 15 Dec 2010, 7:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.