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Break-up: Aspie style!!

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wefunction
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02 Feb 2011, 1:59 pm

^^
That's very positive, Maggie! I think this is fabulous and definitely something everyone should learn from.



MidlifeAspie
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02 Feb 2011, 2:00 pm

I am glad you were able to see the positive in the end :)



drown_my_sense_is
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02 Feb 2011, 8:37 pm

I just want to thank everybody for sharing, it help me see things much better all around. I would just leave like other aspies said. for me, I never could come to explaining my leaving to the other, I already dont do well sharing emotions & get inappropiate or all cold if I ever see serious emotions. plus, I probably would have broken down in her midst, so I dont let out.
can get overwhelmed, I pick up vibes/sense feelings well only in such a relationship.


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SurfMaggie
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03 Feb 2011, 3:42 pm

@drown_my_sense_is I'm glad we have helped you. I've gained a lot of strength from it to. I hope one day though you can find a partner that you really love and can trust with your emotions. Real relationships involve sharing the hardest of emotions - that's what makes them special. So choose carefully and open your heart. I wish you the best of luck.

Maggie xx



ptown
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03 Jan 2012, 10:34 am

This is so sad. I lost my friend, roommate, ex-lover, etc...when my Aspie just DELETED ME after 3 years and too many conflicts of wants/needs. He just walked away as if those entire 3 years never happened and has made zero attempt to contact me. I am respecting his deletion and not contacting him either. Of course, I am alone with my emotions and memories and he is 100% consumed by Survivor, Wikipedia, Minecraft, Furry BDSM Hentai and YouTube so much easier for him to never think of me again. I am very sad.



JanuaryMan
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03 Jan 2012, 12:22 pm

I'm sure he tried his best to stay with you but his condition must have ultimately won and he conceded defeat before it got too much for him, and also too unbearable for you.

That's all I can say from a past relationship which lasted a year. I still miss them now after 2 years.
Maybe you could have a cool off period and try and arrange to meet in the park, for a drink, a walk or something you are both in a comfort zone of doing and make it clear it's just to see how things are. And take things very slowly. It could spark something back up again :)



El-ahrairah
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06 Jan 2012, 2:13 am

ptown wrote:
This is so sad. I lost my friend, roommate, ex-lover, etc...when my Aspie just DELETED ME after 3 years and too many conflicts of wants/needs. He just walked away as if those entire 3 years never happened and has made zero attempt to contact me. I am respecting his deletion and not contacting him either. Of course, I am alone with my emotions and memories and he is 100% consumed by Survivor, Wikipedia, Minecraft, Furry BDSM Hentai and YouTube so much easier for him to never think of me again. I am very sad.


I think you may be misinterpreting his actions. He's may be doing that stuff because the alternative is thinking about a failed relationship. That's not to say you didn't have a place in his life that can be easy filled. It's a coping mechanism.

If I broke up, I'd throw myself into video games/Internet/work/etc. because the alternative would be sitting and ruminating about it.



Guybrush_Threepwood
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16 Mar 2012, 5:09 am

I have always found it curious that women seem to become very upset when an ex isn't heartbroken over an ended relationship. I don't think it is strange to desire somebody expresses sadness over loss, but the emphasis/priority of this desire confuses me. Some people deliberately seek out a rebound partner in the hope of eliciting this expression of sorrow from the ex. I think that is malicious, immature, and nothing but an expression of a person's insecure and hateful nature.

People should just be nice and care about each other. Breaking up is hard for most people...but even harder when an ex keeps making emotional demands after the fact...



MakaylaTheAspie
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16 Mar 2012, 4:56 pm

Me two days ago to my new ex:

Me: "I don't like you anymore. You're immature, egotistic, and only worry about yourself."
My ex: *starts getting upset* "You're supposed to go to prom with me, in a blue dress with pretty heels, and a corsage, and my mom can drive us up there."
Me: "I hate prom, green is my favorite color, and I don't even know if you can travel all the way to Portland and back safely."
My ex: "What about the future?"
Me: I'm not interested in a family right now. Bye."

I wouldn't have even cared if he didn't get emotional. Boys. :roll:


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ptown
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15 Dec 2012, 12:54 pm

my aspie and I had 8 months of no contact. we reunited in July and have had a lovely romance and he dumped me again last night saying he is not feeling romantic or sexual. we have been on and off for years but I can't go through this abandonment again. I love him so much but I fear years or decades of breakups and reunions if I don't just surrender now. sex was delicious and I'm grieving a lot. plus holiday breakups suck.
he wants to stay best friends but i'm too sexually attracted to him. ugh.



Merle
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19 Dec 2012, 2:20 am

I hate break ups. Generally my (chickensh*t) approach is to

1. Get a new cell phone
2. Use the excuse that the old cell phone locked up, broke or got lost while you screen calls hoping they stop calling
3. When they become so annoyed, frustrated, sad, etc. you apologize, make up excuse and continue to withdraw
4. They realize it's not working and that you're too much of a hassle
5. You withdraw, read book and catch up on the TV shows you missed (Firefly, Fringe, Voyager)
6. Pine and think it wasn't so bad then realize there's some new/interesting mini-series out there (Doll House, Alphas)

If you live with them (uh oh!) then you move out knowing everything is replaceable. Take the cat.



MXH
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19 Dec 2012, 2:24 am

Off topic but i am saddened I read the title to the soundtrack of gangam style



Merle
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19 Dec 2012, 2:37 am

MXH wrote:
Off topic but i am saddened I read the title to the soundtrack of gangam style


Seriously?

Quote:
Joined: Jul 29, 2010
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I haven't even seen the video...



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19 Dec 2012, 4:32 am

SurfMaggie wrote:
Hi,

I'm an NT struggling to come to terms with my Aspie fiancé breaking off the relationship. He said i was the love of his life and meant it but now has simply drawn a line and cut off communication overnight after we spent every day of the last year and a half together. It hurts and I miss him.

I know things were not great and the break up was probably the right thing to do, but I really struggle with the fact that he doesn't seem to even miss what we had. He always said he could just make a decision to move on and do it, but was also a very sensitive soul too.

If there are any other Aspie guys out there who think in a similar way, could you offer me a little insight into perhaps how your hearts work... I am really struggling to think that our time together means so little to him when I am falling apart.

Thanks friends

SurfMaggie xx


For me its practicalities. You say: 'probably the best thing to do' then complain hes broken up with you....
Wheres the logic in that?

What do you want from him?
He may seem to not miss you because as you say, things were not good between you... so now that your apart.... things must be better?
Thats the way I see it...
What do you want from him??



arrmada
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02 Jan 2013, 8:52 am

Grisha wrote:
Meow101 wrote:
Grisha wrote:
MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
So do we think that this cutting-off-all-contact style break-up is an Aspie thing, a male thing, or a universal learnt defence mechanism...?

Maggie xx


My 2 cents: A universally available option that is more prevalent amongst Aspie men than other population samples.


Agreed


May I ask why the "no looking back"? Circumstances change, people can come to look at things differently...why the need to have it be permanent?

~Kate


That's an excellent question, I've always thought the necessity to be "self-evident".

After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

Kind of like "Edward Scissorhands"


Its not an intractable problem. Its you who makes it intractable.
And the "solution" of it is no way elegant, its extremely rude, having in mind you are able to realise (even if you are not very into empathy) you are hurting someone.
I wonder why would you people, who would practice such "elegant goodbye", even want a relationship with someone, when you know you will run for the hills when feeling disturbed in some way? Just buy yourself prostitutes, who will surely only take is as a business deal without much emotional involvement.
I'm really unpleasantly amazed by those who know they can't deliver much but still hang around people who want a relationship with a person, not just a person who would buy flowers, pay for dinners and etc., be it Aspie or NT.



arrmada
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02 Jan 2013, 9:19 am

CJame wrote:
I am a male aspie. Maggie I can help explain how a person can just "switch it off."

I can be described as seeing things very black and white, and when a situation is terribly upsetting to me, I obsess about how I was "wronged." During those few hours, I can not think about anything else, and I keep repeating the situation again and again in my head.

My brain gets overloaded because I am presented with a situation that makes me terribly unhappy, but I do not know how to solve the situation. A normal NT person can be eloquent in speech and explain to their beloved how they were terribly upset without sounding accusatory.

I'm terrible at telling people how I feel without sounding like I am placing full blame on the other party. So I shy away from confrontation and I do not vocalize my unhappiness. Because of this, I rarely complain about food or bad service. Instead, I just don't patronize that business anymore. In the same manner, I avoid a friend or a lover.

After a few weeks, months, or however long it takes for my memory to fade, I may return to the business or friend. During the absence, it is generally very painful -- if that is of any condolence.


And what about the situations when the other party feels "wronged" and asks you for some explanation? Does that make you feel "wronged" in a sense that a person you kind of care about had some bad thoughts about you and that makes you withdraw? E. g. I've noticed that my Aspie crush would not initiate the contact, though he used to do that quite often and would answer my messages if I would initiate the contact. I got tired of being resposible for keeping the contact and asked for his view on this situation. He started ignoring me and thats that. Reading the thread I've come to the conclusion he might have understood my questions as if I'm saying I want to break up or smth (didnt know he has AS then).