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Any older Aspies in stable relationships?

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Brainiac5
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09 Jan 2011, 9:28 pm

So I'm trying to be more positive about things, and would like to find a reason to give myself and others on WP a little hope.
If you are an Aspie, 40 or older, and have been in a stable marriage or LTR for several years, I'd like to hear from you. For starters, just to find Aspies out there who have been successful in relationships will give me hope that it is possible.



bee33
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09 Jan 2011, 10:41 pm

I'm not in a relationship right now, but I had two long term relationships, one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years, and they were both very good (except that they ended...)

I think relationships are easier than friendships, because there's not as much subtlety involved. When you're in a relationship, you can fawn on your partner and cover him with kisses, and he might think it's little weird, but there's enough closeness that he will accept your displays of undying loyalty. Aspies are good at loyalty, we are good at being straightforward and honest, we are good at becoming devoted to someone. I have never experienced the kind of games and mistrust in relationships that people always seem to talk about, particularly NTs. When I'm with someone, I am completely with them. I think this is a trait that many Aspies have.



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09 Jan 2011, 10:51 pm

Brainiac5 wrote:
So I'm trying to be more positive about things, and would like to find a reason to give myself and others on WP a little hope.
If you are an Aspie, 40 or older, and have been in a stable marriage or LTR for several years, I'd like to hear from you. For starters, just to find Aspies out there who have been successful in relationships will give me hope that it is possible.


I've not, but your mileage may vary.

Had multiple STRs though and many were really nice...



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09 Jan 2011, 11:21 pm

I'm 33 - not 40+ - but I am in a stable equitable relationship that's based on love and respect. I'd consider him a friend as well as a spouse. It's not perfect. We have disagreements. We've even yelled at each other (and probably will again). The important thing is that we work together and keep love and respect in front of whatever we say to each other. It's been "only" five years married and "only" seven years together, so I guess s**t can still happen; but, we have no concerns at this point in time regarding our marriage.

I've been in some doozy relationships before so it's really nice to not have those draining State of the Union discussions that go on for all night or discover the guy is cheating because he's awful at hiding it or be forced to decide what to do because the guy hit me. I figure each crappy thing I endured was making me smarter and that I'd make better choices the next time. And I eventually made the right choice with the right guy. So take that for what it's worth, I guess.



Brainiac5
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09 Jan 2011, 11:55 pm

bee33 wrote:
I'm not in a relationship right now, but I had two long term relationships, one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years, and they were both very good (except that they ended...)

I think relationships are easier than friendships, because there's not as much subtlety involved. When you're in a relationship, you can fawn on your partner and cover him with kisses, and he might think it's little weird, but there's enough closeness that he will accept your displays of undying loyalty. Aspies are good at loyalty, we are good at being straightforward and honest, we are good at becoming devoted to someone. I have never experienced the kind of games and mistrust in relationships that people always seem to talk about, particularly NTs. When I'm with someone, I am completely with them. I think this is a trait that many Aspies have.


Actually I don't have too much trouble making friends. As for loyalty an honesty, I think those are things that give Aspies advantages once in a relationship. My problem is getting a girl to want to go out with me in the first place.



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10 Jan 2011, 7:53 am

Brainiac5 wrote:
So I'm trying to be more positive about things, and would like to find a reason to give myself and others on WP a little hope.
If you are an Aspie, 40 or older, and have been in a stable marriage or LTR for several years, I'd like to hear from you. For starters, just to find Aspies out there who have been successful in relationships will give me hope that it is possible.


I am an Aspie. I married a woman who was manic-depressive although I didn't know that at the time.

I have crashed and burned a number of times. She has tried to commit suicide a number of times.

Yet we are still together at the age of 62. Why?

Because we took our vows seriously. "In sickness and in health" etc.

We grit our teeth and swore to see it through to the end.

And so we are still together and still love each other.



bee33
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10 Jan 2011, 11:54 am

Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I'm not in a relationship right now, but I had two long term relationships, one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years, and they were both very good (except that they ended...)

I think relationships are easier than friendships, because there's not as much subtlety involved. When you're in a relationship, you can fawn on your partner and cover him with kisses, and he might think it's little weird, but there's enough closeness that he will accept your displays of undying loyalty. Aspies are good at loyalty, we are good at being straightforward and honest, we are good at becoming devoted to someone. I have never experienced the kind of games and mistrust in relationships that people always seem to talk about, particularly NTs. When I'm with someone, I am completely with them. I think this is a trait that many Aspies have.


Actually I don't have too much trouble making friends. As for loyalty an honesty, I think those are things that give Aspies advantages once in a relationship. My problem is getting a girl to want to go out with me in the first place.

If you are able to make friends, then you have already won half the battle. Befriend a girl that you like, and then you have the opportunity to show her how loyal and honest you are. My first bf won me over simply with his persistence, and since his attention was sweet and not stalkerish, I ended up being with him.

I know it's easier said than done, but you seem to have a lot going for you. Good luck.



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10 Jan 2011, 7:43 pm

bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I'm not in a relationship right now, but I had two long term relationships, one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years, and they were both very good (except that they ended...)

I think relationships are easier than friendships, because there's not as much subtlety involved. When you're in a relationship, you can fawn on your partner and cover him with kisses, and he might think it's little weird, but there's enough closeness that he will accept your displays of undying loyalty. Aspies are good at loyalty, we are good at being straightforward and honest, we are good at becoming devoted to someone. I have never experienced the kind of games and mistrust in relationships that people always seem to talk about, particularly NTs. When I'm with someone, I am completely with them. I think this is a trait that many Aspies have.


Actually I don't have too much trouble making friends. As for loyalty an honesty, I think those are things that give Aspies advantages once in a relationship. My problem is getting a girl to want to go out with me in the first place.

If you are able to make friends, then you have already won half the battle. Befriend a girl that you like, and then you have the opportunity to show her how loyal and honest you are. My first bf won me over simply with his persistence, and since his attention was sweet and not stalkerish, I ended up being with him.



I know it's easier said than done, but you seem to have a lot going for you. Good luck.


I've already done all that. I have a close female friend, but she insists we are only friends.



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10 Jan 2011, 9:15 pm

I'm 35, no over 40...but not far away really. haha. Anyway, I've been in the same relationship for 17 years and married almost 11. It's a lot of work but it basically comes down to a certain gentleness you have to have with one another. You have to see the humanity in the other person and have compassion for their struggles - and they should do the same for you. Together you are a third thing - not just him or me, but us. It's a third sort of entity that has to be nurtured and cared for because it's very fragile, but beautiful, like a delicate flower.



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11 Jan 2011, 11:32 am

bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I'm not in a relationship right now, but I had two long term relationships, one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years, and they were both very good (except that they ended...)

I think relationships are easier than friendships, because there's not as much subtlety involved. When you're in a relationship, you can fawn on your partner and cover him with kisses, and he might think it's little weird, but there's enough closeness that he will accept your displays of undying loyalty. Aspies are good at loyalty, we are good at being straightforward and honest, we are good at becoming devoted to someone. I have never experienced the kind of games and mistrust in relationships that people always seem to talk about, particularly NTs. When I'm with someone, I am completely with them. I think this is a trait that many Aspies have.


Actually I don't have too much trouble making friends. As for loyalty an honesty, I think those are things that give Aspies advantages once in a relationship. My problem is getting a girl to want to go out with me in the first place.

If you are able to make friends, then you have already won half the battle. Befriend a girl that you like, and then you have the opportunity to show her how loyal and honest you are. My first bf won me over simply with his persistence, and since his attention was sweet and not stalkerish, I ended up being with him.

I know it's easier said than done, but you seem to have a lot going for you. Good luck.


Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?



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11 Jan 2011, 12:00 pm

Brainiac5 wrote:
Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?


Possible Scenario 1: Someone has a moment of weakness and cheat, then their partner cannot forgive them no matter how long they're in therapy for it.

Possible Scenario 2: They start to take each other for granted, develop so many separate interests and activities that they become strangers to each other. They grow apart.

Possible Scenario 3: The relationship eventually deteriorates for whatever reason. They fight too much, just get on each other's nerves, and it all snowballs. They don't go to couples therapy or try to minimize the damage before it gets too big and they decide they want out.

And there's a million more scenarios.

There's no guarantee that any relationship will go the distance to death. No one gets a guarantee. You just do your best to love each other.



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11 Jan 2011, 3:26 pm

Brainiac5 wrote:
Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?

I'm still friends with both of my exes and still think of the relationships as positive ones. We were very close and we spent a lot of our time together. I think that ultimately, with both relationships, what it came down to is that I was too sick. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well as depression and anxiety, plus mild AS. I couldn't go out and do a lot of stuff. I was kind of a drag, though it was through no fault of my own. I also have hypersensitive skin and often couldn't stand to be touched, which is a big deal for most men (i.e. sex).

Now I'm in a difficult position because I am older, and I rarely get out to see anyone, so the possibility of finding another relationship seems remote, and for me that's very scary.



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11 Jan 2011, 3:36 pm

bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?

I'm still friends with both of my exes and still think of the relationships as positive ones. We were very close and we spent a lot of our time together. I think that ultimately, with both relationships, what it came down to is that I was too sick. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well as depression and anxiety, plus mild AS. I couldn't go out and do a lot of stuff. I was kind of a drag, though it was through no fault of my own. I also have hypersensitive skin and often couldn't stand to be touched, which is a big deal for most men (i.e. sex).

Now I'm in a difficult position because I am older, and I rarely get out to see anyone, so the possibility of finding another relationship seems remote, and for me that's very scary.


Well, so much of the coon excuse "if we date, we couldn't go back to being friends."

But who knows, you might even get back with one of your exes as they get a little older and they're priorities change.



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11 Jan 2011, 5:39 pm

Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?

I'm still friends with both of my exes and still think of the relationships as positive ones. We were very close and we spent a lot of our time together. I think that ultimately, with both relationships, what it came down to is that I was too sick. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well as depression and anxiety, plus mild AS. I couldn't go out and do a lot of stuff. I was kind of a drag, though it was through no fault of my own. I also have hypersensitive skin and often couldn't stand to be touched, which is a big deal for most men (i.e. sex).

Now I'm in a difficult position because I am older, and I rarely get out to see anyone, so the possibility of finding another relationship seems remote, and for me that's very scary.


Well, so much of the coon excuse "if we date, we couldn't go back to being friends."

But who knows, you might even get back with one of your exes as they get a little older and they're priorities change.

Well, thanks for saying that, but one is married and the other has a gf.

(What is a "coon excuse?")



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11 Jan 2011, 11:24 pm

bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
Brainiac5 wrote:
Okay, so to people that have had long term positive relationships that have ended, why is that? Is the relationship is positive and you were together for 10+ years, what went wrong? And do you still think of the experience as a positive one?

I'm still friends with both of my exes and still think of the relationships as positive ones. We were very close and we spent a lot of our time together. I think that ultimately, with both relationships, what it came down to is that I was too sick. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well as depression and anxiety, plus mild AS. I couldn't go out and do a lot of stuff. I was kind of a drag, though it was through no fault of my own. I also have hypersensitive skin and often couldn't stand to be touched, which is a big deal for most men (i.e. sex).

Now I'm in a difficult position because I am older, and I rarely get out to see anyone, so the possibility of finding another relationship seems remote, and for me that's very scary.


Well, so much of the coon excuse "if we date, we couldn't go back to being friends."

But who knows, you might even get back with one of your exes as they get a little older and they're priorities change.

Well, thanks for saying that, but one is married and the other has a gf.

(What is a "coon excuse?")


A coon excuse" is what you get when the M are your keyboard doesn't work.



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12 Jan 2011, 1:37 am

Brainiac5 wrote:
bee33 wrote:
(What is a "coon excuse?")


A coon excuse" is what you get when the M are your keyboard doesn't work.
:) Okay, got it.