sexual bullying, harassment and entitlement

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i'm going through a rough patch.
maybe this post belongs in the haven.

i just need help. i need answers. i need someone with a thorough wisdom of nonverbal behavior and relationships to tell me why this keeps happening to me.

i haven't been diagnosed with AS but i know for a fact that i'm "different", socially, and i'm not even aware of other people's intentions most of the time until it's too late.

since guys were old enough to get erections in class, i've been a target of sexual harassment. in 7th grade, some boy wrote me a love note and i later discovered that his intent was to sleep with me. (but don't worry, i rejected him anyway) in 8th grade, guys were always coming up to me to make small talk, and then they'd make some sexual comment and/or try to feel me up.
the worst experience i had with sexual harassment was with this one kid, "B", who would sit next to me on the bus and start grabbing me. He even choked me once. He'd follow me around on campus and harrass me too. And at the time I just let it happen because I didnt even know it was wrong! I have no role models or any supportive family to speak of. I mean I've got my parents but they are both mentally ill/self absorbed and wouldn't take the time to teach me these things.
what i really don't get is why all these guys wanted sex from me. i'm not a pretty girl. in fact, a lot of guys also called me ugly during those years. i don't even have big breasts. but somehow i was "the girl who would say yes" (probably due to some nonverbal behavioral defect.)

In 9th grade, I met a 25 year old man who convinced me to give him head on the first day we hung out. And i actually did it. He started picking me up every weekend to "hang out". he'd treat me like i was special for the time being, but tell his friends I was "ugly/boring" and "terrible at it".

This pattern of abuse only continued and worsened. I finally learned that the "boyfriends" i had during my teen years actually hated me and were only using me for sex. None of this really hit me until I was 18, which resulted in a violent, convulsive nervous breakdown. I had to be hospitalized.

At 19, I thought I had it figured out. I learned not to respond to sexual insinuations. I learned to ditch guys who made me feel bad about myself but somehow it wasn't enough. I joined okcupid to find local dates. I met about 8 guys in the last year or so, and every single one of them decided almost instantaneously that they didn't want anything serious with me. They'd feign interest until they got a little too careless and made it obvious that they didn't like me. I had to read a few self-help books to figure out what guys do when they don't actually care.

I don't understand why all these men decide so quickly that i'm an "easy target". i'm not even pretty! and, i don't even tell them i have low self esteem.
could this be an eye contact/nonverbal issue??
i mean what is going on? i'm in a crisis.

One thing I can tell you, you're probably nice looking. Many times I've gotten hostile reactions from males who I've rejected and one said I was ugly to me.

About the self esteem, your body language tells people where you're at as regards this. I have to go but I will say more later.

Last edited by LostAlien on 16 Jan 2011, 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you have low self esteem, NTs probably have some way of knowing it, and some instinctual notion that you will therefore be "easy" thinking that thats the only way you will ever get Love, they know confident girls will just tell them to take a hike, so yes, I think they think your an easy lay.

Though Iam male, I know people have thought I would be a pushover due to some signals I must be giving out, they get most irrate when they find out Iam not and am actually tougher than them.

I think the sort of guys who go on dating sites, a lot of them are probably looking for easy sex and maybe they assume therefore that you are.

What sort of man are you looking for?, if you want a nice gentle sort of bloke maybe you should find out where they hang out and get to know them in a natural kind of way.

I really don't understand you OP.

Last week you was moaning that you couldn't attract a guy 'emotionally' and admitted to messing guys around. (ignoring their calls, pretending you only want to be friends with them)

Then you resort to gender bashing, claiming that men don't care without even acknowledging your own faults (the above)

Now you are complaining about having been harassed almost your entire life.

Now whilst no one should have to deal with being sexually harassed, it seems you are not happy when you don't get the attention, then you still aren't happy when you do get any attention (by pushing away the ones who do seem genuinely interested in you)

It really sounds to me, like you don't even know what you want.

Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 15 Jan 2011, 3:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Pretend to be confident, eventually it will come naturally. You don't need to tell guys you have low self esteem. Sometimes its pretty easy to pick up on. I'm a guy so saying the following thing is going against by d**k but flowing with my rational intellgence; don't "get with" older guys and if you do you better make sure there sincere (which is unfortunately hard for us with ASD at times). Also don't get all physical with a guy for a bit...if I was with a girl and she gave me any sexual cues or even advancements I would probably assume what she was after. Well that's my 0.02cents....if you have any further questions just private message me

I can't tell u how many times I've experienced this. All my life I've been abused, used and taken advantage of. While I haven't officially been diagnosed yet, I am just learning now the reason why I never saw it coming is likely AS. I also never really thought of myself as having low self-esteem (quite the opposite in fact), but maybe I was wrong, and those abusive men could sense it or something. I've been harassed and assaulted by my bosses, coworkers, 'friends', strangers...seems like everyone's had a grab at ol' Angie...the most saddening and embarrassing thing is that for a very long time, I let it happen because while I may have been screaming for help inside my head, I could never translate that into how to save myself from a situation.

Sadly, I've experienced some very disturbing sexual harassment from a member here, just last night in which this pig left me 4 different PMs describing various disgusting things in relation to a response I posted to a topic they had posted. Fortunately, the person has been banned for 'being a troll' (what does this even mean?), but unfortunately, I cannot unread those sick messages. Nor can I block or protect myself from receiving such messages in the future, which I personally find disgusting. As most of us know, women with AS are more at risk of being targeted by predators than 'normal' women, and I just proved it here! I find that I lack the ability to know one's true intentions, and that has put me in many very dangerous situations, where I am lucky to have survived. I am intensely saddened that there is nothing on this forum that will protect it's members from other members if needed. My only option is to leave this forum because now I am reluctant to post ANYTHING in relation to a male poster/thread, as I cannot protect myself from being targeted again. What a shame, because I really enjoyed coming around here. I would really like to press charges against this person, but I will likely not be able to find out their true identity...I hate the anonymity of the internet sometimes. I have a feeling (based on their username) that they are fairly close to my city, and I would much like to teach this person that you can't treat people like this, but I probably will never get justice in this case of harassment either.

I am often left wondering: am I destined to keep repeating history, and when will there be justice for me?
I'm sorry u have to experience this also. I wish I had some advice for us!

A big issue here is perception. It's not sexual harrassment to write someone a love letter in high school, or to makes small talk with you. Trying to feel you up, that's probably harassment.

You have a victim mentality, and that attracts all the wrong people and makes you misinterpret innocent social interactions.

I say you have a victim mentality because you're painting with broad strokes here. I doubt "all" of your boyfriends in high school "hated" you. A nervous breakdown is not the time when people have the best insights and epiphanies.

Maybe you are not very nice and have annoying habits. You are trapped in this paranoid little world where men are all out to get you, but men are people too, people with feelings and hopes and dreams.

Deal with each situation on its own merits. If a guy hits on you you are the one with the power. It's not evil that men want sex, you can say "no" and maybe they will not be happy about it but it's not the end of the world.

I probably sound like I'm harshly criticizing you, but my point is just you need to look at events and let go of your biases. Look at how your own behavior and beliefs has led to your experiences, look at it factually and logically, and don't think of it in terms of shame and guilt and blame.

The past is the past, if someone is bothering you now then focus on how to handle them in an empowered and rational manner. Don't assume situations are just a repeat of past bad situations, instead look closely at the facts and details of the current situation.

Damn that was intelligent I wish I had commented on that part but your 100% right. I know a girl like you described, at first when she told me her life story and everything bad I felt the need to help her but then she constantly complained about how all guys were out to get her all the while not making improvements to some character flaws/confidence that was causing that and still hooking up with idiots that shouldn't even have penises (well the latter is perhaps harsh but I prefer the intelligent to procreate). But yes I think the ending of your post is definately important and I think everyone can take from it...its like you got into a car accident...it doesn't mean everytime you get in a car you'll crash, you might have some anxiety but its irrational and will go away with a little bit of courage.

you seem to be the only replier so far who really understands what this is like. i think the guys who replied to this sense my hostility and resentment of the opposite sex and misinterpret it as a "victim mentality" and other such nonsense. i have done everything i can to prevent this abuse from happening again, while trying my best to remain friendly and understanding toward the opposite sex. for people who have actually gone through this... being used up, being reduced to something less than animal (because most people wouldn't even do this stuff to a dog)... is extremely damaging to the psyche and of course there will be animosity and paranoia.

Same here.
Men take advantage sexually all the time (or used to when I was single/younger)

Probably not the best advice (if it can be called that) but I found a nice NT to protect me from it all basically.

Before him, I just took it all thinking it was normal. It was the biggest shock ever to realise it was abuse, not just what happened to everyone.

Not enough information, but it probably is your body language.

I only skimmed through your post, so did you say that you knew most of them well or did they ask you out immediately after they saw you?



The love letter was written by a boy who wanted to sleep with her, and she was grabbed and choked on the bus.

The choking wasn't sexually harassment technically, but that was something.

Well, it can be something that is hard to imagine. You can only truly understand if u've been there IMO. No one who is 'on the outside' will ever really be able to know just how traumatizing it is for the mind, body and soul. I wish I didn't know.
I don't blame u if u have hostility for guys...I did too. I do everytime it happens to me, and I swear that no one else will ever hurt me like that again...but I don't really know how to prevent it, and ultimately history repeats. I'm hoping that I can learn how to better 'read' people's intentions, but I don't know if this is possible or not...
I don't find u to have a victim mentality. Maybe those guys are just confusing it with not being so embarrassed and shamed into silence. Just because u stand up to say it has happened to u, doesn't mean u think all men are out to get u! However, bad people can sense trust, naivety, innocence, whatever u wish to label it, and they use their knowledge to exploit us. I still have to try hard to not let my past cloud my perception of someone, and I wish that I could be more guarded when first meeting someone so that I don't trust so easily, but it's hard. Especially when u've experienced constant suffering and abuse at the hands of various men...that's where the paranoia comes in. I get it. I almost turned down a job because the boss was a man and I was scared of finding myself in the same situation as I have before. But, I accepted the position and my boss (now ex-employer) turned out to be a very kind and decent man and I'm glad I took a chance and confirmed my knowledge that they're not all bad...

I too thought it was normal. If u think that's shocking, u should've seen what I thought a normal marriage was like!
I was like emlion too and had an NT, but he was defective, so I sent him back! He never protected me...in fact, all of his friends has assaulted me on one occasion or another, and he thought it was funny, and didn't think that it bothered me...
So, instead, I went back to my (suspected) Aspie man, and he's been shielding me in his big strong arms since! I am serious when I say that I do not leave the house without him if I don't have to. However, like last night, there are instances where he cannot save me...

This is definitely something I plan on discussing with my therapist, as I really need to learn how to prevent this from happening to me. I am in charge of my own safety, and I have to find a way to protect myself. And then, I need to learn how to save myself in case I find that I'm in the middle of this kind of situation again.

Oh, and the choking was straight-up physical assault with some sexual assault (the grabbing/groping) added to the horrific event...I would've pressed charges. I say that now of course, but there were plenty of instances where that didn't even occur to me...madbirdgirl, u can PM me if u ever need to talk about it. I know how difficult it can be to deal with this type of thing when no one knows what it's really like.

I have had many experiences of guys doing things they shouldn't but I was lucky, before I even reached puberty my parents always said that I am intitled to say no as regards anything with my body and sex was supposed to be about love (and that I shouldn't have sex until I was in love and loved).

I've been told that I was ugly too but I'm actually pretty (I'm not being arrogant). So that's why I've said you're probably pretty. Pretty + low self esteem = nasty guys saying stuff to increase low self esteem.

I have had many experiences with guys touching me inappropriately and me saying no and them trying more and then me hitting them really hard. They then acting as if I was a bad person because I said no and stood up for myself.

Now there are some things that can be done to help you look more confident as other posters have mentioned. Standing up straight, shoulders back and head up can give a good posture and show confidence. Doing a martial art can also help with actual confidence as well, also they teach you how to walk (confidently) in some styles. I'm really out of practice but I still walk the way I was taught, they don't say "walk this way" it's just the moves become automatic with practice. Also talking about this with someone you can trust helps.

Some guys can be awful and it's easy to believe they're all like that but there are nice guys and I'm sure that when you feel better about yourself one will find you. When you feel better about yourself the nasty guys will be less lightly to try things. Also, bad guys will use your bad feelings against you.

Remember your body is yours, it is yours to do with as you want, you have every right to say no and you have every right to a healthy loving relationship. Perhaps to be counsiled may help, perhaps someone specialising in abuse so they can help you understand this kind of stuff better.

I had NT's before this one, and I sent them back too! (well in all honesty, they sent me back after they got sick of using me as punching bag.)

Same here. I don't like to be away from my boyfriend, although i'm okay at work, I actually like the people there!

I talk about the same thing to my therapist, she's really helped me. I'm taking baby steps but i'm getting there.

Some of these things happened to me. I never had any 'boyfriends' as a teenager, but they did all that pretending to like me so they could harass me. Also, my older male cousin would do things like choke me and lock me up and rub my face against a concrete floor and hit me with a belt and tell me I was going to die. He did it for the same reason the sexual abusers would feel me up or try to get me to give them head (I said no, thank goodness) because they could. That's not really sexual abuse but I have problems with trusting men. Even find it hard to always trust my wonderful, gentle Aspie boyfriend. He can't protect me, but he gives me more hope of protecting myself. Just being around someone so accepting and loving makes me stronger. However, I'm still so hurt by my past that I'm actually crying as I type this.

It feels good though. I've been releasing a lot of negative emotions lately. I can't carry them around any more. I have the rest of my life to live, and so do you. Don't try to ignore how you feel, and don't lose hope.

puddingmouse has a point here. Releasing these moments will help us all to deal and move forward. We can't live in the past, but we can learn how to protect ourselves in the future. I don't know how to spot a predator, but that is something I want to learn with the help of my therapist. Only then will I truly have all the tools I need to protect myself. Until then, I will seek out those with similar experiences so that we can draw from one another and learn how to better handle these situations. While I would never wish this kind of thing to happen to anyone, it does give me some comfort to know that I'm not alone, and that there are people who understand and are willing to be supportive thru the times when I don't trust men or I'm afraid without making me feel bad about myself...(u brought it on urself, u led him on, u asked for it, etc.)

*hugs* puddingmouse. I'm sorry u cried whilst writing that. I find my emotions all too close to the surface when I'm discussing this topic also. It's hard not to when there is so much hurt, that at some point, some of it is gonna leak out whether u mean it to or not.