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Jaejoongfangirl
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29 Jan 2011, 9:17 pm

You know how, as a kid, it's drilled into your head to not talk to strangers? A good rule for kids to have - helps keep them out of trouble.

But when you get older...
Well, I'm starting to realize now that almost everyone everyone in the world is a stranger. It's impossible and not advisable to not talk to them. (so many negatives in the sentence, sorry)
Now, on my own, I'm realizing that there are different classes of strangers: Ones that seem friendly, ones that are kinda creepy, ones that can get you places in the world... And I have no clue who is who. But I have to make that distinction all the time. No formal transition from childhood, no class to teach me how to do this, no rules to follow. But it's just a required skill now - the old "rule" doesn't apply at all any more. How do people do this?

One of the hardest (but most crucial) places for me to make this judgement is on the romantic front. Most guys that (at least the ones that I notice, the not-so-subtle ones) flirt with me are strangers - meaning that I've never met them and we have no mutual friends. The only reason they could possibly want to talk to me is for my appearance. Which is a compliment, I suppose. But still, it just makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if that's weird or normal. I just know nothing about them, y'know?

I feel like the only "safe" scenario is being introduced by a mutual friend or meeting at some gathering of some sort. But isn't that kind of restrictive? There goes 99.99999% of the population. Why should I have to rely on others in order to meet someone for me?
But I do feel uneasy (and not very confident) judging the other person as soon as I meet them. I'd feel weird without having them "screened" by my friends before I do something with them alone.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm behaving cautiously or being paranoid. I also dunno if I'm just still hung up on the stranger-danger thing from when I was a kid.

All I know is that I'm lonely and yet I still feel obligated to turn down quite a few obviously interested guys in the interest of safety. ):



LittleTigger
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30 Jan 2011, 1:13 am

I'm from the 1970s and my dad brought me
up not to talk to strangers and when I lapsed
on this, Dad was proven right two or three
times.

I no longer trust strangers at all.


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Wombat
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30 Jan 2011, 5:28 am

Back in the Elizabethan or Edwardian era up until 1910 or so, one would not speak to another person unless they were formally introduced by a mutual acquaintance.

Then came the "roaring 20's" when women wore short "flapper" dresses, drank, smoked and rode around in cars with strange men.

Gee, I wonder which method led to suitable marriages?



League_Girl
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30 Jan 2011, 11:46 am

I never understood the "Never talk to strangers" rule as a kid because I thought it was stupid. If you can't talk to stangers, you will never make new friends or ask for help, or even talk to your teachers or employees.

They are all strangers because you sure don't know them until you get to know them and the only way to know them is talking to them. You even have to ask a stranger for help too and a store employee or police officer are strangers because you don't know them.


Now as an adult I see people really need to be careful when they teach kids this because they may never ask for help if they get lost or if someone tries to snatch them, they may never run to another stranger crying for help. They may ignore their own neighbors because they are strangers. They need to teach them the gray area since kids tend to be black and white.


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menintights
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30 Jan 2011, 12:28 pm

Jaejoongfangirl wrote:
All I know is that I'm lonely and yet I still feel obligated to turn down quite a few obviously interested guys in the interest of safety. ):


As in people you know from real life or from the internet? You don't have to turn down someone you sort of know in real life (as in you don't know his full name but you know where he works or where he regularly hangs out), but I would still make sure to stay in public places until I knew more about him. As for people you know only for the internet, you can never be too careful about meeting them. This is true for almost anyone, but especially true for a girl with AS and who describes herself as "lonely." Plenty of men on dating websites prey on girls like you, and it is in your best interest to avoid seemingly nice guys who are interested in you because they think you're pretty.



TheWeirdPig
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30 Jan 2011, 12:40 pm

This "don't talk to strangers" thing is just another one of those things that you are taught as a child that doesn't apply yo you as an adult. It's taught to you for your protection. The problem is that it changes as you grow up. Unfortunately, nobody ever tells you the rules have changed when you are in early adolescence. So you use a rule you learned as a child as an adult, but it no longer serve you well.



League_Girl
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30 Jan 2011, 1:58 pm

I think I took the "Never talk to strangers" thing too literal as a child so therefore I never listened to it. I thought it applied to everyone but I would see my mom breaking that rule all the time and I just knew that rule was stupid. Back then when someone made rules I thought it applied to everyone and when I would see someone not following it, it would confuse me. No wonder I had a hard time following the rules. :roll:


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KenM
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30 Jan 2011, 2:20 pm

Back in high school, I was walking home from the bus. A much younger kid in like the 3rd or 4th grade rode up to me on his bike and said "Are you a stranger, because if you are a stranger I'm not suposted to talk to you. "



emlion
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30 Jan 2011, 7:19 pm

I find it easier to talk to complete strangers than people I know sometimes.



Jaejoongfangirl
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31 Jan 2011, 12:54 pm

menintights wrote:
Jaejoongfangirl wrote:
All I know is that I'm lonely and yet I still feel obligated to turn down quite a few obviously interested guys in the interest of safety. ):


As in people you know from real life or from the internet? You don't have to turn down someone you sort of know in real life (as in you don't know his full name but you know where he works or where he regularly hangs out), but I would still make sure to stay in public places until I knew more about him. As for people you know only for the internet, you can never be too careful about meeting them. This is true for almost anyone, but especially true for a girl with AS and who describes herself as "lonely." Plenty of men on dating websites prey on girls like you, and it is in your best interest to avoid seemingly nice guys who are interested in you because they think you're pretty.

I don't like online dating at all. I tried it for a couple weeks and it was just... Not for me. Not yet, at least. Maybe when I'm out of college. I don't like trying to sell myself and a relationship is really not at the top of my priority list right now.
Plus, honestly, I don't think I have enough experience to know what sort of person I'm looking for yet. I feel sort of like I'm not educated enough to make that call for myself yet - real life or online. Does that make any sense at all... ?

I am lonely but not at all desperate. I am a very happy, confident, optimistic person. But just because I am content being single doesn't mean that I'm not open to dating - it would be a nice change is all. I think can admit to feeling lonely without necessarily implying that I'm desperate or unhappy, overall.


I just never dated at all in highschool so I don't really have any experience in that area. I think the issue is that I'm hesitant to try dating for the first time outside of my comfort zone with someone that I do not know at all. I'd like to know what to expect and just to, you know, have some idea of what this other person expects of me and an idea of what I'm comfortable with in a relationship context - But because of my inexperience I just have no frame of reference.
I wish I could just take some kind of tutorial to just take the uncertainty out of the dating scene. :lol:

I'm good with people until I realize that they are interested in me or find me attractive. After that I tend to clam up and get nervous and they take this sudden change in my demeanor as meaning that I'm not interested in them at all. I'm actually just very nervous since I have no idea what to do. I think that's probably why I've been explicitly "asked out" by (mostly) strangers.
Well, that or my appearance is the most attractive thing about me... But I refuse to believe that and I'm gonna stop trying to rationalize now.