Asymmetry in Aspie-NT relationships

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It seems to be an unexamined assumption in AS-NT relationships that the primary challenge is getting the Aspie half to be more NT-like in their daily social functioning.

This can often result in a relationship that is more "parent-child" than a healthy "adult-adult" dynamic.

In my case, it has gotten so bad that I needed to "split" in order to restore some semblance of self-esteem.

So I was thinking about ways to make an NT more Aspie-like:

- Learn to cultivate and appreciate more "me" time. Rather than expect to live and report every mundane detail about your life, try to maintain some sort of individual identity - have "outside" friends and hobbies that function like AS special interests. Maybe it really isn't so important to spend your entire life with a mobile phone stuck to your ear telling someone else what you had for lunch...

- Rather than trying to bring the Aspie "out of his/her shell", why don't you try climbing into it for a change? The relative merits of different models of blenders can really be interesting

Of course I was exaggerating on the last point, but seeing something with the intensity and focus of many Aspies in some more "conventional" subject, like nature can really help you to appreciate some things you might have overlooked that are really quite beautiful, with the added benefit of bonding with your Aspie.

I'm sure there's lots of other things that can be done along these lines, but I really don't have enough relationship experience to describe them.

I agree, I think any relationship requires give and take from both sides. Aspie - NT relationships can work out quite well I think if both sides are willing to compromise. That being said, I had to end my most recent relationship last night but at least we gave it our best shot.

Hi...

This is my first post on WP... Is symmetry possible? I married a year ago. My NT wife was temporarily not emotionally healthy, on the rebound when we married. I am frustrated in her ability to deal with things rationally under stress. I'm open for change as long as the method works with my Aspie abilities.

Max

Grisha, You have a good point and you explain why my relationship works and is successful to a large degree.
Basically I have my time for alone time and focus on my interests. Basically time apart. We have seperate things we are into. This does not mean the relationship is static.

The downside is I can see this working more for a female aspie than a male one. Most women usually drive social interactions, which tend to be quite extensive. It is easier for me to limit social interactions. My boyfriend is very social and things he plans add up quick, but it is probably easier for me to guide things when I need to be in my shell, or at least want to limit my activity to just him. The point being is to make those non-social nights enjoyable for the more social partner.

But you are describing why those who have successful relationships do have successful relationships. The key though is communicating our issues to our partners, which is not always easy, not everybody is that compromising and patient.

I think my NT looks after me in one way, but I look after him in another.

Making an NT act like an Aspie? That's just as stupid as NTs expecting us to act like them.