Playing the field

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OK, so many of you know that I recently changed my OK Cupid profile to explicitly and prominently mention my AS.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Lost-in-OC

I am pleased to report that it is working far beyond my expectations, I think it actually helped quite a bit.

But before you accuse me of bragging, I have to point out that I am still posting on WP quite regularly...

Be that as it may, I'm now in the situation where I am carrying on consistent conversations with 3 women with whom I am strongly likely to meet IRL, and a few others that are consistent, but less intense. My next date is on Thursday.

Now I find myself in the extremely unfamiliar position of potentially having to hurt someone. I really want to try meeting them all a few times before deciding to focus on one (assuming they don't run away terrified when we meet in person). But I have a tendency to "rush" things quite a bit under the toxic influence of testosterone and I am afraid I will just end up being with the first woman who lets me kiss her before I get a chance to see what the others are like.

What are the "rules" in this sort of situation? What can I honorably/excusably do when dating more than one woman at a time?

Any advice would be deeply appreciated

(I can't believe i'm this socially immature at my age)

From what you have posted the choices you should make are simple.

Don't Drink on any of the Dates
Don't Kiss any of them until you have made a decision on one.

Seems simple enough once you have picked one you can do all the kissing and drinking you want.

Just be honest. You're not sure if they're who you want to date, and you don't think it would be fair to them or you if you tried to jump into a relationship before you knew them better.

Make sure they know that they're not the only one that you're meeting with. Perhaps try and get their opinion on what they're comfortable with.

Personally, I think it would be best to make friends with them, with the explicit understanding that it might go further than that.

what he/she said. I think for the first date with each woman, aim for being friendly in a getting to know them non-threatening way - avoid any kissing. I think it's good not to seem too eager or desperate anyway, coming across as more easy going and laid back - giving out a "I don't mind whether this goes further or not, I'm interested in getting to know you as a friend first and foremost, and I enjoy your company for the sake of it" vibe can make you seem more attractive to a woman.

I think after you've had one date with each woman, then you can make a choice and proceed further with the one, if any, of them you feel most attracted to.

Have you ever heard of the television show called "The Pickup Artist"? It's mainly aimed at picking up women in bars for one night stands, not the more serious stuff, but some of the advice regarding conversation topics and body language is useful. I think DHV's can really work when used subtly (demonstrations of higher value), basically say stuff about yourself that gives you value in her eyes, for example indicators that you are intelligent, adventurous, financially stable, etc. (whatever pertains to your strong points - these are guesses I made from when I read the profile link you posted on WP a while back, you don't need to lie, just enhance your good qualities).

Advice from me personally is to keep up interesting conversation on your side as well as hers (VERY important - so many guys ask me endless questions about me, which works to a small extent and can be flattering, but they say nothing on their own behalf without prompting, so I write them off as boring), while being very attentive to make sure when she wants to talk you don't override her and you allow her space to talk.

I'm not sure whether being honest about this or not is a good idea... I think being directly dishonest is a bad idea, but I think only bring it up/mention it if you have to, but be very diplomatic in the way you explain it if put on the spot. It's likely the women may have other dates themselves also, and if this is the case it's probably fine for you to have other dates arranged too. But I think in regard to this point proceed with caution, and again only mention it if you have to because I'm not sure of the social or cultural rules regarding this.

I feel that, in this case, it might be considered a lie by omission.

i think the best thing to do is let them all know that you arent exclusively seeing them before you meet them, tell them its a first date and you will see how you go from there etc. Thats what i did when i was online dating just said upfront that i wasnt sure what i was after and therefore wasn't exclusivley talking to or seeing the one person. of course this is not a long term thing by why limit who you are meeting just because you are talking to one person who might not turn out to be someone your wanting to be with IYKWIM

Thanks everyone for the comments!

As far as the "DHVs" go, I pretty much edited them all out of my profile based on feedback I got here on L&D, or at least toned them way down. I think I have a tendency to over-emphasize them because I think I'm "worthless" without them, but in reality it comes across as bragging. Anyway, it usually comes out in the normal course of conversation: What do you do for a living? etc...

It's funny, I have a tendency to go on and on about myself without asking my date enough questions - maybe you should try dating an Aspie guy?

Yeah... true, there's nothing worse than an overstated DHV. If you can't do it right, I guess don't do it. I think your updated profile did have scattered appropriately subtle DHV's, and hints of further DHV's also, plus it exuded confidence and high self esteem in being accepting and proud of who you are as a person, which would increase responses. I'm almost tempted to reread it and take it apart textbook style (I'm a psychology student).

Regarding dating an aspie, been there, done that, it was disastrous, doesn't mean I wouldn't try again or discriminate against future aspies though. I try to keep an open mind, and try dating anyone I find romantic connection and compatibility with. My issues with dating are not quite the same issues with dating most aspies have here, so I often refrain from discussing them directtly. In short though, I am able to attract guys, and have guys want to date/stay with me, but I am emotionally unstable and can't feel attracted to hardly anyone. The last guy I dated was able to match me intellectually (a rare thing), but my emotional instability got out of hand, especially considering the crazy hours he kept (he was a business person and entrepreneur, and going 30 hours without sleep, or visiting me at 2am in the morning was standard procedure for him), and there were other incompatibility issues unfortunately. But I find that mentally I run rings around most guys I meet, and I don't like being in that position as it makes me feel distant and cold, and disconnect from them. I'm not trying to be boastful or presumptuous here, it's just how things have always been for me.

Firstly, I am happy with the string of dates you've been getting and will get. I'm excited for you!

I agree with Nerdykid. You have identified your weakness and so must avoid kissing anyone lest you fall under that testosterone influence. I would only kiss the woman you want to be in an exclusive relationship with (assuming what you're looking for is a long term exclusive relationship). In your case, you must not kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your princess. Of course, this involves going out on a few more dates with women who interest you in every which way.

I think everybody who joins a dating site know that they will not meet THE ONE on the first date and are probably in the same boat as you of going on dates with various people. What I'm saying is that there's not even a need to explain to your dates (explicit or implicit) that you're playing the field for now. I think I would find it insulting if you told me on our first date, even if casually, something like, "Oh yeah, in fact, I have another date lined up tomorrow." What a date-sinker. It's none of anyone's business what you do with the rest of your time. What is important is that you are in the present with her and that you respect her enough that your attention is focused solely on her.

Don't get caught up in the dizzying world of online dating. I know two people who took a long time to get settled into a relationship because they would always think, "Yeah, he/she is great and all, but what if there's someone else better. Better keep looking."

In answer to your concern of potentially having to hurt someone, I think there's less chance of people being hurt and/or bouncing back from something they hoped would work out if you don't become sexually involved with each other. Sex plays a really big part in the picture.

So yes, I would suggest going on a few dates with the women you mentioned and eventually narrowing it down to the one who thinks the world of you and you of her. Think about it, Grisha, you might actually be in the opposite position of having to turn people down for future dates for a change.

All the best.

OK, you cannot make assumptions like that with people. Don't tell them on the date, but don't go into the date without them knowing.

[quote="Grisha"]OK, so many of you know that I recently changed my OK Cupid profile to explicitly and prominently mention my AS.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Lost-in-OC

I am pleased to report that it is working far beyond my expectations, I think it actually helped quite a bit.

But before you accuse me of bragging, I have to point out that I am still posting on WP quite regularly...

Be that as it may, I'm now in the situation where I am carrying on consistent conversations with 3 women with whom I am strongly likely to meet IRL, and a few others that are consistent, but less intense. My next date is on Thursday.

Now I find myself in the extremely unfamiliar position of potentially having to hurt someone. I really want to try meeting them all a few times before deciding to focus on one (assuming they don't run away terrified when we meet in person). But I have a tendency to "rush" things quite a bit under the toxic influence of testosterone and I am afraid I will just end up being with the first woman who lets me kiss her before I get a chance to see what the others are like.

What are the "rules" in this sort of situation? What can I honorably/excusably do when dating more than one woman at a time?

Any advice would be deeply appreciated

Grisha,

I am so thrilled that you are getting good feedback and quality dates/viable romantic matches!! Way to Go Grisha!! ! OHHHHHHHHHHHH
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! ! LOL!! !

I think your candor in revealing your AS on your profile is the right way to go. I wish my ex boyfriend Harry who I met on Yahoo Personals last year had told me the truth about him being an Aspie (he told me two months into the relationship). Being that I am an NT,
I was baffled sometimes.

Overall, I think your profile write up is absolutely superb. You are direct and give enough details about your personality, interests, abilities and attitudes while still holding back enough so as to make women want to get to more about you! A little mystery and enigma can go a long way in arousing interest about you!

The only suggestion I have is this: please consider posting the picture from your WP profile avatar photo because it is a great photo! I like the expression on your face and the highlights in your hair are really good! The expression on your face looks like you are saying - " I am having the time of my life soaking up the sun - please come join me!" I would leave the main photo you have on OKCupid intact because your blue eyes are stunning!!

As to meeting all four - I think you owe it to yourself to do it! One's attitudes toward dating versus seeing someone is a personal, private matter. Personally, it's been my personal experience that you are only "seeing" someone if you are going on dates and you have not agreed to date exclusively (which is only the case when both parties verbally agree to do so). In essence, if you see all four women casually then you are not cheating. All you are doing is getting to know the women to see which one is the right fit for you! Actually, because you are a handsome, intelligent cool guy I think it would be unfair if you did not go on dates with all of them!

Keep us posted on your progress Casanova!

Leslie

My understanding has always been that if certain boundaries haven't been crossed, it's perfectly fine to "play the field" as you say. What these boundaries are vary somewhat. Some girls think nothing of casual makeouts, and some are even into casual sex. Usually, however, if you don't make a move to get physical, it will be taken as meaning you're in the "still friends" area. Be aware, if you take too long making up your mind they may get tired of waiting. If you don't make a move until you've decided which one you want to pursue romantically, you should be fairly safe. They may be disappointed, but they won't be heartbroken or upset because you were gentlemanly about it.

As for the disclosure of AS results, I am not totally shocked. People are thinking creatures, and when they see something that doesn't make sense, they look for an explanation. Most people aren't psychologists and don't know about AS, so they may think we're sociopaths or disturbed, or it might be that there's something they can't put their finger on but doesn't feel quite right and have a natural fear of what they don't understand. Telling people you have AS gives them an explanation. It gives context for interpreting things that they'd otherwise have to guess at. Further, as humans we're taught from a young age to have sympathy and compassion for those who have birth defects or other disabilities. I suspect there's an element of that as well.

As to your first point, I can easily see myself falling into that trap. I am regularly corresponding with 5-6 women right now (I can't even keep track) including one in Canada and one in the UK. I have stopped messaging, or even looking at, new ones. It's very difficult to keep a grip on reality, it really is "dizzying", and perhaps somewhat addictive. I'm making a concerted effort to get my feet back on the ground.

As to your second point, I will certainly try to avoid kissing, much less sex. It may be very difficult to do when I'm in the actual situation, though.

I think I really need to just settle down with someone soon, I feel like I'm in WAY over my head here...

Well here's a new twist.

Just got back from my latest date, really great girl, made me feel really comfortable, I definitely want to see her again.

We're saying goodbye and she kisses me! On the lips.

I kind of deflected it to my cheek because I promised not to kiss anyone until I have made a decision who to date long-term.

Did I do the right thing? She seemed not to mind too much...

Hhmmm, this is a toughie. I was running scenarios of what must have been going through her head with the aborted lip-kiss.

Essentially, it boils down to this. If you ask her out on a second date and she accepts, then she is probably okay with what happened. I mean, if you didn't like her, you wouldn't ask her out again, right? I would look at the bigger picture and think that you probably have your reasons for not kissing on the lips. Seems fair enough.

I have more to say about this, but am constrained by time. Will come back later and see if there are any developments.

Bueno suerte!