So, I've tried online dating. I don't think it will help me.

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I joined OkCupid ~ a week ago. I've gotten many messages so far and I feel like I'd get along well with more than a few guys on there.

But the conversations I've had on there so far don't feel any different than any I've had in real life with guys. I'm not sure if online dating is for me at all.

I'm thinking about why I wanted join in the first place.
I joined because I'm not having any luck getting close with people in real life, but I don't think online dating will circumvent that issue. It's not because I'm too shy to meet people IRL, but instead that I am too shy to get to really know people, in any situation, online or off.

It's totally my fault too, i think, people do want to get to know me. They try, even I see it sometimes. I know that I'm pretty, interesting, funny, and smart. I'm also quite self-confident in most situations. I'm great at talking to people I do not know well - but I'm just awful at actually getting close to people and letting people get close to me for some reason.

Maybe I have major issues, maybe I'm just majorly inexperienced. I have no idea. I just really want to learn how to feel close to people.


I know that I tend to get very, very shy when others try to get closer to me. I know that it really confuses people, sends really, really mixed messages. The pulling away thing really makes both dating and making (close) friends extremely tough and I have no idea how to overcome it.

I'd love to be in a relationship, be able to share myself with someone. And I know that if I don't allow a relationship to get started, then one never will. Just... even if the perfect guy came along, I know that I would feel this same hesitance and I'd try to avoid it escalating into anything too personal, even if I got the chance to allow that to happen.

I could really use some advice. ):

Warn them ahead of time that if you seem to pull away it's not for lack of interest, and ask for their patience.

Try to force yourself - tell someone something private about yourself, maybe once a week, until it starts to feel more natural? That might help you get used to it, and build trust with the people you like.

Thanks for the advice!
But why would I warn someone before I even know if they're interested? I'm talking about real life, face to face here by the way; I'm so uncertain about the complications of the online thing that I'm thinking of dropping it all together.


I mean, I'm not even sure if I pick up on the signals right. I mean, I've noticed a few times when guys get randomly nervous around me or laugh just a little too hard at something I say that honestly just is not that clever... Also, sometimes the awkward hugs as greetings... I'm pretty sure that when these happen, they guy is interested. Pretty sure... Right? Or is there such a thing as a dude you hardly know giving you a platonic hello hug? Maybe he's just being friendly and I'm just being rude for not picking up on that/misinterpreting it... I have no clue...

But until (or even after) one of these 'obvious' things happens, I'm totally oblivious. I mean, I don't want to pick up on the small, but insignificant things and misread their interest in me. What if they just want to be friends and then I'm awkwardly thinking they want more? That seems so conceited...
But what has happened before is I have no clue they have any interest in me at all and then all of a sudden they ask me out - And I don't even know their name sometimes, which makes me feel just awful.

Plus I don't really know how to respond to the 'obvious' things without being totally awkward... Or just plain blunt if I am interested. Which is not exactly socially acceptable...

I know how to turn guys down, but I've never really encouraged someone before. I'd prefer to just ask a guy out, skip all this complicated 'not knowing what he's thinking' stuff at the beginning, but I suck at getting close to people in general so I don't think I could handle the responsibility of what happens if I do go out with someone... I'd just do it and then (if they do want to go out somewhere) be like, "Ok... What now?" Totally clueless.

I'd love some experience in a relationship so I can figure out how to do it right and take more control of this stuff/have more confidence in finding/starting a relationship.... But to get any experience I actually have to be in one first. How do I get into my first relationship without feeling like I'm using the other person for practice?

I'm probably approaching this in completely the wrong way.
Bah. Screw it. Maybe I'll just stay single forever. At this point, that sounds almost preferable.

The "randomly nervous" and "laugh just too hard" is a dead giveaway. The guy likes you. But remember, just because a guy is attracted to you doesn't always mean that he wants to go out with you.

The awkward hugs sound a bit creepy to me though. The guy probably is attracted to you, but it seems like a bit too much contact for a casual acquaintance.



Encouraging a guy is actually pretty easy. Listen to what he says and laugh at his jokes, no matter how lame they are. Make some sort of physical contact while you are talking. I don't mean grab him and hug him. That will just attract the wrong sort of guy. Just touch his wrist when you are trying to emphasize a point, or brush his arm when you say goodbye. Less is more, in this case. Too much will give the wrong impression. Don't pat his back. That just says "you're my buddy".

You don't have to ask him out, if you don't want to. If you can find any common interests that two people can do together, just let him know about them. If he is at all interested, he'll take the bait. Believe me, if he is interested, he is looking for some excuse to get to know you better.

Don't worry about using guys for practice, to learn dating skills. Just be honest, and don't mislead him about your feelings. Don't let it go on too long. If you want to cut off a relationship, then cut it off hard. Don't drag it out to make it easier. That just hurts worse in the long run.

...unless any of these guys have Asperger's themselves. I know I'd miss all of those.

True enough. A younger me would have missed some or all of those hints. I was simply addressing Jaejoongfangirl's concerns in a general way. If any of the guys that she might be interested in have AS, then that would have to be be handled as a special case.