Very frustrated after my last relationship. Need help.

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The women that I was with that I talked about here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... pic&t=6494

Really screwed me up. I have no intrest in finding anyone because of the games she played and all the mixed messages and I feel she screwed with me just to screw with me. How can i get past that to trust people again?

I just read what you posted, she was absolutely horrible. She played you. I can't believe her. Friends don't do that to friends. She's the one with the problem NOT YOU. You can find better on a bad day. Just take it slow thats all I can think to say, and really....she is totally wacked and not normal. Any women that would sleep next to a man in just panties and a t-shirt and say,"Oh we are just friends" give me a break.

"i had to break it off when i found out she was a heavy pot user"

are you sure that she did not want more time? maybe if you had kept it going for longer she would have changed a bit?

maybe she was just stoned...

Well we meet at the same job, we started talking hanging out as friends after a couple of months. We really hit it off as friends and grew closer. it was not until 8 months in she invited me to sleep in her bed, started kissing more, ect. I let that crap go on for almost a whole year without geting any. I woun't lie to you, I tryed, but she always pushed me away. I'm a little overweight and she said the reason she did not want to get closer was because of my health. If you don't want to get closer, don't invite me into your bed in the first place.

That is really bizzare that she would invite you to sleep with her but would stay n her paanties because "she did not want to get close". Paula is right this girl is not right, especially since she was using pot at her age.Take everything that happened between you and her with a grain of salt, she sounds really f****d up.

For what it's worth what happened to you also happens to many NTs in the dating game. Some people out there have intimacy problems and like to play games with other people's emotions.

She may not be able to help herself, from running hot and cold like she does. She may not even be fully conscious of it or not consider what the other person feels like a a result. Maybe she is a narcissist. Or in some other way thinks only of her own feelings.

Basically it's a numbers game. Out of any given pool of people there are a certain amount of selifsh ones, neurotic ones, problems with intimacy ones, and also nice ones, compassionate ones, considerate ones, etc. Everyone on earth must wade through that pool and sift through a number of different people - before finally finding that one person who will be good to them and who they can also love.

The thing about trust is... it should ideally be coupled with being alert. If they seem too contradictory or too insensitive to your feelings, or if they even say "I am known to be a real S.O.B. at times" (some people will say things like that... trick is, usually, believe it) they are not a good bet to continue with. No matter how good looking or fun or whatever else you liked about them.

The other good lesson is that people are usually the same with everyone. If a person is mean to someone else they will eventually be mean to you also. For instance how do they treat someone like a waiter or waitress. Are they demanding insensitive and rude? Things liek that can be a key to someone's inner character.

There is no one formula for discerning a good or bad person or who you will also get along with best. It just takes time and trying until you find them. Unfortunately there is not really a way out of escaping the hurt feelings and misfires along the way, unless you get lucky and find the right person early on.

When you feel up to it, just dive back in. Take things slowly. Also do not accept mistreatment or someone going past your comfort zone - speak up for what you want also. Don't let them run the show all the time. That sort of tells them they can do anyting they want. And only a saint can have that much power given them and not abuse it.

(If you are not ready to sleep in the same bed, or not ready to spend this much time together, or do not like going to a certain event, say so - perhaps politely begin with "I'm sorry, but...(this is how I feel about that)".)

I don't know if any of that helps you feel better but I hope so.

For what it is worth also: You do not look heavy enough to have health problems as a result. (I would not even say you are overweight - jsut within normal range.) I think that shows her prejudice and perfectionism (she only wants a certain very specific type)... Also her lack of character. If she did not find your form appealing she should have told you very soon into the courtship. Either she was too lonely to reject you at first (she wanted company for a while but when she felt better, not any more) or else she's simply selfish.

I'd say just take things slower next time, don't let things get physical for a while until you know their character better... (so you don't get too attached in case they're a clunker) and also stick up for what you want out of it also. If they have a problem with what you want... it is not a good match anyway.

hi KenM

hey, thank again for your advice on my forum discussion, by the way...

yea, i been screwed with in the past too. maybe, maybe... they think we wont care, or even notice? if so, that's really shortsighted of them, we do have feelings, they r bottled up and not well recognized, and maybe innappropriate at times, because, speaking for myself, i get extremely frustrated, but they r certainly real feelings. yea, dude, she sounded like a tease. i been teased like that too. heck, most guys, AS and not AS, have been teased like that!

my advice to you, is to not let her actions affect how ya feel about all women. jsut write her off. i know its not easy, to do that. but remember to feel good about yourself, avoid thinking about her. think of other things. once i start concentrating on other things, i tend to forget about the problem i left behind. and really, your life is all about your best interests. she wasnt looking out for your best interests. only you can do that. so, try and smile, maybe even laugh it off, and b4 u know it, you'll meet someone better, sorry if thats rambling...

I do miss her as a friend. Does anyone think that if i go to Her, and try to establish better bounderies, we could still be friends?

Ken.. Move on hun.. you deserve much better than this. Much better.. she played you and I am sooo afraid that one day someone like that will play my son. Yes I would be the 1st person to tell you that woman play games.. so do men. the problem is that folks with AS don't play games. they don't know how. you will meet someone some day who will blow your socks off.. she will be just what you are looking for. i think the problem with both genders now is that you all watch too much relaity tv and think its ok to treat people like a door mat. or you have these ideals of what a person should be and are throwing away all the gentle souls along the way.. I prefer to think that I am not a game player and I come straight to the point. this is what you need Ken. someone who will be honest with you and not give you any false messages. the other problem i found is that there are too many bunt offerings out there. each gender becomes so burnt from the other user and player they took the time to know that by the time you meet them they are so angy at the world for being kicked while they are down.. take your time Ken, sit back and try to enjoy your life. I learned a great lesson when i was dating. if you seem needy/angry/burnt out you will meet the wrong person. you will attract someone who wants another victim.. don't be this. be better! stand up for yourself and let the world know you are not a player, and you are a good guy with decent morals! she is out there.. but the pot smoking user is not it......

Again it's impossible to be sure without having met or better, known, you both in real life (not only on internet here).

But... from what you say she sounds selfish and a narcissist. As a rule they do not make good friends. But that is my definition of good. It's also true that narcissists can be fun to be around, for they always like to have a good time, to 'party' and enjoy themselves... this is undoubtedly why so many people enjoy their company!

But if you are lonely for a close friend who will be thoughtful she is not a good bet in my opinion. So in my opinion - she MIGHT take you on as a friend? BUt she will probably belittle you (like her comment about your weight) or use yuo (just have you give her things, or do things for her, with no effort to do the same for you in return).

I think you can do better!!

Just my own opinion. If you do go back to her - then just only do what you want to do, don't let her push you around, okay?