Not being sure if I have feelings for a girl

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The title of this thread says it all; I've had these situations since my first foray into the dating world at the age of 18. If I knew (or thought) a girl was romantically interested in me, I'd ask her on a date, and a relationship would start. Then it would either fail on day two, or continue until she breaks up with me, although one time, I broke up with her due to something she did. When I talked to my friends about the girl, they'd ask me "do you like her?", "are you attracted to her?", or "do you have feelings for her?", and I'd either give them a blank stare or say "I'm dating her, aren't I?" in response. I could never understand what their question meant because it's not something I can afford to take into account. Sometimes they asked more questions to find out exactly, but more often than not, they just left it at that. After all, if I worried about my feelings toward a girl I'm dating, I'd still have zero relationship experience to this day, and I'm now 27. My friends seem to understand that, because I've already been in three relationships and on a good number of dates.

Interestingly, there's a Seinfeld episode where the exact same scenario takes place. George just started dating a new woman (it was probably Susan, but I don't remember exactly). Jerry asked him "do you like her?", and George just couldn't answer the question. His character, like myself, wasn't good with women, either, so I'm sure he just dated whoever showed interest. By the way, their relationship became far less satisfying as the show season progressed, resulting in George wanting out; Susan later died from licking cheap envelopes shortly before their wedding.

So has any other guy on this thread experienced the same thing as I described in the last two paragraphs? (I'm directing this more toward guys, because girls will almost never date someone they're not attracted to.) Has anyone else not been able to answer how they feel about someone they're dating, like myself or George from Seinfeld? The fact that the producers put that into the show clearly indicates that it happens sometimes in real life.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 29 Jan 2011, 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've gone out with people I am not attracted to before. I've let it move right into relationship territory before just because it was better than being alone or I wasn't doing anything else at the time. I have a tendency to be quite passive and let the other party determine what happens. I don't know why. It is never v. satisfying and invariably I'd end up cheating.

I was younger. I've since learned that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. I have not had anyone in my life for three years and I finally met someone I like. Someone that I have feelings for.

Maybe you should take time off from dating until you meet someone you have feelings for. Does the girl you're with think that you have feelings for her? Because even though you don't LOVE her, you don't want to hurt her down the road or waste her time....... It's not very considerate. I feel like a jerk for doing that to people in the past.

Sounds like you are expecting a reversed timeline. You don't usually fall in love with someone and then begin dating them. You date someone to get to know them and if you are right for each other then the deeper feelings come about as a result of the intimate contact and time spent together.

Amen. I had to get married and then divorced to learn this bit of wisdom. I think we Aspies, more so than most others, have to be careful to avoid this trap. Anxiety over never having a relationship and getting married can lead to grasping on to whatever relationship is available and pushing it to places it never belonged. Can only end in misery.

With every relationship I've seen begin, including my NT brother's one, the date has confirmed the start of the relationship. That is, they fall in love, then ask whether they want to be bf/gf, then they go on their first date. In addition, if someone says to me, "John and Sally are dating" then they mean those two are in a relationship. If there's no relationship, then I can't see how it's anything other than platonic socialising. I know I discussed this with Jannissy at some point but I can't find the thread now.

But that's the thing: I'm never sure if I have feelings for someone or not. If I met the said girl, I still wouldn't know what the feelings are supposed to feel like, so to speak. The NT platitude "you'll know it when it happens" sounds like circular logic, and makes no sense at all.

Perhaps someone can point out the signs and "symptoms" to look for that indicate that I have feelings for a girl. I've gone on at least one date with a fairly good number of girls/women, and while I enjoyed being with them, but could never pinpoint those elusive "feelings". How would know I have feelings for her, as opposed to simply dating her? In the perfect world, I'd have a gorgeous girlfriend who I'll like very much and she'll feel the same way. But the real world, it's nothing like that, and I have to find a balance between women I actually have a chance with and women I'm attracted to.

Interestingly, as I perfected my dating skills, my actions became increasingly indistinguishable from someone who's genuinely in love. This includes the usual lovey-dovey things dating couples do, the romantic dates, the gifts, etc. What's been somewhat of a saving grace is that my relationships have never reached the stage where I'd have to say "I love you". At that point, I'd be stumped, because my morals won't allow me to lie about something like that. As for simply dating without feelings, that's all I know, so morals aren't an issue. Think of a bear born in a zoo; it never knew what wilderness looked and felt like; same concept.

While I do feel kind of bad about what seems like stringing the girl along, it's a dog-eat-dog world we humans created for ourselves, so it becomes a necessary evil. It's either that or being lonely my whole life. In the light of that, I try to make sure she has the best relationship she can find. I compliment her regularly, call her often, take her to romantic places, buy her gifts, and give her plenty of affection. In return, I get the security of a relationship, a guaranteed date for events, and of course, physical intimacy.