Aspie male.. what does he want?

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Hi, I finally gathered enough courage to join the community and ask for advice. I'm 25yr NT, and my Aspie is 30.
I have been friend/dating with him since 2007. I immediately had a crush (don't ask me why, I just stepped right into his charms ) and felt special about him ever since.
Of our 3 and half relationship, I reached out for him during first 2 years, brutally being rejected. He was very defensive, often mistook me as teasing him. He used to call me crazy, emotional, illogical etc, that I always misunderstand him and that we would never get along. (I am usually characterized as reasonable, patient, easy going and friendly. Later I found out he has been bullied throughout his school years, never had childhood friends, never fitting in and always considered himself as stranger) Yet he obviously enjoyed my presence. Whenever we meet, he'd warn me that he is busy and has to leave very soon in a defensive manner. But then he'd often cancel his 'busy plans' to stay another few hours with me.
We had many on/offs until I was really done with his ambiguous attitude. Even when we were discussing about 'Should we keep this relationship or not', he responded with "I don't know" (followed by 'I just dont know!!') / "Maybe" / "Probably". On the other hand, he wanted to get physically intimate despite he also agreed that physical intimacy should only happen between 'special relationships'.
However he always stayed a step back and didn't show much effort to form a relationship. I was lost. What does he want? I gave one last big push for a commitment and got a clear rejection. That was it. After 2 years of losing self confidence, having self doubts due to his sharp criticisms and lack of affection - I was relieved when I got rejected. At least things were clear now and I found myself free. I didn't know if he wanted me or not, and he said 'not'.

After 6 months of no communication, he called me. It was the first time since I've known him, that he actually 'called' me. He used FB messages or emails, chats.. but never called me. (which was one of the frustrations) He asked if I was mad at him, and said that he wants to talk to me, not knowing what he wants to talk about- but just wanted to talk to me. We started getting back in touch. I showed more respect, readiness to understand, and patience when he got lost in his thoughts. It was rewarding. He verbalized he likes me, and has special feelings for me. He no longer pushes me to have sex since I said that it makes me uncomfortable. Now he asks me twice a week to go swimming.

But here's where I'm lost again and really need some help.
- He is much more relaxed, no longer defensive, and tells me about what's going on around him (usually work).
- He wants to show that he's a strong man. i.e. fills my gas, fixes my car, moving heavy things
- He tries not to lose his temper ever since we got back in touch. No calling names, no raising voices. If he's getting irritated or upset, he takes a time out instead of spilling his anger at me.
- He doesn't welcome me having male friends
- He repeatedly brings up marriage in the conversation : We've first talked about this last Fall. He didn't want to start anything official because "he knew" I wouldn't marry him. I pointed out that it's not realistic to discuss marriage before even having a relationship and suggested to start from spending more time with each other. He dismissed the conversation, avoided me for the next few days, and when he reached me... he was talking about his mountaineering gears. He didn't mention about us, and I took that as a No. Now he starts saying "I want to have family", "I want a wife". What am I supposed to say? He was the one who's been implying No!
- He only contacts me to go swimming. We have been on dates, to the movies and dinners in the past, but that doesn't happen anymore. Only swimming.
- even on Christmas, and Valentine's day. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no emails.
- He doesn't give me hugs nor kisses: We used to hug and kiss a lot.. not anymore.

So.. What does he want? Friendly support or romantic relationship?
I would really appreciate other perspectives on this situation. I personally feel like he's ridiculing me. (I know he's isn't. However, that's how I feel from his actions)
I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know he's vulnerable, and I appreciate how he has opened up to me. So I do not want to hurt his feelings. But I don't want to hurt mine in exchange either.
What would you advise me to do? Should I boldly bring up the discussion? or Should I give him some more time to figure it out himself? (Will he?)

Last edited by kiwidiwi on 19 Feb 2011, 1:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Absolutely have the talk with him. Go first and tell him that you are interested (might defuse executive function problems) but that you want to know what he's thinking. If he is interested, explain to him that if it's a relationship, some things need to change.

Don't accept the first answer, make a couple of different passes at it.

Then you should know. AS isnt an excuse for indecision and you need a clear signal.

oh wow. you have my guy's clone. We're not dating right now but we were and he was still interested in me later. He's very focused and busy with his work and hobbies but he'd still want me around. he'd make a wrong turn driving me home and we'd end up at his place. he'd want to hug and cuddle me but was afraid of attachment. I sorta caused the relationship to end when I kept texting "should i quit this" over and over again. his answer eventually after like a million texts was "i don't think this is going to work right now" which the wording still left a window open for the relationship in the future to me. We continued on as friends and he'd still listen to me if i needed help, we fooled around a little but the attachment thing came up. I guess the best way to describe him was "passively involved" or involved in a seemingly lazy way. He thought I was too needy and I've always been called too independent. Anyway, the best thing I've found in working with him is to give him his time and space to work out one thought on the relationship at a time. He needs a few weeks to think about something I tossed his way right now. Do it in person. Avoid texting and even the phone at all costs. It's too easy to hide behind that stuff. When I text or call him, he's one person and very in control. When I get him in person, I can see emotion and get instant reactions that aren't soooo over thought out to protect him from spilling too much truth. In a few weeks, I'm hoping to do a face to face whopper. I think we need to be together. Understand how simple and logical his mind works. He'll be literal and it may come out in an odd way. My guy is so reserved and passive because he overcompensates for his quirks, which come out around me all the time anyway.

How long has he been 'nice' for? Do you trust that this is the real him or do you think there's the possibility that this may be an act? How often had you been going out the first time before he started being rude to you?


Honestly, without knowing your guy it's hard to say. He sounds like a friend, but a jealous one. He may want 'romance' or some version of it eventually, but it sounds like it's purely on his terms- if you're happy with that, then yeah, just keep on going the way you're going. If you want a clear answer, then it might be up to you to ask (and maybe decide what to do if the answer is ambiguous/evasive on his part).


Not sure about ridiculing you, but he does appear to want to have his cake and eat it; maybe you need to be clear with him that he can have you as a friend and will have to accept that you will see other people (if that's what you want), or he needs to make his feelings clear. It may be that he's waiting for you to make the first move instead like last time.

I feel a bit mean for saying this, but could there also be a chance that you are his 'back up' girlfriend?

No guarantees about anything (sorry). I'd really suggest going with your gut instinct, even if you suspect the answer mightn't be what you hope.

It sounds like he's just very insecure and is extremely afraid of rejection. Like he may have done the immature "I'll break up with her before she breaks up with me" thing.

IMO, I think it's a good thing he's asking you to go swimming because he's sharing something with you that he enjoys and he's not distressing over impressing you. But it's fine to tell him you miss dinner dates and you'd like to do that again, just be direct about it, don't simply hint at it. He might be afraid to give you hugs and kisses if you said sex makes you uncomfortable. Many aspies are pretty black and white in their thinking...for example, if a significant other told me sex made them uncomfortable, I would stop almost all physical contact except for that which they initiated. I think you two should see a couple's counselor since you seem a bit unsure and he's talking about marriage.

Neurological processing impairments most certainly are an excuse for difficulty with decision making.

Albert Einstein had six identical sets of the same suit so he wouldn't have to go through the difficult process of deciding what to wear each morning. If he had problems with something that seemingly trivial, how much more difficult do you think it might be to weigh the pros and cons of a complex personal relationship and decide whether the desirables are worth the dangers? The man has a DISABILITY. He does not and will never think like other people.

Unconventional problems require unconventional solutions. Think outside the box. And be prepared to accept answers that may at first seem alien to you.

It sounds as if he likes you as more than a friend. Unfortunately, the relationship seems to be on his own terms. I can imagine that's frustrating. You have to be clear and direct. It might help any insecurity that he's feeling. On the other hand, Aspies usually don't like to be pushed. It can feel very overwhelming. I'm not sure there is an easy answer.

Relationships are about two people though. If you are unhappy or not having your needs met, you have the right to state as much and move on.

When I push my guy, I get a negative reaction and extreme frustration. When I let him take his time to think, I get an answer. He has to answer on his own terms. He knows this about himself. He specifically said on this most recent decision to let him be the one to respond. It took me a long time to figure this out about him. We know that the more he pulls, the more I push. This can cause A LOT of problems if this is not acknowledged and understood. My way of telling him I care was to say that waiting for this decision was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wasn't lying when I said that. Showing caring and understanding comes in strange forms in this world it seems. But, fighting the aspie ways of thinking can cause so many problems.

When I read your description, I think that he is interested in you, but that he is very confused. When I was younger, my problem was that I had very specific ideas about what a relationship was about. A lot of that was because I spent much of my time in a fantasy world, and I didn't realize how different my fantasy world was from reality. When I encountered the real world, and found that it didn't agree with my fantasy, my reaction was confusion. I didn't know what to do, how to behave, so I generally ended up doing nothing.

If you want a relationship with this guy, you may have to explain the realities of the situation to him. Don't tell him things that he should do or things that he should change. That will just drive him away. You should let him know what you are looking for, what you are expecting. Be as direct as possible, but beware of anything that might seem like a criticism of him. Above all, be prepared to explain why you are doing things. Don't expect him to figure things out. Aspies often struggle at figuring out things about personal relationships. Remember, he may have s a flawed idea about relationships, so if he jumps to the wrong conclusions, be prepared to explain in neutral terms what you are thinking about.

I'm well aware of that which you would know if you had read my post for comprehension rather that speed and snark material. But there is nothing wrong with prodding someone to make a choice and letting them know that you need clarity. He's not a china doll.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have put up with his hostility long enough for it to get to this point, and I'm kind of curious why you stuck with someone who really didn't treat you very well to begin with, or why you are even fixated on him now, other than to reason that must be a heavy crush, which has some biochemical or psychological component I have yet to encounter myself.

I don't know what he wants, but I can speculate.

Perhaps he is one of those individuals who can only deal with something when they don't have any obligations or responsibilities to maintain.

This would be the person who is an excellent worker when they have volunteered to do the work without getting paid for it, and the person who is an excellent partner when no implication of commitment has been made, but the second they are getting paid, and it's something they have to do, or the second it is determined that they are in a relationship, they fall apart.

He might have strong feelings for you, but worries he will not be able to live up to your expectations of him in a relationship. Men in relationships are expected to be representatives of their spouse/family, and be the main bread winner, and this can be very intimidating for a man, especially if he has AS.

Or it might be that he isn't really in love with you, but does want a wife and family, figures his time is running out and his chances of finding someone he feels strongly for, and who also feels strongly for him is limited, and he is willing to settle with you.

I think you are really just going to have to ask him. Tell him you are confused and want to know exactly what type of relationship he wants with you.

Tell him you liked it when you went on dates and spent time together. It's good to reminisce. Directness is good.

I don't need to tell you to be patient, but there needs to be some definitions in this relationship. He may need to set some reasonable boundaries. He may also want to know what you want.

Do you know if he's been working with a therapist or someone like that? The reason why I ask is that if he's made some changes it may be the result of working with someone.

Although it sounds like what you have been going through is uncommon, the more NT women you talk to that are involved with Aspies the more you will see that what you are going through is not uncommon at all.

It is not at all unusual when you ask the question, “What do you want?” for him to say “I don’t know.” I’m not so sure that he doesn’t know, but I think that he cannot articulate they way he is feeling. I think he reached out to you for physical intimacy because that was his way of showing you how he felt. If he has told you that this behavior is reserved for special relationships, then I think he was trying to show you how he felt, when he could not tell you.

The pushing you away and then pulling you close is also unfortunately not uncommon either. I think there are a variety of reasons for these types of things. I think when he doesn’t know what to do; he gets frustrated and pushes you away. Then he misses you a lot and wants you back. Because you are important to him he fears making a mistake. One thing aspies seem to do is to do nothing when they are unsure what to do or to not commit to an answer because they are afraid that they will be wrong or that they will make mistakes that they will be held accountable for.

“- He only contacts me to go swimming. We have been on dates, to the movies and dinners in the past, but that doesn't happen anymore. Only swimming.
- even on Christmas, and Valentine's day. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no emails.
- He doesn't give me hugs nor kisses: We used to hug and kiss a lot.. not anymore.

So.. What does he want? Friendly support or romantic relationship? “

I think he wants a romantic relationship. But since you have had so many problems in the past he is trying to do things very differently. The things you reference that you used to do..the dates etc those things did not keep you from having problems in your relationship. So he is thinking that he will try different things such as getting you gas, fixing your car, moving heavy things and asking you to go swimming.

So although it appears as if he is very passive in your relationship and not putting in the effort, from his perspective he is trying different things and may not understand why you are upset. He just knows it is his fault and so then he will back away from you.

I think as others have said he doesn’t initiate physical intimacy because you have told him you are not comfortable with it. Aspies can be very black and white, all or nothing thinkers.

And that is what makes me think he keeps bringing up marriage because he has reached a point where this relationship is now viewed as all or nothing to him. My boyfriend doesn’t have any tattoos. But he recently told me he would never have one tattoo, if he got one on his arm he would get his entire arm done in a sleeve of tattoos. This was an Ah Ha moment for me. It showed me his all or nothing thinking.


I believe that he does want to be with you. It appears to me that he has decided what he wants and that is marriage. It does not seem odd to him to go from being apart to marriage. I think that the part of a relationship that is the in between part is what he is struggling with.

It seems to me that he tried pushing you away and living without you. When that didn’t work I think he contacted you because he wanted you back in his life. I think he is trying different behaviors with you in order to find something that works and makes you happy.

It is a good sign to me that you both have found coping mechanisms to keep your cool, be respectful and not get angry.

I don’t think he will understand why you are unsure about what he wants. He has told you what he wants.

“ He didn't want to start anything official because he knew I wouldn't marry him .” I pointed out that it's not realistic to discuss marriage before even having a relationship and suggested to start from spending more time with each other. He dismissed the conversation, avoided me for the next few days, and when he reached me... he was talking about his mountaineering gears. He didn't mention about us, and I took that as a No”

He believes he has clearly told you what he wants. He will not have an “official” relationship with you until he believes that you will marry him. I think he is in fact waiting on you to let him know that you want the same thing. He stayed away for a couple days because I’m bet that was an emotional conversation for him to have and it may have hurt his feelings that he told you what he wanted and that you didn’t indicate that you wanted the same thing.

He came back to you and began talking to you about a neutral topic (mountaineering gears) because he did not want to have another emotional or confrontational conversation. In my opinion the fact that he figured out a way to come back to you so quickly speaks to how much he does in fact love you. He was not saying no to the idea of spending more time with you. This was an assumption that you made, but I don’t think it is a correct assumption.

In my opinion, and of course it is just an opinion, he is waiting for you to tell him that you want the same thing as he does, marriage. He is not able to understand your point of view that the two of you should spend more time together before talking about marriage.

I sure hope that the two of you can make your relationship work. I can tell by the amount of time you have invested and the things that you have written how much you love him. I can also tell by how well you have been able to describe his actions, how much he loves you. Change is very very hard for someone with AS and making a decision can be as well. The fact that he has made some changes and made from what it sounds like to me a very concrete decision about what he wants tells me he does love you.

@Chronos, IMO your post is exceptionally insightful - thank you for taking the time to write it.

OP, if this guy is settling for you, please don't even think about settling for him. Everyone - and I mean everyone - deserves to be with a partner who wakes up every day knowing how lucky he/she is to have you. "Settling" is just not a part of that equation.

Aspie guys - if you see yourself in the OP's bf's behavior - please do what you can to behave differently. Don't try to control the relationship by failing to talk about how you feel and what you want. You and your partner are in the relationship together; you both have obligations and responsibilities to each other. It's so much better to tell your partner you don't know what to do, how to behave, etc., and be willing to accept some guidance than to act as though you intended to make every mistake you make, or to behave as though you're brutally indifferent to your partner's pain rather than acknowledge you've caused it. Lots of relationships can survive an awful lot of turmoil and mistakes and mixed/crossed signals - as long as the foundation of the relationship is honesty and trust. Relationships grow with you - you're not supposed to know all the answers at the beginning. You have to let them develop, you have to expect to grow as a person (in some comfortable and uncomfortable ways). You have to trust each other.

If this guy isn't in counseling, he probably should be. I think he probably has a lot of unresolved personal issues that are getting in the way. I'm a little shocked that you've been stuck on this guy for so long when he's obviously not returned much affection. It's possible counseling would benefit you as well.

There are any number of possibilities that might explain his behavior. It's possible he has feelings for you and has trouble communicating them due to AS or anxiety or some combination of the two. It's possible he really just wants to be friends and doesn't know how to set boundaries in the relationship. It's possible he decided for whatever reason that he wants a wife and family and you are simply the most convenient person that could give him that.

Here's my advice on how to handle the situation. Rather than endlessly searching for why he's acting the way he is, just consider the basics. He either has feelings for you or he doesn't, and you clearly do have strong feelings for him. You know he has AS, and you know he has lingering issues from his childhood. He almost assuredly has no relationship/dating experience and probably has issues with low self esteem. Realize this, and realize he's NEVER going to chase you and pursue you the way most guys pursue women. You'll not only have to tolerate his quirks, but you'll have to hold his hand through the whole process of building up a relationship, which it sounds like you've been doing already. Ultimately, that means you're going to have to take the lead in the relationship and take charge. I think he's not going to feel secure unless someone other than him is in the driver's seat in the relationship. Decide if you love him and want to be with him enough to do those things. If you do, be direct and spell it out in words what you want. Be direct, tell him you're interested, tell him you're willing to teach him how to be a good partner if he's willing to learn and work at it. If his feelings are sincere, he should be willing to do this.