AS and Sex Aversion / Being Hyper-Critical of your Mate?

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Hi all. I'm a 25-year-old NT female dating a 26-year-old male with mild AS. I have a question about some of his romantic / sexual behavior. To give some background, he's had sexual relations and short-term relationships with a decent number of women, but I'm his first long-term girlfriend (we've been together for a year and a half). Anyway, he says that, after about 3-4 months into a relationship, he starts having obsessive thoughts about his partners' flaws, freaks out, and then stops wanting to have sex. This has happened with our relationship as well.

He told me that he finds sex "distasteful" and often would rather masturbate. He also finds sex to be stressful and frightening, due to fears of him freaking out, failing to achieve an erection, etc. He also told me he's been having obsessive thoughts / panic attacks about all of my body flaws, i.e. my breasts are "too saggy," my hair is too flat, and so on. Granted, I'm not a super-model or anything, but I'd consider myself attractive, or at least not so unattractive that I'd cause someone to have panic attacks and obsessive thoughts! My breasts and hair, etc. look perfectly normal to me, and I'm not overweight. He claims that he gets this way about everyone he dates, and that he doesn't "rationally agree with the obsessive thoughts, but they won't go away, and they make him unable to focus on the good things about a partner." I'm feeling pretty hurt and rejected by all this. Is this fairly common in people with AS, or does he have something else altogether going on? He's been tested for any medical disorders such as low testosterone, but all of his results have come back perfectly normal. Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

It certainly sounds familiar - I'm an aspie (female) and certainly sex becomes an issue after a certain number of months within a relationship, sex becomes more "distasteful" and can become a lot more stressful as a cause of major anxiety and panic, I would say this is because it goes from being an instinctual lustful thing to being something more intimate where there is more thought involved. In general people with AS can have these sort of issues surrounding sex...if you look round these forums you'll see the issue comes up a fair bit.

Focusing on your body flaws I'd say is less common - but that's not to say it's not something to do with AS. It may be that he has the odd thought about 'flaws' (I doubt you actually have many flaws) but is becoming too focused on these, maybe using these as an excuse for why he isn't sexually motivated. It may be that he is simply struggling to explain to you why he feels this way, and for whatever reason he's using these 'flaws' as a reason because he doesn't now what else to blame, he may just be a jerk and using these 'flaws' as a way of placing blame on you, or these 'flaws' may be his backwards way of explaining things - it would make sense for him to explain things in a different way, a way that's not so hurtful for you, but it's not always easy for 'us' to see that or know how else to explain things.

I think when you have an NT in a relationship with an AS there is a bit of a problem with NT's feeling rejected, I get the impression my NT boyfriend feels rejected by my issues with sex, intimacy and affection, I can imagine it is tough. I would like to say that although issues he may have as an NT are something you have to work on with him, please don't let his comments on your flaws effect how you feel about yourself.

This post is stressing me out, what more for you! How long has this been going on in your relationship?

What would you both like to happen? It sounds like he needs professional therapy to overcome or at the very least mitigate his obsessive thoughts.

I hope others here can give you more comforting or helpful advice.

Hm. Well I'm an undiagnosed AS male and have a normal sex drive. I certainly have said no to others, when younger, for various reasons. Usually because my comfort level wasnt there and getting that close to someone was stressful at that moment. I do remember being a bit odd in that regard right into my mid-20s and there were times when certain colors of lipstick would just completely weird me out.

I don't want to go into too many details but I will just say that as I became more comfortable with sex, I became less odd. Today I'm just a standard annoying bf who wants to have sex all the time.

My advice:

A) Explain to him that his comments are hurtful and that this likely has nothing to do with your body. (this may be risky, so it's optional, but I'd say it)

B) Have a lot of sex with him. I believe he will become less odd over time. Maybe find some ways to encourage him to have it in ways that are least stressful for him for now.

C) You might be sexually incompatible. It happens. He may enjoy being with you but not find your particular features attractive. He may not want to admit that to himself because he doesnt want to lose the relationship and be lonely again.

D) Maybe it is just an AS feature that I'm unfamiliar with personally. A love it or leave it kind of thing.

E) In the classic 'sensate focus' of Masters and Johnson sex therapy, they recommend to the couple that they do touching exercises (sensual touch, perhaps even erotic touch), but that they consciously do not have sex for a while.

A lady wrote, maybe on Salon, about going through a celibate, nonsexual phase, and she wasn't sure what was going on. She would spoon with her husband and cuddle, but not have sex.

There are a number of good possibilities, both this and the above. Please trust your gut instincts.

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When I struggled with OCD as a teenager, about chemical contamination about germs, there really is a dynamic where the more you try and push a thought away, the more it is there. What I found helpful, and using it in my own way, was ideas about zen meditation.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 17 Feb 2011, 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I like to do intellectual work in the morning. I like to take long, long walks (like 2 hours). Then I do look forward to social in the evening.

I don't know for sure, but I think it might be easy for a person who's neurotypical to underestimate how much alone time I really, really need.

WOW! That could be a topic all on it's own. I think you are correct.

I've wondered this for sometime now for my husband. He thinks he needs less ( I think he feels guilty about this). I have a feeling he's not getting enough. I've realized over the past year just how much alone time our 5yr old requires.

Thank you all for the helpful answers! It's great to hear your experiences and know that my BF isn't alone in his experiences. I think I'll try to see if I can get him to see a therapist with me. Hopefully that will help.

Hm, maybe that explains why he never seems to want to talk on the phone for more than 15 minutes and why, as soon as he gets home, he just runs straight into his hobby closet before I can even say "how was your day?" or give him a hug Is this typical of AS, wanting tons of alone time? It seems like, if he has a stressful / unusually long workday or something, then it just cuts into "us" time, because heaven forbid that he take even a nanosecond away from his planned "him" time lol.

Mangos,
All Aspies (actually all Auties) need "Transition Time". What you are describing:

Is his NEED to transition. Aspies need time to decompress before they begin to change into the next task or situation. 10-15 mins is about what my husband or son need from task to task. At work, my husband has time between clients (he's a network engineer) in the car. At home, this is a bit trickier. I have learned, due in large part to our son, when I need to say to my husband "I think you need some time dear"

Oh, ok! That makes a lot of sense. I've noticed that he does seem to get extremely stressed out by having to multi-task or switch from one activity straight into the next, which always confused me. He's also an engineer So I guess, in AS, having a conversation about how your day went with your family members doesn't count as "decompressing" and counts as a task of some sort? This is what confused me, because talking to him at the end of the day IS my way of decompressing, but this certainly doesn't seem to be the case for him.

In my husband's case, talking to me about his day is consider a polite social task for the benefit of one's wife

He now realizes he needs to talk to me about work (he misinterprets social situations and requires assistance breaking down how to handle things/how to proceed). But, he needs transition time first, then asks when I will have time to listen to how his day went.

BTW-My husband & I met at just a bit sooner than the age you both are now. It took him a LOOOOOOONG time to feel comfortable about himself after naked intimacy/sex. We had glimpses of his enjoyment during the years. Now that he's older, a bit more mature (though he's still delayed), and more comfy with himself he enjoys the process MUCH more.

When he was having trouble in the bedroom, we discussed it...then usually resorted back to something that made him more comfy. Maybe just petting/not intercourse during times that your BF is having OCD like thoughts would work to get him through this better? I'm thinking you naked is causing sensory overload and he's getting STUCK in details.

I also agree with simon_says's thoughts: he needs to work through this and needs to be told explicitly how his comments affect your self-esteem. At the very least, it's rude. He needs to know this. In our house, I say "When you said (fill in the blank) it was rude, and inappropriate" My husband understands this type of communication best.

Now, on the plus side, a person on the spectrum can really focus on what you are saying, and feel deeply on your behalf, so much so that we can only do it a little time.

But there are apsects of it as a gift.

what an excellent word to describe it. I can tell you its dead-on target.

You know what popped into my head when I read it? As a scuba diver we have to follow procedures after a deep dive that is called 'decompression'.

When you go on a deep dive the pressure around you makes the nitrogen in your blood saturate... so when it is time to surface you must do so at a certain speed (to avoid the change in pressure from suddenly forming fatal nitrogen bubbles in your bloodstream) and if the dive is deep enough, you must stop at certain depths for certain period of time to allow that nitrogen to be naturally (safely) released from your bloodstream.

For AS its the same thing! Stress= depth , length of time needed alone at home = how long the work day was. When you get home we need to decompress all the stress out before we can enter the new environment (surface!).

WTF! I think it's time you pointed out a few of his 'not so perfect' bits and let him see what it's like.

Not to be rude, but if he's decided you're 'not good enough' for him, why the hell are you sticking around? He's already told you that this is a pattern of his- why put up with someone who thinks of you this way? You deserve a relationship where the other person thinks as highly of you as you do them.

This. You deserve to be with someone who sees your body as beautiful and is grateful to you for sharing it with them. He's not going to get any less Aspie as he ages, and you're not going to get any more "perfect"--cut this guy loose while there's still time for you.

I'm still around because it's a bit more complicated than that, unfortunately. He's otherwise a very sweet and caring guy. Also, his obsessive thoughts and comments have in no way been malicious, and they distress him too. It's more like he can't help it and it bothers him, not like he calls me names or insults me on purpose. Obviously, his comments have hurt my feelings, but he says that, overall, he is attracted to me and does think I'm pretty. Afterall, he's had these thoughts about every woman he's dated, not just me. His obsessive thoughts aren't always around, either, since they seem to come and go with his mood (i.e. a stressful day results in more obsessive thoughts). Also, these thoughts have quieted down a bit since he's started medication (Remeron), and even moreso once he found out he had mild AS / OCD / GAD and therefore has no reason to blame his weird thoughts on anything that's happening in reality anymore. I do love him and value his other character traits, so I'm hoping that a combination of medication, therapy, and reflection on his diagnoses will get him to the point where his thoughts are more of a fleeting observation rather than something that sticks out in his mind and impacts his mood and behavior. I think most people notice minor flaws in other people, but usually those flaws don't turn into something worth remembering or thinking about (kind of like the scenery that passes by while you drive), or end up being viewed as "lovable quirks." Hopefully it will be more like that for him someday soon.