Does "dating" just mean "sex"?

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My boyfriend and I have been good mates for a few years before we started "dating." He told me he's interested in me as a person, and also interested in my body. But the very week we officially started "dating," he brought up the topic of when we were going to have sex. I'm asexual, and had been avoiding the problem of what I'd do when I couldn't put it off anymore.
Why is it "dating" just seems to be a polite social word for sex? Why not just say "we're good mates - do you want to have sex?" In which case I'd have understood and said no, not really. I'm not naive, I understand that "relationships" are usually sexual - but not always. It's not necessarily an automatic assumption.

Did he know you were asexual before you guys got into a relationship?

that's what seperates a boyfriend from a normal friend. - sexual things (not always sex but cuddling, kissing etc)
i can't think of another distinction.

Declaration of possible bias - I've never been in a romantic relationship.

Onward, I agree with emlion that the sexual bond between partners is what differentiates friends from couples. I personally think the most successful relationships are ones that find a balance between mental and physical stimulation according to the preferences of each partner.

Well, I thought the boyfriend/girlfriend situation encompassed many things - mostly things you see in marriages. Somoene to share your life with, companionship, closeness, partnership and a level of intimacy deeper than that of casual friendship. A stronger bond. That's a distinction, in my view. I keep friends at arm's reach, so to speak. I'm trying not to lock my boyfriend out like that. I'm trying to make a connection, and commitment, here. Despite my secretive nature, I'd like us to be close. I even don't mind him touching me, and I usually hate being touched. I don't mind kissing and hugging. It just made me think "typical. Here we go again" when the first thing he bought up was when he could have sex with me - like nothing else in the equation mattered. Just sex. It makes me defensive and cynical. I had some idea he may require it, and it was a testament to myself of how highly I think of him that I'd even consider it. I just need to get used to the idea before I start being pressured. Anything in that area of my body is painful, so I assume sex will be. I'm not exactly young, either, so it's all a bit awkward.
He knew I'm asexual. He gave me the explanation about a deeper emotional connection and someone to be with - but then jumps right in with the "when are we going to have sex, then?"
Oi.

Relationships include sex. This is almost always the case. But there's still more to them than that.

I think it says something about how strong your relationship is that you don't mind him touching you when you usually hate being touched, and you'd consider having sex with him even though you self-identify as asexual. I think you should communicate that to him and let him know you need time, that the whole physical contact thing is not easy for you and you need to take it slowly. I hope he has the patience to understand that and allow things to develop the way they will, because it certainly sounds like there is the basis for a good relationship there.

~Kate

Perhaps I'm weird, but I see sex as an aspect of intimacy, not intimacy as a precursor to sex. And I don't see sex as just intercourse. It's a whole universe of physical contact. Consider Jon Voight in Coming Home: He was dead from the waist down, and yet could "have sex".

So perhaps the place to start is to establish what he means when he says "having sex". What's his ultimate objective? Is it a matter of fulfilling a role, or does he just want to get off, or does he actually want intimacy?

The "deeper connection" thing I don't buy. You can have that without intercourse. That's a sales pitch.

The most important sexual organ is between your ears. You need to get inside each others' heads before you get in each others' pants.

Err... no. Dating is taking on romantic feelings for someone and feelings that were platonic are allowed to intensify. Emotional intimacy that is kept at a certain amount of distance as platonic friends is allowed closer in. Sex generally speaking is an act of expression for a lot of people in that sense rather than being a means to an end.

It sounds like this relationship could have been a mistake or built on some misunderstandings. In most cases people either will want to have sex within the first month or two, otherwise typically speaking they have made a specific decision to not have sex until marriage - whether its a religious choice or one that they perhaps feel is damaging to a marriage later.

If you are asexual though you have to realize this and go for guys who are asexual themselves. Like anyone else, if you wish to be in a relationship with someone they need to be someone who's compatible, shares the same values, and most of the later consists of things that people cannot change - nor is there technically any right or wrong for the most part, people are who they are and consequently need to find partners who are very close matches to begin with, otherwise frictions from the wrong types of differences persist, cause cracks in the relationship, and typically these will be problems that people could have seen right up front but were either too enamored to be deterred or said "Oh, he/she will change". Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

yeah, that's true.
having sex with someone you're in love and in tune with is SO different than f*****g some random guy in a bar.
I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Dating can be what you want it to be. If aren't interested in sex, you should establish that at the very beginning, that way they know what they are getting into. You don't want to waste each others time if you are on the wrong page.

No, dating does not just mean sex. It means a lot of things, really.

If sex isn't involved, then why is gender a factor? Hang out with members of your own gender. Or not. And if intimacy is involved, pick what makes you comfortable in that.

Dating can just mean Sex to someone. It's not common and it's rude but it happens. On the average, sex is an expected part of dating. Sex doesn't have to be a part of anything. Communication is really key here. You need to make sure neither of you are wasting your time. You've got to be on the same page. It's not unreasonable that he may want sex. It is unreasonable for him to pressure you for sex if he knows you're asexual. He may not be aware of the boundaries he has to respect. If he refuses to acknowledge the boundaries or refuses to respect the boundaries after being educated, you would do better to end the relationship. However, if his xsexual desires leave him feeling like his needs aren't being met, this may continue to be a problem in the relationship, regardless of his respect for your asexuality. It definitely twists the heart a bit and I really hope it works out.

Oh just break up with him already.

Sex is not the only thing that matters, but sexual urges are often very intense and (as the term implies) urgent. It's like being hungry, if someone hasn't eaten in three days and they talk about food alot, you don't say to them "all you care you about is food". People tend to voice the needs that are not being met.

You have to decide what you want and express yourself instead of complaining and wondering what things mean. Forget what society thinks and what he says just know what you want.

You're saying the only difference between men and women is their sex organs?

Asexuals still have romantic attractions, you know, such as the OP, and those can be hetero, homo, bi, or pan, just like with sexual attraction.

I'm a heteroromantic asexual myself. I am simply not attracted to women romantically.