04 Mar 2011, 8:21 am
04 Mar 2011, 8:58 am
04 Mar 2011, 9:24 am
04 Mar 2011, 10:38 am
Hi Pandora_Box..
though i cannot accurately and exactly explain how you are feeling about or towards your fiancee, one thing is for sure, it's normal. sometimes you or all people actually get very involved with how they feel and see nothing else, or at least, i mean that's where you are most focused with; that this particular emotion have consumed you which could be a phase too. if you could last the bad feelings it brings you. now for your fiancee, maybe she is just on a different page and on a different wavelength right now than you are regarding your relationship and feelings, but it doesn't mean she loves you any less or that you are losing her. its just how it is now, it is just what she is doing right now. it may just also be a phase for her, that right now those are her priorities which she might not be very conscious about, of everything it brings between the two of you that it might not mean anything bad... it will pass too. and maybe why she isn't as focused as you are in your relationship could be because she have a lot of things to figure out and in her mind, that she behaves this way, it could be that these are her ways to normalize and/or cope with all of it. you are still both different people you could be in sync now but maybe not tomorrow, or in your case right now, vice versa.
well, i hope things will go better between the two of you, and inside both of you too..
again good luck.. don't kill yourself with thinking about things too much.. 
_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted 
Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie.. 
04 Mar 2011, 10:56 am
Mindslave
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04 Mar 2011, 1:56 pm
04 Mar 2011, 1:58 pm
04 Mar 2011, 2:07 pm
04 Mar 2011, 2:45 pm
04 Mar 2011, 3:47 pm
04 Mar 2011, 4:01 pm
Pandora_Box wrote:
I don't if you ever aware of abusive relationships with a woman abusing the man, over the man abusing the woman. The last last relationship before this one left me horribly scared. I was used by my ex, she manipulated me, lied to me. She took ever vulnerability I had and used it against me. I can't help, but only be cautious of my terrible choices of woman. They all seem so great in the beginning, so smart. Something different. And then they get weird on me. Change on me. Except that last relationship, she admitted she lied to me more than once. She admitted that she didn'treally care.
I can't help be cautious when I originally found myself in a relationship with a black widow.
I can't help be cautious when I originally found myself in a relationship with a black widow.
but this time, its a little different because you are engaged and you guys are about to have a child together, all of which gives you all the right and time to fight for this relationship and work it all out, though i do not guarantee you that it will be easy.. your caution is understandable, but not everything has to be the same even though it might show similarities..
_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie.. 04 Mar 2011, 4:10 pm
04 Mar 2011, 4:19 pm
04 Mar 2011, 4:20 pm
I can completely sympathise with being stressed over broken promises; I hate when people do that, or when you're left guessing.
Quote:
I guess since after a while you'd think something would change and its been months and months and she still is doing the same stuff over and over again.
Maybe it's just me, but this seems almost parallel with the recent 'why do they marry them?' thread; maybe some of those NT women were thinking exactly the same thing?
Some people on that thread seemed to think it unfair for a partner to ask any behavioural change from the other; it was argued that rather than compromise, it was better to quit and find someone who matched you perfectly instead. I guess if you follow that view of life (which is a fair enough, if perhaps quite difficult), then it is unreasonable of you to ask your girlfriend to change who she is and the way that she acts, just as you should be allowed continue to be yourself.
Personally, I subscribe to the view that relationships should be open to compromise if needed; I mean, if you meet someone who is perfect from the word go, great. Job done. But if you are unfortunate enough (
) to fall madly in love with Mr/Ms Non-Perfect, and they feel the same and you both want to make it work, then a lifetime's a long time not to work well together and sometimes that involves a bit of compromise (note; not a complete personality change, unless you think the relationship's worth it... and maybe to some people it is).
Maybe it's worthwhile talking to your girlfriend and finding out which (if either) view she subscribes to- might give you a bit more insight into things
Either way, sometimes it's easier to change yourself than to change others. Could you give a little more description of your girlfriend's socialising; i.e how often does she see you at the moment? How much time does she spend with friends? That'd give us an idea of whether she really is shoving you in a corner or if you maybe need to learn to let go a little.
(p.s. @ RightGalaxy- is a thread asking for help really the best place to chastise someone for choices which were legally theirs to make? What do you want this guy to do- go back in time? Go "gosh you're right, we better get an abortion right away to fix this little problem"?)
04 Mar 2011, 4:42 pm
Lene wrote:
Personally, I subscribe to the view that relationships should be open to compromise if needed; I mean, if you meet someone who is perfect from the word go, great. Job done. But if you are unfortunate enough ( ) to fall madly in love with Mr/Ms Non-Perfect, and they feel the same and you both want to make it work, then a lifetime's a long time not to work well together and sometimes that involves a bit of compromise (note; not a complete personality change, unless you think the relationship's worth it... and maybe to some people it is).
) to fall madly in love with Mr/Ms Non-Perfect, and they feel the same and you both want to make it work, then a lifetime's a long time not to work well together and sometimes that involves a bit of compromise (note; not a complete personality change, unless you think the relationship's worth it... and maybe to some people it is).Change doesn't come from without, it comes from within. She can only change for herself. However, she can do things to fit her partners needs as well. Since we have had this conversation over and over, you'd think she make an internal decision to maybe try a new behavior. That's where I was going for.
Quote:
Either way, sometimes it's easier to change yourself than to change others. Could you give a little more description of your girlfriend's socialising; i.e how often does she see you at the moment? How much time does she spend with friends? That'd give us an idea of whether she really is shoving you in a corner or if you maybe need to learn to let go a little.
She's a very social girl. Outgoing and spontanous. I am sure she socializes at work, and she works for about 8hrs. She doesn't come home straight away, sometimes she stays out. Goes shopping or does whatever. She comes home pretty late. About 9pm. For right now because of our jobs and schedules, only about an hour on the weekdays. Since she goes to bed at 12 midnight. I like to reserve the weekends for us, but she likes taking those days to go out with friends. Comes hom around 6pm, but then she wants to "relax" from being out to long.
Quote:
(p.s. @ RightGalaxy- is a thread asking for help really the best place to chastise someone for choices which were legally theirs to make? What do you want this guy to do- go back in time? Go "gosh you're right, we better get an abortion right away to fix this little problem"?)
Me and her had a big fight about this too. She wanted kids. I didn't. She wanted to get married, have kids. Do the whole mom thing. But I mean...look at it from her past history. Always out with friends, always out doing something, but never wants to plan anything with me. She's the just wing it type. Which means I can come along, but spend hours and hours socializing with people and it just drives me bananas. How can we have kids when she wants to be out so much?
04 Mar 2011, 5:52 pm
Pandora_Box wrote:
Lene wrote:
Personally, I subscribe to the view that relationships should be open to compromise if needed; I mean, if you meet someone who is perfect from the word go, great. Job done. But if you are unfortunate enough ( ) to fall madly in love with Mr/Ms Non-Perfect, and they feel the same and you both want to make it work, then a lifetime's a long time not to work well together and sometimes that involves a bit of compromise (note; not a complete personality change, unless you think the relationship's worth it... and maybe to some people it is).
) to fall madly in love with Mr/Ms Non-Perfect, and they feel the same and you both want to make it work, then a lifetime's a long time not to work well together and sometimes that involves a bit of compromise (note; not a complete personality change, unless you think the relationship's worth it... and maybe to some people it is).Change doesn't come from without, it comes from within. She can only change for herself. However, she can do things to fit her partners needs as well. Since we have had this conversation over and over, you'd think she make an internal decision to maybe try a new behavior. That's where I was going for
I'm not sure where I said that change didn't come from inside, but I take it that you're saying she shouldn't change just because you want her to? ok then, but if she's happy, why would she want to change 'for herself' or 'try' a new behaviour? You're the one who's unhappy at the moment, not her.
Quote:
Quote:
Either way, sometimes it's easier to change yourself than to change others. Could you give a little more description of your girlfriend's socialising; i.e how often does she see you at the moment? How much time does she spend with friends? That'd give us an idea of whether she really is shoving you in a corner or if you maybe need to learn to let go a little.
She's a very social girl. Outgoing and spontanous. I am sure she socializes at work, and she works for about 8hrs. She doesn't come home straight away, sometimes she stays out. Goes shopping or does whatever. She comes home pretty late. About 9pm. For right now because of our jobs and schedules, only about an hour on the weekdays. Since she goes to bed at 12 midnight. I like to reserve the weekends for us, but she likes taking those days to go out with friends. Comes hom around 6pm, but then she wants to "relax" from being out to long.
9pm's quite late... most shops where I'm from don't stay open till past 5! I imagine it gets quite lonely if you're home alone. What are the plans after the baby is born? Does she plan to be a stay at home mum?
Taking the whole weekend up to see friends/have no time for you also seems a bit unfair (imo)- I take it you've tried talking to her and planning something else to do? What does she say when you talk to her?
If she continually breaks promises, maybe just stop making them- get a dog or something for company and find a hobby or something else to do with your free time... doesn't really solve the relationship problem though.
Quote:
Me and her had a big fight about this too. She wanted kids. I didn't. She wanted to get married, have kids. Do the whole mom thing. But I mean...look at it from her past history. Always out with friends, always out doing something, but never wants to plan anything with me. She's the just wing it type. Which means I can come along, but spend hours and hours socializing with people and it just drives me bananas. How can we have kids when she wants to be out so much?
Maybe when the baby's born she'll spend more time at home? I can't see how she wouldn't, unless she's a relative she can fob the baby off on, or you're planning on being a full time dad...
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