How physical is a "relationship"?

Post Reply New Topic

There was a thread here recently where a guy felt like a date which ended in a mini "make-out" caused him to think that the relationship was a little more serious than it turned out to be (and I understand his disappointment - this is not criticism)

It got me thinking: At what physical level is a "relationship" reasonably implied? In the absence of a verbal understanding anyway...

I once had a situation where a woman was *extremely* aggressive (alcohol was involved) and we ended up having sex. She was furious when it became clear that I wasn't interested in a serious relationship and cut off all contact with me. I didn't initiate anything, I just went along with it, but I still feel a little guilty.

I crave sex, but I don't want to hurt anyone either - how far can I go?

Grisha -

I don't think this is a "hard-and-fast" (sorry!) rule kind of situation, instead it depends on the individuals involved. One woman's aggressive drunken sex romp means something completely different from another woman's, and both could mean something even different from that depending on how they view the guy they slept with. Ya know?

mv

For me, if I had sex on the first date I wouldn't expect a relationship to come of it. - Not saying that it wouldn't, but I wouldn't think one was equal to the other.

As for a kiss at the end of a date - that's just polite.

I see a kiss as "a license to run my life" - A hug is much more defensible...

My gut feeling is that it isn't physical level that implies relationship but rather the quantity of time two people have intentionally spent together. I can't put a numerical value on that quantity because it varies from situation to situation. But I do know that the quantity is >1. The catch is that how much greater is unknowable. But a single date is not a relationship, even when there is sex involved. A single date could be the starting point for whether or not a relationship happens, but level of intimacy is no way of predicting that.



It was a one night stand. You know it. She knows it. But people who were hoping for more will get very emotional. As you can see, her reaction was exactly analogous to the reaction of the poster in the other thread, and for the exact same reason.



If you don't want to hurt anyone then you need to make sure that you are both on the same trajectory before doing anything physical. If you both agree that it's "just this once" then that makes it a mutual one night stand. Or mutually passionate kissing. But if there is no prior agreement that you both definately want to either 1)see each other again or 2)this couldn't possibly work but let's have some fun just this once anyways then stick with a chaste kiss. Otherwise you will wind up either in the same situation you were before or you will wind up on the opposite end like the other poster. Either the one who causes the furious disappointment or the one who is furiously disappointed.

The catch is that even if you both think you are on the same page and have agreed that 1)you will definately see each other again or 2)it could never work but lets have fun just this once, minds can change, yours or hers. That's just the price we pay for being humans.

I feel like a lot of girls think that if they have sex with a guy then they're in some kind of relationship, but that's not true for every girl. I have a couple of close friends who this isn't true for. Personally, I don't really consider it a relationship until we actually bring up the subject and say we're boyf/girlf or exclusively dating or whatever. For instance, I've been seeing a guy for a while now...we haven't had sex but we've fooled around. We haven't talked about us dating or being in a relationship, so if he was seeing another girl I wouldn't hold it against him.

For a shorter answer...I don't think there's a defining physical act that universally implies you're in a relationship.

Your Aunt Agatha kisses you and everyone else she meets.
Game show hosts kiss the female contestants.
European officers kiss soldiers when they give them a medal.
At a wedding everyone wants to kiss the bride.
Your three year old niece kisses you.

You have to see these things in context.

Im pretty sure he meant a kiss during a date.

I think you should not get into impulsive situations like one night stands and instead say that you are looking for a casual relationship from the start. You will either get a drink poured over you, or you will find she wants the same thing.

Of course, it can always get complicated, it often does.

Of course, this is coming from an Aspie, who doesn't take anything as "implied", but I would not think sex implies anything but sex. If there is intimacy in terms of what you talk about, shared goals, shared ideas, shared thoughts, shared dreams, etc, even if the physical intimacy were less, I would consider that more of a "relationship" than a one night stand. A drunken encounter, IMO, is a drunken encounter, and if it were me (I don't drink much so it probably wouldn't be) I'd just outright ask because I suck at interpreting these things and I've gotten burned too many times by trying and I'm in my 40s and I don't try anymore.

An NT might see things a lot differently.

Kate

Let me tell you a good story.
I was in my early 20's and I met a girl at a church group. She was a sweet, pretty, shy girl.

We went to a couple of places together but I somehow got it into my head that she just saw me as a "friend" so I didn't make any moves on her.

One night when I took her home she shyly put her hands on my cheeks, kissed me on the lips and then turned around and ran into her building.

What a fool I was. Now I see that she really liked me. She did everything but hold up a big sign saying "I want you to be my boyfriend"

A few weeks later I met another girl who I eventually married.

But I can't help thinking about "the one who got away"
If I had taken the hint and kissed her back then my whole life since then would have been different.

Maybe better, maybe worse, but it wouldn't have been the same life.

I will always wonder and remember her with regret.

I can't help but laugh when there's a woman on a forum (elsewhere) who desperately wants to know why her boyfriend isn't as madly in love with her as she is with him... then when you find out more details, they've gone on one date, slept together, and he's not returning her repeatedly calls and texts. He's not calling? You don't say! But there are people who really don't understand that if you like a guy, you don't sleep with him on the first date. You spend your time getting to know him.

Anyway, there's no exact time-restricted rules to build expectations. It's always possible the couple who falls into bed on the first date will end up happily ever after. Meanwhile, there are perfectly well functioning asexual couples who don't have sex at all. Relationships are built by individuals and, as such, they are flawed and faulty, likely to fail but spectacular if they last and endure. Simple construction with a solid foundation builds the sturdiest, so focus on character and don't fuss too much with the physical. If you're attracted to her, that's important but the physical relationship does take care of itself. The important thing is not to mistake physical for the emotional, because the physical just doesn't build a sturdy relationship like the emotional does.

I'd even venture to say that if the sex is immediate, it's more than likely that the other person isn't that interested in a real relationship. You can check this just by saying, "Wait. I want to take this slow and really get to know each other." If that's not appealing to them and they aren't crazy about getting to know you, do you think there's much of a future there?

The Millionaire Matchmaker person, Patty, says that a man should know if he's going to marry a woman in the first year. He doesn't need to marry her within a year, but he should be able to know if he's willing to spend the rest of his life with her and be sure enough to ask for an engagement. So assuming there's some credibility to that statement, that time should be spent getting to know who this person actually is, instead of when a good time might be to make a move.