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Nikki82
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17 Feb 2011, 1:46 am

Just wondering what you think about being friends with an Ex boyfriend/girlfriend and has anyone done that here and been able to just be friends and for it to work out that way?
I have alot of issues including social anxiety disorder, OCD, and Depression, a possible learning disability, possible adhd, and i am pretty positive an ASD, and had tests done for all of that. I met a guy and we were seeing each other for months and we moved in together since he lived a distance away, then we started fighting alot and had problems and he decided to move out. After moving out we stayed friends through txt and he still wanted to talk to me and sometimes he was still talking sexual to me on the phone even though we werent seeing each other. He also wanted to move back in but i decided that wasnt a good idea. Our relationship was mostly physical and otherwise it was awkward on top of my social anxiety and other issues didn't help. I decided to stop talking to him and felt better and now he said he wanted to talk if i ever felt like talking again. I decided to talk to him again feeling like it was fresh and new and we could be just friends, but now i am in tears because things have changed and i don't deal good with change and i still have feelings for him deep down. Before we ever started dating we were great friends and the fact that it became more then just friends seemed to ruin our friendsship. Now i tried to take sometime away and thought i would be ok to talk to him as friends but now i am just sick to my stomach thinking about the good times and how things use to be and how they aren't the same anymore and i can't sleep and i am crying off and on. I don't want to tell him again that i don't want to talk after i agreed to talk to him, but maybe that is what i need to do to feel better. I guess i have expectations of him when we talk or in the back of my mind i think we will get back together and i know that isnt possible since he lives a distance away too. Just wondering if anyone else here has been in a similar situation?



abaisse
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17 Feb 2011, 1:52 am

I am still friends with most of ex-bfs. Some relationships were easy to put back to the friendship position. Others were awkward for awhile, but got better with time. I think only you can answer this question. If you feel bad or are hurt by maintaining the friendship, you should take a break and see where things are after you guys have had some space.



astaut
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17 Feb 2011, 2:11 am

I'm not friends with my exes. Two of them because they changed a lot soon after we broke up and I wasn't interested in being their friend, the other because I was angry at him/confused about my feelings when we broke up.

I have a friend in a situation very similar to yours, and she's finding it easier to not talk to her ex very much (if at all) and she's been trying to spend as much time with friends as possible instead. I would at least take a break from talking and see if that makes it easier in the long run.


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Pistonhead
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17 Feb 2011, 3:05 am

I'm friends with most of my exes.The ones I'm not friends with can starve to death for all I care. At least I'd like to think I hate them that much after what they've put me through. I'm more the opposite way. The relationship ruins the sex for me, not the sex ruins the relationship.


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pavel_filonov
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17 Feb 2011, 4:26 am

Well, I think its very possible, but only in certain circumstances. One of my best friends is an ex boyfriend, but then we were going out when we were 15. I think its made it easier to put it behind us, knowing that we were essentially still children. Since then there always seem to have been too many misgivings, it annoys me because there's one ex I'd love to be friends with, but I think he finds it too difficult.

In your situation, although its obviously up to you, I would say you need to leave it for a lot longer. I don't think its going to be good for you to see anyone who puts you through that much emotional turmoil - far too exhausting!
Don't feel you have to stay in touch because you've said you will - he should understand your need to go back on that, it happens to all of us.



wefunction
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17 Feb 2011, 7:39 am

It depends on the ex. I'm not BFFs with my abusive alcoholic ex-husband or my ex who concealed being full of STDs and constantly cheated on me. I tried being friends with the crazy one who thinks paying insurance premiums is like slavery and women should pay for their own rape kits because he wouldn't ever need one... but, obviously, that didn't work out! :wink:

I am friends with the cute irish painter/jujitsu boxer with whom I had the most horrible sex of my life (we mutually decided to never ever do that again), the man who reminded me I was human when I was married to my ex-husband, the boy I dated when I was 13, the other boy I dated when I was 13, one of the boys I dated when I was 18... and I think that's it. There might be more. Everybody's married with kids now, including myself. My husband's a little jealous over the painter/jujitsu boxer but we'd have no problems hanging out with any of the rest. It's that casual.

I'm even friends with my husband's first ex-wife.



Asp-Z
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17 Feb 2011, 12:03 pm

I'm not really friends with my of my exes these days. Occasionally I'll chat with them if they start the conversation, but other than that, I don't really make any contact. It's better like that in my experience.



The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Feb 2011, 12:13 pm

I am not friend with any of the ex'es too.

They just don't exist.



emlion
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17 Feb 2011, 12:14 pm

I never had an ex who was nice.



Bloodheart
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17 Feb 2011, 12:52 pm

I'm not exactly friends with ex's, just on speaking terms.

I have three ex boyfriends who are on the rock scene so there's no avoiding them thus it's easier to talk to them then purposefully ignore them, most of these were just jerks, one was abusive but it's still easier to talk to him on the odd occasions I see him. I then have three I totally ignore; one suddenly decided to start ignoring me so I reciprocate, one turned on me without reason so I avoid talking to him, and the last one was an cheating lying scum-bag so I don't speak to him at all, fortunately he's anti-social so I never see him. There are three I'm still friends with; one was a casual relationship where I was in control and he's the sort of person everyone is friends with so I'm still friends with him, one ex boyfriend was a good friend and is now a woman so she doesn't feel like an ex to me, and the other one was a best friend so I still try to remain friends with him. So that's three I'm okay with, three I don't talk to, and three I'm friends with - not bad going.

I think, OP, the problem is not that he's an ex or whether or not you should be friends with him, I think it is just that you need to sort your own head out and accept that things are not going to work with this person - you sound like you're grieving, and it sounds like he's not keeping things on the level. Talk to him and let him know what is happening, if he can keep it as friends-only and give you your space then great, but if not then you're perfectly within your rights to stop talking to him.


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simon_says
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17 Feb 2011, 3:43 pm

No, I don't maintain relationships of any sort.

I will have a current gf, and then a pool of people who I don't speak to and havent seen in years.



Autumnsteps
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17 Feb 2011, 4:35 pm

My kinda ex gf is my best friend, was before, still is and I hope always will be :) My children's dad I tolerate for their benefit, I don't care if I ever see him again personally



MidlifeAspie
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17 Feb 2011, 5:59 pm

I seem to remember this question coming up before and my taking a bit of a beating for my answer :)

No, I don't tend stay friends with exes. This is not always my own decision, but once it is made it is pretty irreversible.


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