Fear of commitment

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I find myself craving intimacy, companionship, sex as much as anyone but I am very reluctant to sacrifice the personal freedom that goes along with it (and I'm not talking about polyamory, I'm perfectly content with monogamy).

It just seems as soon as sex enters the equation I have to surrender all of my soverignty regarding how I spend my money, my time, what I eat, when I eat, what shoes I wear etc etc etc etc

I simply have no luck establishing reasonable boundaries-which quickly get trampled on to the extent that my only recourse is to do the "Aspie Split" and disappear for "no reason" (besides the fact that she has taken it as her sacred duty to micro-manage my life for me)

In short, there's always a power struggle in every relationship and I invariably lose - how can I compete when I'm at such a huge disadvantage vs NTs in this regard?

Start reading Self-help relationship books intended to help married people. These often discuss establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries while learning to work as a healthy partnership. There does not need to be a power struggle. This might sound crazy but you might just have to wait until you find someone who's emotionally healthy enough not to try to dominate every part of your life and will trust and respect you as an individual. After learning what reasonable boundaries are (from the marital workshop material), welcoming someone into your life who is willing to respect those boundaries will allow commitment to be easier.

People often say that all relationships are work. This is true. But not all relationships have to be hard work. In fact, they shouldn't be hard work at all. The hardest work right now might be the work you have to do on yourself to establish reasonable boundaries and have firm expectations that those boundaries will be respected.

Is it that you don't want to give up personal freedom, or is it that you are afraid to give up any freedom fearing that you will have to give it all up? Relationships take responsibility. In order to be responsible, you must give up some freedom. There's a balance.

Yeh, this!

Yeah, personal freedom is my issue too. When I am single I want a relationship. But once I am in a relationship I feel that my personal freedom is sacrificed one way or the other.

Are these people simply making suggestions / asking for compromises, or are they making demands? There's a difference between compromising on i.e. how money is spent or simply stating your preference vs. insisting that it is done a certain way and then throwing a tantrum if the other party won't do exactly what you say.

This.

That's been my experience to the extent that I can't even conceive of it being any other way: total, unquestionable, domination with dire consequences for disobedience.

I realize that this is not "normal", but it's created a sort of "phobia" and left me essentially clueless about what the proper balance is and how to achieve it; afraid of any sort of commitment whatsoever...

Have you tried dating someone else with AS? I have read many posts on WP during my time here. I also struggle with wondering how many AS/NT relationships can work. Perhaps being in a relationship with someone who craved as much independence and solitude as you do would solve your problem.

NTs do often want to do things with their partner, however not all of us are as clingy or controlling as what your post indicates. I am not controlling at all, I have my own interests, friends and a career. However, for me there is no point in being in a relationship if their is no partnership.

I think I have seen many posts that you have written about dating, your online dating profile, not being able to find anyone who holds your interest..that kind of thing.

I am not sure since you recently posted that no one holds your interest, how you could have found someone so quickly who has become clingly and now you have to disappear?

Most women who are on dating sites want a long term relationship. It seems to me that you want a casual relationship. You seem to want someone to spend time with on your own terms and to have sex with.

Perhaps you would do well with a woman with a very demanding career, who had no desire to settle down?

I have seen that sometimes people with AS seem to have this all or nothing way of doing things. I wonder if in the beginning you are so attentive you give the impression that you want a serious relationship and shower the new woman with attention. But then when the pendulum swings, your mood changes and you want your space.

I have a female co-worker with AS. She will be in my face for weeks, asking if I want to go to lunch daily and then all of a sudden she looks annoyed if I even walk by her office to say hi. She actually is the one who set the tone that we will eat together regularly, but then when her mood changes she needs her lunch breaks to run errands and acts very bizarre as if I am stalking her. This problem was easily solved, I have decided to be cordial to her, however I never seek her out and now decline her lunch invitations. I didn't like her insinuations that I was clingy. I'm perfectly capable of eating lunch on my own or eating with other people at work.

She has done this same type of thing to several of the women in our office and once I realized this was her pattern, I just wasn't interested in dealing with it.

Although that situation is different, I am wondering if there is a similiar pattern with those that you date? Could you actually be setting the tone of how the relationship will go in the beginning and then changing your mind? How often does your mood shift as your thoughts change and you find yourself interested in seeing the person that you have disappeared from again?

As far as the first paragraph goes, you might have dated the wrong women. I was never willing to let someone interfere in my life that way and I will never be. Maybe you attract very controlling women? I would run for the hills if someone would try to "micro-manage" my life as you say.

As for the last paragraph, maybe I was just very lucky, but I generally managed to avoid such power struggles, although I'm aware of them. As far as I'm concerned, either two people can find a balance that works for both or they should move on. It's what I always did and I'd rather be single than with someone who becomes a daily source of frustration and stress.

And I don't think it has anything to do with fear of commitment. I am deeply committed to my marriage, I just don't want to live with a tyrant

I would really like to, but I strongly believe it's demographically impossible and beyond practical consideration.



You sound pretty close to my ideal in this regard, I'm just looking for a sensible balance which may be somewhat skewed towards more "me" time in this case.



This post is not in response to anyone I've found, I hope to avoid having to disappear by not allowing things to get out of hand im the first place. Also, I was wondering if maybe I actually *could* develop some interest in someone if I wasn't so worried about being controlled.



Ideally I'm looking for an LTR too, but I would consider something more casual as long as there was a solid mutual understanding.



That sounds good, I actually met someone like that on OK Cupid - only she lives in the UK...



I'm not sure if that's an AS thing, but I can see some of that in my behavior.



Yes, this describes it very well



I think they are more accurately described as "thought swings" because they are more driven by logic than emotions, and yes, the pendulum often swings "back" to being interested in seeing them again, but usually it's too late by then - even if they would have me back, I still wouldn't try to reconcile for fear of hurting them again.

So you can see why a more open, casual relationship may be closer to the ideal in my case...

Grisha, try making a list of what you think is and isn't reasonable/acceptable in a relationship then find someone who agrees with them.

We're not talking marriage here, are we, when you talk of commitment? And you should get rid of the notion that a kiss is a license to run your life. Lordy, if that's how you feel about a kiss, then sex really will have you screwed (and not in a good way).

Shoot, rereading what I wrote and it strikes me how harsh it sounds. Apologies, Grisha, in case that's how it came across. I meant it with the best intention.

It didn't sound at all harsh to me, maybe I missed something?

I'm not really talking about marriage, just exclusivity and the obligation to try and understand the care and feeding of an NT...

Oh, uhm, in that case carry on then. And get cracking on that list.

Feeding? You had me looking at the keys on my cell. Can't be an accident. D is a few keys away from L.

Yes, I meant "feeding" it was a popular name for pet-owner manuals many years ago...

Yep. It's a shame the OP's on this kick where he's ignoring everything I write. Oh well.