So which is it?

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Whenever I've been trying to find a GF, everyone tells me that I need to stop trying and something will happen on its own. Then when I stop trying, and naturally nothing "happens on its own", everyone tells me its because I'm not looking. WTF people?!

You need to stop looking actively but be on the look-out and don't ignore oppurtunities...if that makes sense.

Look but don't look. Be aware when something comes along, but don't try to make something come along.

I think the best thing anyone can do in this regard is work on themselves, on their basic people and social skills. Try to fill in the other gaps in your life.

Things don't happen on their own. This is something that NT's say because they are oblivious to their own social programming and don't realize they do certain things and follow certain social rules. In other words, they are oblivious to their own social instruction set because it is an instinct level program.

Keep trying.

lmao, I see the paradox!

Um.. all I can say is that it's true... well, in my and my bf's case anyway (I'd just broken up, and he'd just given up)

I think the way it works is; you won't meet the other person when you're looking (because you'll be so busy looking for pre-concieved notions of Mr/Mrs Right that you'll miss the great person right under your nose).

But after you meet them, you still need to date them- and that's where 'nothing happens on its own' comes in; you need to ask them out/be aware of any signals they may be sending out.

Now yo're just saying the same things NTs keep telling me. How on Earth am I suposed to notice any "signals"? I'm an aspie for God's sake.

This is true

Things that NTs do automatically and don't call "trying", but you should do them too even if it takes effort

-saying "yes" as often as you can handle when people ask you if you want to go somewhere with them

-joining special interest groups and going to their meetings and events

-talking to people you don't know all that well


To you, all these things probably are in the category of "trying" because they take effort. NTs do these things whether they want a relationship or not and so call these things "not trying". It's different categories for the same actions.

Yes. If you're a guy on the spectrum looking for a woman, that advice can be bad. The NT version of "not trying" usually involves lots of other kinds of social contacts that can lead to meeting someone. If you don't have a big enough social circle or don't spend a lot of time with it, it's bad advice.

I meant like if a girl asks you out 'do you want to go on a date?' don't ignore that.

Search for what they are on the internet or buy a book on the subject. As long as you have your sight, if you know what it is you're supposed to be looking for, it's easier.

Here is how I see it.

1. If you make no effort to meet people, no girl is going to fall out of the sky and onto your lap

2. Don't look for a girlfriend. Look for friends, fun and an interesting life to share with others.

I'd add that going to those places and being observant and attempting to understand the behaviour of others is paramount.

I suspect that one of the reasons that aspies get so far behind in terms of being able to notice non verbals and the like, is that they are born with little 'natural' neurological interest in these signals, and then never develop an interest. They just filter all that stuff out, thinking of it as 'meaningless' NT stuff (noise).