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DeathGoth
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12 Feb 2011, 8:35 am

My and my current girlfreind had a conversation about cheating.

We would watch movies and i asked her what cheating meant to her. I thought cheating only consisted of having sex with someone, but she said its everything 2 people do while they are in a relationship..

I guess for her would be touching, kissing, feeling, playing, things of that nature. I told her my definition of sex is widely varied on how i view things so i thought cheating had to only do with having sex at that given time..

Anyway my question is What do you consider cheating. I am curious to what Apies have to say, I already know what NT people are going to say.. Something along the lines of if you look at someone sexually you might be cheating..(Yes i have heard this line before meeting my current girlfriend.)



leejosepho
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12 Feb 2011, 8:43 am

Alienation of affection -- giving affection due or promised to one person to someone else instead.


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DeathGoth
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12 Feb 2011, 8:48 am

So your saying basically everything is considered cheating?

Except handshaking?

And I like your sig, its awesome.



Jonsi
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12 Feb 2011, 9:03 am

It's being romantic with a person that isn't your girlfriend. Flirting included.



leejosepho
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12 Feb 2011, 9:14 am

DeathGoth wrote:
So your saying basically everything is considered cheating?

Except handshaking?

And I like your sig, its awesome.

For the sig comment, I thank you.

I do not think there is necessarily a standard list of "no nos" that can fit each and every relationship, but I do think it is up to me to know what my wife personally needs, wants and/or expects ... and to then be sure I do not rob her of those things either by giving them away elsewhere or by forcing her to share those affections I have promised to her alone. So then, and even though I do not believe this is entirely reliable in the end, I would say your own "significant other" decides what is cheating for you and you decide what is cheating for him or for her ... and if/when the two of you cannot agree about all of that and keep your own personal commitments, I would say you really have no meaningful relationship at all.


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wefunction
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12 Feb 2011, 10:34 am

My husband once told me about a bachelor party he'd had where he made out with a girl.

"So you cheated." I said
"No, that's not cheating." He replied.
"So I can make out with someone?"
"No. I was drunk."
"So as long as I'm drunk I can make out with someone?"
"Alright, fine, it was cheating."

People like to justify their actions to escape wrongdoing. I cheated and people usually understand why I cheated on my ex-husband and are supportive of me, but I don't think that absolves me of responsibility. I should have left. I don't know if I could have left until I remembered that I was human and not worthy of abuse, but the bottom line is that I was a grown woman and should have left.

I think cheating covers a very wide area. I see it an interference of intimacy. This means that cheating can be sex or it can be flirting online. It really depends on where the individuals in the relationship draw the line. Women hit on my husband a lot. There was a server at Beef O'Brady's who completely ignored me and only flirted with my husband. That was six years ago and we haven't eaten there since. I can't control other people but he knows that if he entertained or welcomed that attention from women, I'd be upset. There really must be respect for one's partner. Even if one knows that flirting would be harmless and would never go anywhere, if one's partner is upset by it, the flirting should stop.



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12 Feb 2011, 11:53 am

To some cheating only means having sex with someone else, to some cheating includes kissing, to some kissing on the cheek is OK but not otherwise, to some cheating includes flirting, to some certain types of flirting are OK but not others, to some it includes ever having a sexual thought about someone else (which would make everyone who isn't superhuman a cheater)... ugh... and people wonder why I avoid the razorwire labyrinth known as serious relationships altogether anymore.



Mar1976
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12 Feb 2011, 12:22 pm

What about an emotional attachment to someone else? Wouldn't that be considered cheating?
Say you had a friend (or whatever), that had always been just a social relationship, and then develops into a more emotionally intimate relationship and despite 'the sex' never happening, the chemistry for it is there. Is that cheating? Or, maybe I'm just making it too complicated

But I agree that kissing and touching would be considered cheating because they are intimate actions; but maybe more forgivable than sex?



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12 Feb 2011, 1:31 pm

A good definition of "cheating": Any behaviour or action that you would not engage in (with someone who's not your partner) in the presence of your partner.


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12 Feb 2011, 2:22 pm

Mar1976 wrote:
What about an emotional attachment to someone else? Wouldn't that be considered cheating?
Say you had a friend (or whatever), that had always been just a social relationship, and then develops into a more emotionally intimate relationship and despite 'the sex' never happening, the chemistry for it is there. Is that cheating? Or, maybe I'm just making it too complicated

But I agree that kissing and touching would be considered cheating because they are intimate actions; but maybe more forgivable than sex?

I would say it depends on what you feel about it: if you think it will pass and you put your head to making it pass and succeed ( slapping yourself or stopping your relationship with your friend, whatever it takes), it's not cheating. If you think the relationship with your friend might turn to love, and still encourage it and nurture those feelings knowing that it could damage your current relationship, you're cheating. ( that's just my point of view ofc)
edit: for me, putting your hands on someone's cheecks , looking at her in the eyes tenderly, and giving her a soft kiss, is less forgiveable than meaningless sex with a random stranger.



Mar1976
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12 Feb 2011, 7:13 pm

leejosepho wrote:
DeathGoth wrote:
So your saying basically everything is considered cheating?

Except handshaking?

And I like your sig, its awesome.

For the sig comment, I thank you.

I do not think there is necessarily a standard list of "no nos" that can fit each and every relationship, but I do think it is up to me to know what my wife personally needs, wants and/or expects ... and to then be sure I do not rob her of those things either by giving them away elsewhere or by forcing her to share those affections I have promised to her alone. So then, and even though I do not believe this is entirely reliable in the end, I would say your own "significant other" decides what is cheating for you and you decide what is cheating for him or for her ... and if/when the two of you cannot agree about all of that and keep your own personal commitments, I would say you really have no meaningful relationship at all.


I think that sums it up very eloquently



wefunction
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12 Feb 2011, 8:37 pm

LabPet wrote:
A good definition of "cheating": Any behaviour or action that you would not engage in (with someone who's not your partner) in the presence of your partner.


Generally speaking, sure. But I had an ex who wanted to do all those things in front of me and even peeped on me after we broke up and I started dating someone else. Even if I was adventurous enough to go along with all the swinging things he wanted to do, I still think he would've cheated on me because he couldn't stop putting his peenie into everything available. As obnoxious as that sounds, I'm pretty sure he isn't the only person like that. So, sometimes that definition doesn't apply and people will do whatever they want to do no matter who it hurts.



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13 Feb 2011, 12:53 am

I think the word "cheating" sounds really funny, and I'm embarrassed to say it myself. :roll:



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13 Feb 2011, 1:23 am

leejosepho wrote:
Alienation of affection -- giving affection due or promised to one person to someone else instead.


Yep. That is a good enough definition for me.



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01 Mar 2011, 8:42 am

Cheating is where one partner violates an agreed-upon boundary behind his or her partner's back.

If I found my boyfriend was cuddling and being emotionally intimate with another woman, it'd devastate me,
whereas other couples have open relationships where they knowingly engage in sex with other people.

For me, cheating is physical affection or flirting with another person, kissing, dates....any of the things that are unique to our relationship that we don't do with friends.


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01 Mar 2011, 12:27 pm

DeathGoth wrote:
My and my current girlfreind had a conversation about cheating.

We would watch movies and i asked her what cheating meant to her. I thought cheating only consisted of having sex with someone, but she said its everything 2 people do while they are in a relationship..

I guess for her would be touching, kissing, feeling, playing, things of that nature. I told her my definition of sex is widely varied on how i view things so i thought cheating had to only do with having sex at that given time..

Anyway my question is What do you consider cheating. I am curious to what Apies have to say, I already know what NT people are going to say.. Something along the lines of if you look at someone sexually you might be cheating..(Yes i have heard this line before meeting my current girlfriend.)


I agree with your girlfriend.