Teenager- Dealing with jealousy

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I am a fifteen year old boy, and I've known that I have AS since the age of ten, although I was diagnosed much earlier (something I still have hurt feelings over, but that's another thing). In secondary (high) school, I haven't been fantastically successful on the social side of life, but I could be doing a lot worse; I'm in a sort-of friendship crowd who I occasionally meet with outside of school (like 3-4 times in a year). Anyway, I've always held the idea of dating as teenagers with some cynicism, never getting drawn into who-likes-who gossip or taking any of the relationships my friends have seriously. However, I have been attracted to a friend for as long as I've known her. I never considered approaching her, but my feelings became increasingly intense as the months passed, until I ended up openly sharing them with another female friend. She was sympathetic but honest with me- she said that she couldn't see anything coming of it and I had best try to get over my infatuation. That was a year ago- since then, I've tried to do just that, and have been faking this outward image of asexuality and disinterest whilst virtually everyone around me has been someone's boyfriend/girlfriend at some point. Recently, the girl whom I am infatuated with has begun a relationship with somebody who I work with on the city youth parliament. His interests are politics and music, and he shares the same views on them as me. He's almost like the person I could be if I wasn't on the spectrum. When I found out, all my self-deception shattered violently. I was genuinely horrified, and nearly physically ill. I am stunned at my reaction, because it wasn't as if I hadn't imagined something like this. I have reached the conclusion that being emotionally invested in this person is a serious problem, but I don't know how to deal with it, and there is no one I feel I can turn to. If anyone on this forum has any advice on this, I would be hugely grateful. I'm not so much interested in "getting the girl" as I am in being able to detach myself enough from these feelings so they are not a legitimate problem for me. Thank you.

I know how you feel (felt) dude, it's a horrible feeling to be jealous....but all I can say is that you can "never" trust advice, no matter how good it is...since people can be seriously wrong about their opinions...

I'd say to try and forget about this girl, if only for a little while and focus on your social aspects...since it can REALLY bring you down if you don't get over it.

This is, of course, my own opinon and advice that may or may not work...but I hope you feel better if you do follow my advice.

The anger, frustration and jealousy you feel is natural. I wouldn't be surprised if you felt heartbroken, too. Even though it makes perfect sense that she'd start a relationship with someone eventually, it doesn't make it feel any less unfair. It's the time now to let go of her and move on. You do not have to stop loving her for who she is, you just have to love and respect her enough to let her have this relationship without interfering and then you have to love and respect yourself enough to pull yourself back together and move on. You don't have to be romantically involved with everyone that you love. There are a lot of genuine, wonderful people in the world and you can love every one of them. If she's your first love, she'll always be special in your heart so keep it a good feeling and don't build up resentment toward her because she did what she wanted to do. This was a big shock and it can feel hard to even breathe sometimes but you will be okay.

What does jealousy actually feel like? I'm not very sure.

Like fear and anger at the same time.

Writing my situation out like that has already helped me slightly. I will try to move on from her- well, I've been trying for ages, but I guess I've got more chance of doing so now that I have a solid reason for it.

Hmm, never felt anything like that before.

I don't think trying to shut off your emotions to avoid social situations you don't know how to deal with is a viable or fair coping mechanism.

Take note there is something to be learned here: Approach the girl you like when you have the chance, fairly early on in the relationship, before you have too much invested emotionally.

She might say yes, and then again, she might say no, but you need to be able to take the answer either way (thus doing it at a point when "no" wouldn't hurt too much).

You also have an advantage in being young in that as a 15 year old you haven't yet missed a lot of social opportunities that people with AS tend to miss and you have more opportunities to develop yourself socially and experiment with dating. If you try to shut yourself off you will really just end up missing out on all of this and being bitter the rest of your life and wishing you had a second chance to take the opportunities you didn't take.

Find a girl you kind of like and try dating her for a while. At this stage, relationships tend not to last long and you will probably end up breaking up with whichever girl you start dating within 3-9 months, and the same goes for the girl you really like, so it's not as if you have absolutely no chance with her in the future.

Another bit of advice is never do anything to tarnish your reputation to a girl who has turned you down, because as long as she has no negative memories of you, should you meet again sometime in the future and you still have feelings for her, she might be receptive to dating you....people change drastically between the ages of 15 and 25.

This. IMO, you should have asked her out (and hey, we all make mistakes, and that's a good thing if you learn from them).

At the moment, just remember that they probably won't be going out with each other for too long (just judging by what usually happens in teenage relationships), and when they do break up, try and get together with her at home point.

And a word of general advice: faking apathy to make yourself feel better never works in the long term. I've learnt that one myself, too.

I'm just one year older than you, OP, so I can sympathise with your situation.