Met a girl.

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So I met a girl, or well.. I didn't really meet her, I saw her butt. Now, before anyone goes all wacky - it wasn't really a perverted moment, it was sort of a odd moment. It all begun when I went to get something to eat. I saw her - but not her face, but I saw her back - and I saw her face but I didn't look at it and I thought nothing of the moment. But after a few times going back I saw her face, and I have to say - she is in no way perfect. Which annoys me in some nonconstructive way. Yet she was clearly hitting on me after I came a few times - so with all my might I gathered up my courage in the clashing and banging of the restaurant, even with people standing behind me in line; and with great effort I managed to expel a single word from my lips. Which turned out was just a "eh" or could be perceived as a common grunt really, but I meant it in a "yes" tone, which I suppose is better than saying nothing at all. After this time I was busy for a few weeks, and went back - but she had switched stores. Yet, after time I bumped into her again months later (she must have come back for a day). I saw her, and - she had straightened her hair (! !! !)... so I think it was her but couldn't recognize her which threw me off and I didn't really speak to her. Anyways, this whole fiasco has irritated me for the past 6 months, which is longer than it should. But simply put - the smile, the body, the attitude - I believe I fell in love somehow even before I saw her turn around.


Yet I find myself torn between what I want and whats possible, what she would need and what I need. If I would make her cry, make her happy - make her sad? The emotional parts of life aren't clear enough for me to understand, the romance isn't physical enough to grasp, and the passion isn't conclusive enough to study. Yet theres a void there, a want and a need. I'm here just trying to justify my simple existence which seems torn between gadgets and unreliable love...

Here I am, a simple person, with simple beliefs, and a lax personality. With a need for love - and a need for companionship. Yet all I have is a shallow heart, and a mind that can't even remember that girls face in enough detail to not be confused... I hate myself.

Do you know if she even wants to be with you or has any interest in you? I think that's the first thing you need to figure out.

Theres a tonal difference between friendly and "pay attention to me". A emphasis on making conversation rather than just asking how things are going. But if she likes me or not really isn't the issue, it started with a question from her - she asked why I never seem that nice, I told her I'm actually a really nice guy - she then screamed (I won't use caps) "well, your never nice to me" in a cute questioning tone, which I should have taken as "be nice now" and done as such. But, along with my nature I've stayed quiet - almost indefinitely. I'm unsure if this post really even has anything to do with her, or me - or just venting excess emotion. I just feel, unsettled, I can't just move on. I can't forget...

Love, hate, it doesn't matter at all. Its not feeling I feel, its a dismissal of feelings I feel. Its pushing emotion away that is bothering me. I am not in love, I am not wanting... I don't even want to go back! Her eyes meet mine and her smile goes from happy to "hi". I don't know how to handle that! There is a unadulterated feeling of well being, a lacking of context or rationality where only a single emotion remains and it scares the living daylight out of me. And even "for here or to go", turns into a chronically complicated question. Here means stay, go means go...

But try not to let me dramatize the facts, I just enjoy writing sometimes it makes me feel happy. I don't know if she wants to be with me, and I don't know if I want to be with her, but in general I don't even know what she looks like. And typically I make a horrible stalker, I'd much rather stay home, so no worries.