dating anxiety

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does anyone have any good tips/advice on getting rid of anxiety surounding dating?

Im a very anxious person and find most things anxiety provoking esp social things. I find my anxiety makes initiating relationships very difficult, I get so stressed about it that I make myself 'come across' very poorly (crazy and unhinged). It also feels horrible and makes me want to avoid anything dating asociated (such as dating sites, dates, men lol).

Im of mostly the opinion that dating is not for me and I should just avoid all men but I recognise that is not healthy and is self sabotaging and making things not happy for myself.

anyway any advice welcome.

get drunk.

serious advice; don't put too much pressure on yourself.

other than that i'm clueless.

In all seriousness remove the etique and social expectations of your encounter being a date. It's probably one of the most challenging social encounters from an aspie perspective. Special interests give you a common ground of interaction. It's probably the next thing down in terms of difficulty of just going up to people in a public place/pub/club etc and talking to a stranger at random.

The aspie I met recently we were both absolutely awkward around each other until we just mutually agreed lets ditch this "dating" business and just speak to each other as human beings sharing common interests.

Made things 10,000x easier. Although I can't imagine that route is effective for everyone I think it helps if you don't place expectations, rituals and social etique above your natural behaviour. We are a poor immitation of that normality of conversation most NT's take for granted.

Have fun and don't care about the outcome. If you strain yourself trying to make a good impression, it's gunna suck. Even if she ends up liking you.

However, if you focus on enjoying the moment, it's still fun. No matter what happens afterward.

Well dating sites were not for me. I can see why i've avoided them in the past through my recent experiances. It's not the way i'm going to meet people unless its through clumsy calamities like my experiance earlier this month has proved to me

The special interest group is a more ideal setting for meeting people and I think its far less stressful personally if you enjoy something and passionate about it.
You said you used to go along to Amnesty International groups? Were they communties which you enjoyed to be around? I'm going to be giving those groups a try soon because I probably would really enjoy getting properly into political activism. Especially as I enjoy debating, even if i am just a listener more then a participator.

I don't think its that you dislike meeting people lotusblossom. I think your issue is you have not got a mechanism or a path to follow in the event someone says something to you that you find repugnant, offensive or just down right disagree with. So a loose phrase someone has said in jest or a silly thing someone has said gets hyper-exajerrated and before you know it the adrenalin is hitting on and the stress and anger levels are rising and there is only one way for them to go.

So because of this most of your attempts at friendship/relationships have been a negative experiance only reinforced by what people have said and the poor way in which people rather than showing you empathy have all snuck off and had a good bitchin' session like our old dear friends on aspie village probably still do when their not discussing croche bubble hat knitting. I imagine that there have been times people have felt like they are trying to walk over glass making sure they do not say the wrong "triggers" but that is human for mistakes and misunderstandings to occur and we kinda have to compenstate for that to some degree. Clearly people also say stupid things and REALLY mean it so for some people, being pissed off is the right reaction entirely!

For example. There have been times a certain aspie friends of mine have said things I've found rather hurtful or offensive or just downright annoying. Now rather then do what I would like to do instinctively I have a kinda ying and yang ping-pong dual take place in my mind as my more rationale side deflates my inate emotional side. And it kinda allows me to hold the opposite view or be quite tolerant of someone saying something that if i let my emotions take over would probably lead me to explode in rage and anger or snap and say something that would cause irrepairable damage to that friendship.

So a phrase said in a rather loose way by someone I am speaking too does not get blown out of proportion into a great big slagging match. It's allowed to de-escalate in my mind internally and not externally in my body language or conversation.

I don't know if thats something you feel is a barrier? Or whether you even want to learn some kind of technique or strategy to deal with those situations. But I think that is by far your biggest barrier to meeting people. I also think theres nothing wrong with being honest that you find meeting people in groups quite a stressful and exhausting process. Putting on a front in order to compromise and satisfy the needs of others ain't the great basis for any kind of social venture.

I think what i've said is probably more of a long term pointer not a short term immediate situation to your original post.

It would be helpful to de-escilate the situation you are walking into by maybe not labelling it as. This is a date, we therefore have to behave in the way "dating" works. Percieve it as I am meeting someone and whatever is mean't to be will be. Hopefully the other person will be receptive to you if your somewhat nervous but if that person is not picking up your discomfort then maybe it is indication that you do not perhaps gel together.

can a mod remove this thread its made me lots more anxous and upset.