afraid that it's impossible for me to form a relationship

Post Reply New Topic

I'm 18 and I'd really like to have a rleationship but I've never had a girlfriend in my life or even met a girl who seems romantically interested in me. I'm worried that it's not because I'm unattractive or awkward (both of which I am) but because I'm incapable of emotionally connecting with other people.

I have a pretty mild case of Asperger's that I've never really thought much about but I have awkward mannerisms and I'm not good at making friends. I always hear about how people with Asperger's have trouble forming interpersonal relationships, which I certainly do. People always talk about how they "clicked" with their girlfriend when they first met her. I've never really had that kind of a connection with anyone and I couldn't imagine me and another person being mutually attracted to each other enough to have a relationship. I try approaching girls from time to time and usually they're happy to talk to me but that's about it. They either become my friend/acquaintance or we never really see each other again. Now I'm starting to feel like there's something inside of me that makes me just not able to form a relationship with someone beyond simple friendship. I've always really wanted a girl who I can have closeness and intimacy with but I'm starting to feel like it's not possible for me to achieve that. Is there hope for me? I really don't want to live the rest of my life if I need to spend it alone. I know I'm still young but I've heard of people spending their whole lives alone and I kind of feel like I'm on that track.

I suggest you build some self-esteem, most girls at your age want stereo-typical male behaviour - looks are really second. They want someone they feel safe at.
Yes being masculine, but able to reciprocate with the girls/women or atleast the willingness to do so.

Concerning other males:
Not saying you need ten-ton muscles, but knowing how you apply intimidation or passive-agressive behaviour helps alot when you are not the physical type. For fighting sports i'd suggest aikido so you can atleast defend yourself needless of your physical typology.

I used to feel like that when I was young. The only remedy is practice. As you develop more charm and ease, women will naturally find you more attractive. You'll need to take some lumps as you develop those skills. There is no other way.

If you start now, you'll be well ahead of many aspies.

Wish I could help but im on the same boat.

Never really heard of that martial art before. From what I've heard, read, and seen, Jiu-Jitsu is a more effective technique. As to regards to fashion, buying a couple TapouT or Affliction shirts definitely wouldn't hurt either (from my experience;)

Aikido is Nightwing(Dick Grayson/the original Robin's) favorite martial art. Just a useless fact for you guys.

All the stuff about building self-esteem and experience is good advice but I still kind of feel like I'm just plain missing the ability to connect with people beyond a simple friendship and I'm worried that I'm romantically hopeless as a result. No amount of practice or experience could fix that. Is it possible for a person to be seemingly fully functional but to be incapable of forming relationships?

Also, let's not let this turn into a martial arts discussion.

I was like that right into my early 20s. I had friends at that age who actually said to me that they couldnt imagine me with a woman. I can't comment on what they were seeing as I dont know. But while I was delayed, I was able to learn the skills required and likely have more experience than they do today.

But it's not just experience. It's a blend of experience and readiness. There was an age where experience would not have helped me. At least I think not. There was some kind of internal readiness and maturity (I dont know what to call it) that was also required. Once I had that, I rapidly gained experience by putting myself out there.

My BF also has mild AS and says the same thing. We didn't really "click" right away (or, at least, he didn't ) and I actually used to freak him out a little bit during the "infatuation period," because he didn't reciprocate it. He apparently doesn't have infatuation periods at the beginnings of relationships and instead gets attached to people very gradually over time. He says that, for him, this is mainly due to a comfort / anxiety issue. He feels anxious around people he doesn't know well and really only feels attached to people once he's convinced that he knows their true personalities, since then he feels comfortable enough to be himself around them and can predict how they might behave. But it's not like he can't form strong bonds--it just takes him a long time. He says it's just very difficult to "click" with people or form strong emotional bonds quickly when he's feeling anxious, because it overwhelms his other emotions. Is this possibly something similar for you?

You have received some helpful advice on this thread but I just need to say my story as a caution. I am 41 years-old with Aspergers and never had a girlfriend or ever dated in my life. The worst case scenario can happen, just make sure you don't have the bad luck and take appropriate action to make sure that it doesn't.

It's not impossible. You'll see. I know that sounds very simplistic, but you're very young and surely you must have some stuff going for you. The girls who are worth it do not just want you to behave like a stereotypical male. Be yourself because the wait is worth it. The only really common thing is that girls will usually want you to make the first move.

How did you get into that position? What should I do that you didn't?



I would never "act like a stereotypical male" just to impress girls, but I've been myself for 18 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I know I'm still young but I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for something that will never happen. I know that girls want me to make the first move and I do try to approach and talk to girls from time to time and they're usually happy to talk but there never seems to be anything more than that. I'm worried that I lack whatever other people have that creates that initial attraction that goes on with other people.

Thanks for the help everyone!

This is me to a T.

The problem is, by the time i am ever comfortable enough in trying to form a relationship with someone, they've moved on. I'm too slow for the whole entire world...

Sorry for skipping over this. I only feel that I've connected with someone once I see that they're comfortable around me and genuinely enjoy being around me, which usually only happens over time with me. I've never really had an instant connection with someone. For example, there was a girl who I really liked who always seemed happy to talk to me (she'd actually converse instead of just giving one-word answers) but she always seemed kind of quiet and not that enthusiastic. Eventually she started opening up to me more (more enthusiastic tone, telling me about herself and what she's up to without me having to ask, laughing at my jokes) but at that point it seemed like she didn't view me as anything more than a friend.

Don't worry, taxidriver! I used to have exactly the same thoughts about myself but then one day, I met an amazing woman who accepted me for being me. My advice to you would be to just relax, be yourself and remember it's not a race. If you feel you should have to pretend to be something you're not just to impress a girl, she probably isn't the girl for you. If she's meant to be, it should feel more or less effortless.
I do know that Asperger's can make certain social situations intimidating, but you must have hobbies, areas of interest and things you are good at. Socializing is nowhere near as intimidating if it's for something you genuinely enjoy doing. There are all sorts of clubs, teams, or societies you could join that focus on all kinds of different subjects. Maybe in situations like that where you'd feel more comfortable, you'd be more likely to make friends and even a girlfriend.