New boyfriend, and we can't seem to talk about anything

Post Reply New Topic

No seriously,

There's this guy in tech class, who had this crush on me. Despite it being a 9 man class, I never opened up to anyone..but him. He was a very sweet guy who offered to help me with my classwork. I only considered him as just a guy in my class. I didn't like to commit to friendships unless another wanted to. Then somehow, I accidentally gave him a portable skype program with my username on it. He added me, and I had no problem with it. Then this afternoon, he IM'd me. I got him into League of Legends, and helped him play. He was doing pretty well, considering it's his first time. Then on Skype, he told me, that he was in love with me. He wanted to get intimate with me. THAT part came out of nowhere. I didn't like him, at first, but I kept an open mind and said, "let's get to know each other first".

I don't crush on people easily. If someone likes me, I can't say no, but to give him a chance. Overtime, I might grow to like him back. Who knows? He might be a nice guy, which in turn, he did.

We "sort of" got to know each other. Lunch time, he bought me a slice of Pizza and a drink. We never spoke to each other, despite having the same interests. It's like we broke a record of the longest awkward silence between a guy and a girl. He even admitted to being shy around other girls, and I'm the very same with guys. I could talk about our interests, but conversations like that only last 30 seconds. There was LITERALLY nothing to talk about. Made sense, I guess. After class ended, we talk about "stuff", he even found a way to find out where someone lives just by someone's cell phone number. Despite all of that, he seemed like a gentleman to me. I do have a soft spot for gentlemen. He texted me that I wanted to hold me, but could never bring himself to do it, even after we were declared together. I did remember that I DETEST being touched without warning. It's very creepy.

What I noticed is, we seemed to be more comfortable talking online rather than face to face. I'm never used to being flirted with, but at times instead of talking about C++, Visual Basic, or the next episode of Naruto, it's occasionally "I like your body." or "You're cute" and maybe along the lines of "what do you like about me?" At first, it came off to me as perverted. Yes, I was uncomfortable, because I never got used to the idea of flirting. Maybe this is how NT males behave around females, that I'll get used to eventually. I never considered him a pervert, because he was always there to help me with my assignments.

Despite that, we were declared boyfriend and girlfriend. We just need to start working on breaking the silence. My question is, how do we do it? How can I get more comfortable talking to him, in where I was never comfortable talking to anyone to begin with.

I'm not sure if this will help, but have you tried talking about interests that you don't share? Like, okay, you both like Naruto. Is there an anime you like that he hasn't seen yet? You can try talking to him about that, try to convince him to watch it with you, etc.

One thing that I find helps with new people(even though he's not really new, but oh well) is to plan ahead. Think a day before about topics to bring up to him. Like, let's say you see something amusing on TV, or in school. Try to set that aside in your mind and talk to him about it.

Personally, I have a tendency to store topics and share them with everyone that I talk to(all five people!). It gets to be a bit annoying, though, when I'm trying to tell person #4 a story, and person #3 has already heard it, but oh well. Just please, for the world's sake, don't become like my friend and his girlfriend. Listening to one of their conversations is just horrible, because all they do is quote movie/tv show lines to eachother, and they never identify it as such until they go "What, you haven't seen Big Bang Theory?"

i think the problem is not that you dont love each other enough, but that you have not learned yet, how to show another person your feelings. The feelings are there, but you dont know how to show it, besides saying "hi i love you". Showing feelings is done via nonverbal communication, eye contact and soon, but also in a verbal way, by chitchating about dull things, not serious tech stuff or so, but talking about noncompilcated things, like in a smalltalk.

Another thing which might stop you from talking is, if you have a similar thinking style as i had. When someone says something i always try to find a mismatch, i try to evaluate its truth by finding some case where the statement is not true. And then say so. This obsession to differentiate is good for scientists, but bad for building a relationship, because there it is important to find things you go in common, and thus form a common identity, make out of two persons one.

hope this helps,
anton

From the sound of the post the relationship sounds like it is going way too fast. Don't go do anything 'intimate' with him just yet.. Just saying he loves you out of the blue like that is generally is HUGE RED FLAG that he will become clingy and possessive in the future. However, you can't use general information to judge one person. I would tread very lightly if I were you though.

Okay, pardon my cynicism here, but it irritates me when teens say that they "love each other" when they barely know each other. I'm not denying that they can fall in love (although my cynicism makes me cautious when I here people say that, even when they are in a relationship) but someone who barely knows you saying it... I don't like it. I've felt that way myself before, I admit, but in hindsight that wasn't love. It was infatuation.

All I'll say is that the fact that he is insisting on getting physical with you from the first time around is a huge red flag. He said to you he is shy around girls.. but he isnt shy about telling you right off the bat he wants to get intimate with you and keeps showering you compliments about your physical attributes? c'mon now.

I've said this in another thread and I'll say it again: women fake orgasms for the sake of a relationship, men fake relationships for the sake of an orgasm.

I'd say if he sticks with you for 6 months without any intimate rewards then he may not be playing you. If he leaves within a month or two then you know he was playing you.

If you don't want to get physical, DON'T. It's very wrong to pressure someone into that. You should only get intimate if you have those feelings for the other person. Now, from your words, it seems more likely that you don't have those feelings yet, and should probably wait. Just because he wants to and is a nice enough guy shouldn't be a reason. If you want to keep dating him and see if those feelings develop, go ahead. If he's unwilling to wait and continues to pressure you, you should probably stop seeing him.

On the other hand, you should also be honest with yourself and ask if you don't have those feelings or if you do but are simply afraid of expressing them. If fear and anxiety are the reason you don't want the relationship to escalate, you probably want to examine the reasons for that and focus on what you're afraid of and why, just in order to know yourself better so that somewhere down the road you can be ready for a relationship. Based on what you wrote, I don't think that's the case, but it's something to be aware of.

The guy sounds really really nerdy and somewhat immature. He sounds like he's a very computers and math oriented guy, so conversation isn't going to be his strong suit regardless. He may want to get physical because he's bad with words and knows it, so he's trying to express his feelings another way. Being physical doesn't have to mean sex, it can be kissing/hugging/etc. Ultimately, you're either attracted to the guy or you're not, and if you're not, don't let him pressure you into anything.

This guy seems a lot like me, a sociopath, so I'd say get out of the relationship now. Like someone already said, he's narcissistic, and is manipulating you, and so far succeeding. I know, I've done almost the exact same thing before.

why are you such narccistic and maniuplative?

Yes this does all sound rather weird. My cynicism aside, I'd love for this to be real (I'm both a cynic and a romantic--don't ask how). I'd like to think this is some shy, awkward guy. But I have a hard time imagining someone like that being genuine if they're also asking to get physical that quickly. Mind you, that might be just me, who finds even the thought of sex to be scary. But still. Surely normal NTs people don't preface asking you out with that? Still, I'd like to think that I'm wrong.