Faithfulness?

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Is it instinctual? Does it come naturally to you? When you're romantically committed to someone, do feelings toward other people just evaporate?

Why is this so elusive? Why doesn't it come naturally to me? I try ... hard. But, it seems like I shouldn't have to try -- and especially not hard. I'd like it to be easy. Isn't that the whole point?

Here's where I am with this. My current GF and I have been together for 5 years, and we've lived together for 3. There is not a shadow of a doubt that I LOVE HER TO DEATH and would do anything for her. She's brilliant, gorgeous, positive, supportive, funny, talented, mature, non-judgmental, well-educated, totally put together, and completely devoid of drama and B.S. She has got the biggest personality I've ever known, is the best and most loyal friend I've ever had, and we get along better than I thought any two people ever could. In 5 years we have never had a fight, argument, disagreement -- nothing. No friction whatsoever. We live literally on top of each other in a 400 sq. ft. apartment and are never in each other's way. She tells me she loves me 18 times a day, and everything she does is essentially perfect. If I had the opportunity to design a woman for me from scratch, she is exactly who I'd come up with. If this sounds too good to be true, well, it's not.

So, what could POSSIBLY be the problem? I become romantically attracted to virtually every woman I spend any amount of time with. And, since I find men boring and women fascinating, that means I'm romantically attracted to virtually everyone I know. I have more crushes and secret little love interests and failed "strictly platonic" relationships than I can keep track of. It's disgusting and awful, and it makes me feel horrible about myself. I have never cheated on my GF -- at least not in any kind of physical way. But, what about these "emotional affairs"? I'm having them all over town! (And this is a big town.) Yes, I'm an emotional slut -- as promiscuous as they come. And, believe me, these are not harmless, despite the fact that physical boundaries are never crossed. Every one of them chips away just a little at what I consider far and away the most valuable thing in my life. What would make me so self-destructive? I think I want every woman I meet to fall in love with me. And I get slightly offended when they don't! But, the biggest offense I reserve for married women (i.e., those who affirmatively chose someone else). Seriously, wedding rings -- even on women I've never met -- at least subconsciously kind of infuriate me. (God, I feel like some ridiculous character out of a cheesy Camus novel.)

I'm sort of inclined to say that this is part of my overall bearing in life, which is to travel from one addiction to the next -- never satisfied until I've pushed whatever it is to its absolute breaking point: alcohol, drugs, food, money, sex, etc., etc., etc. If I thought that this was just a matter of willpower, then I'd leave it there. But, I think it may go beyond that -- like to something pretty fundamentally wrong. Does anyone identify with this, even the teensiest bit?

You might find the advice columnist "Dan Savage" of Savage Love has an interesting response to the question, "Can I be totally in love with my current boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover/partner but still have sexual feelings and attractions to other people even though my current boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover/partner is gorgeous and sexy and perfect in every way?

Savage's answer is "Yes." This is normal. He has spoken about this in his columns - which you can google.

I will give my personal opinion on the matter:



The dilemma is what to do with these normal feelings. Let's look at our choices:

1) Recognize that it is normal to find other people sexually attractive, acknowledge these feelings to yourself and fully keep these feelings a part of your private thoughts (i.e. not let the current lover know and not let the objects of your attraction know). Heck, Jimmy Carter admitted that he only committed adultery "in his mind" - if even someone as great as Jimmy Carter (my favourite American President) can admit to it - it can't be all that bad.

2) Recognize that it is normal to find other people sexually attractive, acknowledge these feelings to yourself and share these feelings with your current lover (but not let the objects of your desire know). Heck, maybe your current lover will enjoy sharing this kind of information with you and it can be a part of fantasy play for you.

3) Recognize that it is normal to find other people sexually attractive and acknowledge these feelings to yourself and share these feelings with your current lover. Discuss the possibility of an "open relationship" where you both engage in intimacies outside of your relationship. I will go into two subsets now:



a) you share the details (names and incidents) of your open intimacies outside of the relationship;
b) you don't share the details, but it is known that you engage in the occasional intimacy outside the relationship.

4) Recognize that it is normal to find other people sexually attractive, acknowledge these feelings to yourself and keep these feelings private from your current lover. You then assess whether another person is also attracted to you and have an intimate relationship with them without your partner knowing. Keep in mind - there are degrees of intimate relationship. Some people just fool around, kiss, "petting", etc. Some people do only oral sex. Some people use toys vaginally/anally. Some people will have actual genital/genital contact (i.e. full vaginal/penis intercourse or anal intercourse). The limits are up to the individuals involved in the tryst and what they deem okay within an already blurred ethical situation.

Anyways - those are your choices. You will note that the first bit is the same for each choice - it is normal to find other people sexually attractive, and acknowledging this is a good thing. The rest of the choices are up to you.

RainingRoses, you aren't the only one... i'm a guy and i have the same problem but don't put me in the same category as every other guy out there. to me, it almost feels like i'm trying to start a collection of girls and women that i'm attracted to, like i won't be completely satisfied until i have 15 girls and women who are head over heels in love with me. i think the need and the want of others derives from a personal insufficient level of affection, though you may be in a relationship your "craving" to be loved and wanted far exceeds what your significant other can give you. so, as you're talking and chatting with other girls, your affection and want for them will start to feel more like an attachment and you'll want them just as bad as you want the person you're already with. almost as if there is a permanent deep void within you that is almost impossible to fill with the love of just one person.

I can't empathize. I only feel romantic attraction to one person at a time, and it takes me a long time to get over it-
I do agree it doesn't sound particularly healthy,
particularly the bit about wedding rings on women infuriating you.

I can feel attraction to multiple people at once.

But don't cheat on your girl bro, thats a dick move. Especially if you love her.

The freshness of fruits and vegi's may be fun to enjoy. But the staple foods, the potato's.. the rice, the flour. Those will keep you alive in hard times....

I cannot understand how you feel, OP. When I love someone I don't have any attraction to anyone else. I can't imagine feeling romantic and sexual attraction to two people at once. And I don't see the point in having a relationship with someone if what you get from him/her can be easily gotten from someone else. Unless of course you're in one of those open relationships. But you're not in one as far as I can tell...

Well, first things first, Camus novels are not cheesy.

Back on topic, though, given some of your posts and your discussion of online dating sites, RainingRoses, I'm genuinely suprised to learn you are in a long-term relationship. I can't imagine that by this point your girlfriend has not taken notice of your wondering eye, but just because she is willing to put up with it does not mean it is okay or that she does not deserve better.

My fear from reading your post, especially the comment about how you have not cheated on her, per se, because you have not been physical with other women, is that you are kidding yourself. It may be a good time for you to take as honest an inventory as you can of the situation; I don't think you can make a good decision on how to handle or 'fix' anything if you are not being honest with yourself about it.

OP, while I'm inclined to agree with Dan Savage's perspective on the matter, I don't think that Dan's advice really applies to your situation. I think you hit the nail right on the head when you wondered if this is part of an addictive process.

You seem to be engaging in behavior that could potentially destroy your relationship, and knowing that the stakes are that high, you can't seem to rein yourself in. The easy answer is, "Knock it off." However, since your behavior does seem like part of a self-destructive, addictive process, I doubt that answer will work for you. The alternative is to get some help, so you can successfully "knock it off." Self-loathing (real or imagined) is typically at the core of addictive behaviors...a therapist might be able to help you figure that aspect of it out. There's probably a 12-step or other type of support group where you can find some helpful perspectives on behavior modification, and other people who are struggling with the same issues. Good luck.

Friends, I really appreciate all of your helpful comments, thought-provoking questions, and good advice. It would be too self-indulgent to respond to every wise word, so just know that everything you've written makes sense to me. If I had taken exception to anything, I'd say so. Nope ... nothing.

The fact is, we're all on the same page, here. I hope no one thinks that I'm trying to make excuses for bad behavior or looking for affirmation that this is OK so long as I don't <fill in the blank>. I know that it isn't and that I've already gone too far in a way. The relationship that I value so much has been devalued (temporarily, I hope) by behavior that people rightly point out could bankrupt it. For those who think I don't fully get it, you're probably right (I'm usually the last to know). But, I think you can trust that I'm moving in the right direction. I've been encouraged to look at this as an addiction -- which I'm far from against -- and the A.A. slogan that seems most applicable here is, "progress not perfection."

Speaking of which, the 12-step idea does make some, but not total, sense to me. Those here who know me know that I'm an alcoholic and that I have a decent amount of sober time in A.A. Total abstention is what that demands, and I'm having difficulty seeing how that's going to work here. Being literal about it, I don't want to isolate and abstain from having female friends. The question is, how do I moderate my behavior so that I can have appropriate relationships with them? I can't moderate my behavior with respect to alcohol such that I can go out and just have a few drinks. No, "knock it off" doesn't even begin to register -- it's all or nothing for me. That's the only way I understand alcohol, and unfortunately, at least for now, it's the only way I understand human relationships.

There's no moderation, balancing, or self-control involved or necessary in the way I understand recovery right now. But, this seems more like an addiction akin to overeating, where you have to engage in the behavior to some degree and must moderate so as not to cross the boundary between healthy and unhealthy. I'll have to explore this further.

Whatever the case, this has been extremely helpful so far. If all I took away was that I need to be a lot more mindful of what I'm doing and what harmless-looking actions really mean, then that might be enough. The fact is that I've taken away a lot more.

Yes, I think the problem you've described is similar to compulsive eating, in that you have to find a way to relate to the source of your addiction - you can't just cut it out of your life like you can with drugs or alcohol. That said, I think there is a key component of what's going on with you that is vulnerable to your 12-step techniques: fantasizing about these women. If you're honest with yourself, you'll probably realize that your thoughts about these women are precisely what feeds these emotional affairs. (You're not doing anything physical with them, but I imagine you do fantasize about what being in a relationship with these women would be like.) The fantasies feed your feelings, and the feelings provide the payoff - the emotional high of the crushes, the thrill of (so far) getting away with what you're doing, etc. You do have more power than you're aware of - you can use 12-step techniques to starve those emotional affairs out of existence, and possibly focus that emotional energy on creating more intimacy with your gf.