My huband’s AS is destroying our marriage

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So my husband is an aspie and I’m not. We met almost nine years ago on a nostalgia website. In the beginning we were just acquaintances, then over time that turned to banter, and banter turned into friendship. Friendship turned to flirting and flirting turned into a real emotional connection. We decided to meet in person some months later, and it was extremely awkward at first, but we’d already built the foundation of our relationship over months of messaging and talking on the phone. That made it a lot easier for both of us to fall in love. A few months later he proposed, and a few months after that our long distance relationship came to an end and we were married.

We did not know until about five years ago that he had asperger’s. But once we did, it saved us. We had been struggling, he was always so awkward and closed off. He was brilliant but did some of the most asinine things I’d ever seen. We got along well, but when he got emotional, it was a complete and total violent meltdown. I committed myself to learning all I could about AS and began applying my knowledge to our marriage.

Flash forward to the present. Asperger’s is not a deal breaker for me. In its own weird way, our relationship works very well. He’s able to share with me things he can’t share with anyone else. It’s like we have this wonderful connection and he’s able to let me into his head and world. He’s not the most responsible guy, but I’m responsible enough for both of us. He likes to be taken care of, and I like taking care of him.

As most folks do… he has certain preoccupations. Most are harmless --music, film, comic books, the compulsion to organize and reorganize and catalog. But one is harmful. He’s obsessed with porn. I knew this when we met, but chalked it up to him being lonely and not having a woman in his life. He had the most vast and disturbing collection of Playboy magazines and other naked paraphernalia I have ever seen. It was epic. And he left it all behind when he moved to marry me.

His obsession has reared its ugly head from time to time over the course of our marriage. Usually there is confrontation, followed by remorse, tears, and promises to never do it again. But we’ve reached the point where there are more lies than truth and he is letting his compulsions take priority over everything else in our lives, including his ability to be a parent and husband. We no longer have any kind of an intimacy because he is incapable of performing. Sexual touch makes him uncomfortable and withdrawn. Where we once had passion and connection is now just tension and awkwardness, followed by a whole lot of hurt feelings.

Our youngest daughter revealed to me the other day that while I’m working dad is “spending all of his time on the computer watching inappropriate movies.” I confronted him and this time it ended very badly. He told me that he thinks his Asperger’s prevents him from being the husband and father I desire him to be. He doesn’t think he’s capable of any more than he is.

I’m here today and asking because you guys know. You have this. Some of you have these kinds of relationships. Are we beyond saving? Is counseling even an option for someone who is closed off to the rest of the world? I read this morning that AS/NT marriages have an 80% failure rate. I don’t want to be one of the 80%, but at the same time, I don’t want to commit myself to saving something that is unfixable. Is it even a possibility that he can give it up?

It strikes me that he's using Aspergers as a scapegoat for choosing to ignore his family for his compulsions. (And maybe you are, too- it's hard to decide without more info)

There are many people here with Aspergers who are able to make the people in their lives a priority,
and from what I inferred, he used to be much better at this than he is now?

From your description of the situation, it is not Aspergers which is ruining your marriage, but PORN ADDICTION.

Being unable to connect sexually to his wife and putting pornography before your family most solidly makes what he has an addiction-
which he has to be willing to seek professional treatment for.

It is your husband's addiction to porn that It's harming your marriage (watching porn while daughter is around? seriously??), if he can regulate that then all would be fine. This is a common issue in all relationship forums (even non-AS forums), and it's about porn, not AS.

However, bare in mind that a lot of guys watch porn , some are more obsessed with it than others, so don't expect he would drop it quickly and completely, but self-regulation would be better than nothing.


And oh , and if it's really an addiction, then fasting periods and pro treatment is necessary.

Does he have OCD? I've had a porn addiction myself years ago because of extremely bad OCD & a high sex drive. The way I got over it was by getting in a relationship & becoming completely obsessed with her. I still have some of those issues but it's a lot better than what it was. Anyways if it is related to something like OCD & high sex drive; it might help if he got treatment for it. Meds might decrease his sex drive so he doesn't have the sexual urge to look as much & meds may help with the anxiety compositions if it is an OCD thing

agree with above

We, our lovely neurotic disorder, have our special interests - they're intense, more so then something an NT could have with a normal hobby I think - mostly it's harmless and can bring a lot of happiness, occassionally it can bring about new innovations (think Einstein) but the moment an autistic interest becomes damaging it needs work, you are not - and I'd say this even if it was much worse - you are not beyond help, you've been together 9 years so obviously you still have that potential, you still have the ability to stay together, he feels like he can't be a good husband or father, it sounds like he has poor self esteem and porn is a way to hide from you since he thinks he's not good enough.

What's the real issue here? Maybe he should be the one complaining about how you don't have a porn collection of your own.

So you don't like porn. Solution: He keeps his collection to himself and you don't snoop. As long as he doesn't rub your face in it or leave it out for the kids to find, that should be OK. Storage of video files in a password-protected folder or account should do the trick here. This should be easy to do.

Is he spending money on porn? That's stupid. Money spent on porn takes away from spending on paying off the house or food or clothes for the kid and you do have a legitimate cause for complaint if he is spending any money on this. I don't spend any money. Tell him to download the free RealPlayer software, which permits him to download FLV (flash video) files directly from a webpage. RealPlayer can be cumbersome for playback, so there's a DivXInstaller program that can be installed for playing FLV files. Then he can go to spankwire.com or any number of other free websites that feature flash video files in the page and download all the FLV files he wants for FREE.

The fact that the daughter found out, means that he is not doing a good enough job of hiding the porn and his activities from the kid, and you have a valid complaint about that. He needs to be more careful. Headphones and a locked room are in order here.

If the issue is that he masturbates so much that he can't perform when he's with you, then schedule sessions for you to be with him. Then he will know that he needs to knock it off at least a day or two beforehand. If enough pressure builds, he should be able to perform.

I've come across various people, with various issues, who blame the issue instead of trying to deal with the real problem.

As other posters have said, it sounds like an addiction and not to do with AS. I mean watching porn, when his daughter is in the room and he's supposed to be caring for her. Seems much the same to me as an alcoholic drinking regardless of what she/he is supposed to be doing.

Seeking help that is relevent to his problem would help, but, as with all addicts, he has to be able to admit that this is a problem to himself.

Okay, so to be precise, it is not the AS that is destroying your marriage; it's the porn. That's more than a fine distinction. Asperger's does not equal porn freak.

If TOGETHER (i.e., not blaming it all on him for being a "sicko") you can work out that issue, then you may still have a future, but porn is NOT a focused interest in the same sense as, say, trains or astronomy.

It's a porn problem, not an AS problem. Get counseling together about it.

We do NOT know he was watching porn with his daughter. She may of found some the vids somehow or maybe he forgot to lock the door one day & she opened it. A lot of the other issues here sound like very common stuff with AS.Are you putting a lot of pressure on him Amberosia? Some of the other issues may be related to that. If my partner was not accepting of one of my special interest & wanted me to give it up; there would be lots of problems in the relationship. Is being obsessed with porn the problem or is the problem that he has an obsession

Some normal men have porn addiction too and I can't tell the difference between an aspie and a none spectrum guy doing it.

The only way to deal with any relationship issue is to talk to talk to your partner. Explain that it's hurting you in some way and that it's a problem for the relationship. Make sure you are polite but firm about your point and that it gets across. Then the ball is in his court.

People can change many behaviors if they choose to. If he doesnt choose to, you have more information to help you make a choice.