How should I let women down online?

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I'm looking for a relationship now using the internet and it's apparent to me that I need to contact a lot of people in order to get just a few who are prepared to talk to me and then I need to talk to the ones that want to talk to me until I find the one I think I can have the best relationship with and hopefully start to date, which leaves the problem of possibly getting other peoples hopes up before turning them down. So I'm looking for a tactful way to initiate contact which won't get people's hopes up too much in the first place but it also has to entice them to talk to me and then a tactful way to say "It's been great talking to you online for a while but I've found someone better than you so I don't have time to chat to you anymore", yes I made that sound bad but that might be how some people think about it.

I just stop answering their messages, and that's usually what gets done to me too.

Probably somewhat cowardly, but it doesn't bother me too much when it gets done to me - it's just efficient...

Just tell them you're wanting to get to know people.

Don't say anything about "I want a relationship with you".

It kind of upsets me when that happens, personally I wish women would say something along the lines of "I think you're great, thanks for talking to me, I've actually found a guy now I've started dating" I would accept that but I think it's a bit rude to stop answering messages because it can take me a while to realise that they aren't interested and it can make me look like an idiot or a stalker or something lol. But then again would most people prefer something like that being said to them?

I've always assumed that most people would prefer having something like that said to them...

They may not think you're great or have found someone though.
Women get so many messages on dating sites and often don't reply to people they aren't interested in because of the backlash they usually get. This is the case with many of the women on a dating site I go to.

Butthurt people are not fun to deal with.

I realise that but sometimes telling a little fib can be more tactful rather than saying "I think your personality is rubbish and even though I'm single I disliked talking to you so much I would rather be lonely" or just stopping talking to someone altogether. I have used the excuse of already being in a relationship to turn down people before even though I wasn't because then in their mind I'm not turning them down for their looks or personality.

I just don't want to hurt anyone by getting their hopes up then turning them down but maybe I'm being overly compassionate, I think I'm much closer to both ends of the spectrum when it comes to empathy and apathy than normal people.

Say what I stated in my first post here. When you find someone you like, THEN ask them on a date.

ok thanks, I am saying that now, what about when I don't want to talk to them anymore? I feel too guilty if I tell someone I want to talk to them but then I want to stop and not hear from them again, I don't want to end up with a large network of women but I have to contact loads to find the right one, I think maybe I'm being a bit too compassionate though, maybe I should just make up some rubbish excuse I just feel awkward about it.

The only dating site I've used is OkCupid because it's free and good, but here's how I see it:

Going out on one date does not immediately lead to a relationship. It takes a while to get to know people. If one (usually the male) proposes and the other (usually the female) accepts a second, and then a third date, then after the third date you can start talking about seeing each other exclusively. Otherwise it's wise to assume that the other person is still seeing other people (unless they're really introverted), and you should probably be seeing other people too.

Until things get serious, it is a numbers game - the people you are dating have other choices in addition to you, and might not choose you, so the more choices you have the better.

Since the first date is not a major commitment, there is little reason to contact somebody unless you are interested in meeting them at least once in real life. Just talking to them online will not tell you enough about them, because emotions do not transmit well over text.

So message people you like the look of, chat to them online briefly, then suggest (preferably around your third message to them) that they meet you for e.g. coffee in a public place (which will make them feel safe for the first encounter). The more people you meet, the better your chance of finding one that "clicks".

In my opinion, the dating part has to happen in real life because you can never know enough about someone just from reading what they type. Online dating isn't about "dating" people via online messaging, it's about finding good dates online - and then meeting them offline.

On OkCupid at least, many of your messages will be ignored. Don't let this get you down. Just message more (new) people, be funny but brief, and you'll get some replies. Don't write long letters or people will feel they have to write a long reply, which means they'll often put off replying and probably forget to reply altogether.

When I was flathunting I really disliked not being told that I hadn't got the room. It just leaves you unsure whether to apply to other places or not, or wondering whether their internet/mobile is broken and they can't contact you. Also, it is bad manners. With a flat out, "Sorry, you haven't got it this time", I knew where I stand and I could move on.

As a man, I'd prefer to hear:

"Sorry, I don't think we're compatible, but I wish you the best of luck in your search."

It's kind, honest, and to the point. No insults, no lies, and much better than hearing nothing at all.

But you should never limit yourself to one flat or one online contact. Monogamy is for sex, not instant messages.

You have to play the field. Send messages to 10 different people without waiting for responses, and if 2 of them reply, the fact the other 8 haven't won't hurt too much.

I did play it as a numbers game as you suggest, but it would have made the job much easier, faster, and more efficient if they'd just told me. In addition there was one particular incident where a flat gave me a second 'interview' over dinner which they made themselves and then never told me where I stood. After something like that, which is most unusual over here, it was downright rude.

I used to think the same way, but once you play it as a numbers game - how would rejections be useful? Instead of an inbox with 2 messages from interested people, you'd have 2 messages from interested people and 8 rejections. That's 8 useless, time wasting messages - you'd have to read them to see they were rejections, but there'd be no point responding.

Yes, lack of reply is horribly frustrating if you don't play the numbers game - but the only solution is to play the numbers game.

I'm tired and this is getting us further and further away from the point I was making, but okay. In any bunch of flats there will be some you really want and some you don't. The ones you don't, you can leave a short message saying, "Sorry, I'm no longer interested", which is kind to them because then they know they don't have to consider you any more in their own search for a flatmate. Then, in your example, you can look for another 8 flats to visit. But for the ones you really DO want, you are going to end up hoping and waiting for their reply. Maybe we're different, but for me flat hunting is quite an emotional thing. Then you think, "Well, how many more flats is it reasonable to visit within X timeframe, because I don't want to be torn between 10 flats that all want me." If you get rejections from the two flats you wanted, then you can move on immediately and find another two or more flats to visit. This is what took all my time and energy: actively pursuing the flats I did want, in order to find out where i stood and thus get a better picture of how many more flats I could reasonbly visit in the next few days. It was not satisfactory for me either intellectually or emotionally to be left in the dark.

Anyway, the point I'm making is that it is possible to turn people down without being rude about it, and that in practise this is not only good manners but more useful than being left to work out what has happened for yourself.

I agree it would be kinder to have a standard "copy and paste" message that you send people, to tactfully break it to them somehow that you're not interested.