Advice for an aspie who can't connect to his wife

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Hello everyone, I'm new here, but I found your site while searching for help so I figured this would be a good place to start. I self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's a couple of years ago. I would definitely count as having the disorder if tested, I just never have. I've been managing alright for the most part for the longest time, but recently I've run into some major problems with my marriage.

My wife and I have been married for less than a year but have been together since high school, over 5 and a half years. We have had some very big issues lately. We fight all the time, almost every day. She is always telling me that I can't see her point of view, and I am not compassionate about her at all, only caring about myself. Sadly, there is a lot of truth in this. When we argue, I always try to blame her, but I know a lot of the problems are caused by the fact that I have a hard time relating to her, understanding her problems or even caring about her sometimes. I try to understand, but it's like my brain was only designed to handle one person's emotions at a time, and it doesn't even do that well.

It's gotten to the point where she tells me she hates me because I just "don't get it and never will" and is only staying with me because she has nowhere else to go (which is true). I've been trying to get better on my own, because I know there is no way I could ever afford therapy but everything I try doesn't work, and I'm losing hope.

Does anyone have any advice for me or resources I can investigate? I don't want to lose my wife as I do truly love her, but I'm at the end of my rope, I don't know what else to do or who to turn to. Anything at all would be wonderful.

in my opinion it seems pointless to drag it out, the sun has set on this relationship.

I'm a bit more optimistic than hale_bopp.

You ADMIT that when you argue, you do things you shouldn't, which is imporant.

Even more important would be telling HER that you know this is occurring-

sometimes fighting becomes more a battle of wills than of any actual conflict.

If she knew that you realize you're hurtful sometimes and have trouble empathizing,
AND that you want to change because you love her,
it might make a world of difference in mending your relationship.

Or, as hale_bopp suggests, it might truly be too late.

You're the best judge of your own relationship.

Try a different adaptor

Metaphorically speaking

As a self diagnosed Aspie and married for ten years I can relate to what you are going through. The first few years of my marriage where very rocky and at times I thought I was at the end of my rope.

Your right there is probably a lot of truth to what she see from her perspective. First off, no matter how much you feel like it, do not blame her. I'm not saying to act like everything is your fault, but you will go a lot farther if you talk in even voice. By blaming her all the time she will feel like "you do not get it". Ask her calmly what it will take to make things better in her opinion. Let her know that you care about her feelings and making the marriage work.

Listen to what she has to say about herself, you and the marriage. Let her talk until she is done, don't interrupt her. Then calmly express your views about what she said. Then you can have a discussion about how to save the marriage. If you feel "a loss for words" then tell her that. If you do not feel comfortable telling her that your Aspie then let her know about some aspects that you feel comfortable. She needs to know in some way what you feel and experience. That way she can see your perspective.

Do things with her. One of the problems I had was being in my space and not doing things she enjoyed. Even it bothers you like going to a social event and being with people then do some of those things. Let her know that going to social events bothers you, but because you love her you will go. She has to see that you are making a effort to do something for her despite how you feel.

Once she sees that you are making an effort, understanding and respecting her feelings then your marriage will slowly get better. It will not happen over night but over a period of time. Takes a while to get off the end of the rope but it will get easier with time if you make a effort.

If you want to PM about what you are going through then please free to do so

Not sure what country your from, Brother, but here in the States, many counseling services operate on an income-contingent scale. I'm set to start counseling Tuesday, and the fee is only $10, since i'm on unemployment. If it will salvage an otherwise decent relationship, just dive into therapy, and worry about the cost later. It will be worth the bills.

What country are you in?

I am NT and in my opinion your wife probably needs to hear from a professional that you have Aspergers. My husband was diagnosed only last week. We have had major communication issues for over 10 years. For your wife....understanding the condition is absolutely paramount to her being able to accept these differences and finding compromise.

I'm in the United States. I have often felt that an official diagnosis would help us both, but sometimes she tells me she just feels like I'm using AS as an excuse for not bettering myself. She's said many times that "It's not an excuse, you know it's a problem, now do something about it" My college's health center has a counseling services department. I think once Spring Break is over, I may stop in and schedule an appointment. It's not much, but it's a place to start I think.

I appreciate all the responses, both positive and negative. It's helping me put things into perspective.

An AS diagnosis is probably way too expensive, and you're probably too old for most insurance to cover it. Counseling for marriage problems and depression is, as has been mentioned, fairly affordable.

First off, you need to be willing to compromise. You can't emotionally "get it", but you can intellectually consider her perspective. What issues do you fight about? Is it money, work schedules, etc. Is it like housework and cleanliness and stuff. This is I think the most pointless thing people fight about, but it comes up often. Take a look at these issues and think of how you might do things differently to avoid conflict. Examine your own reasons for doing things the way you do and consider whether it might be worth it to bend some in order to avoid conflict.

Second, she has to be willing to compromise and acknowledge that you have limitations and that you relate to her differently than other people. She has to be willing to accept that your way of thinking is simply radically different from hers, and in the end, if she's not willing to accept that, it's best for both of you to end the relationship. If she's unhappy that she has to tell you directly what's upsetting her, then she won't ever be satisfied, because as aspies, we're unlikely to ever guess what it is, unless it's an issue that comes up over and over again, so it becomes rote memorized. This is the "emotional reciprocity" thing. We can think from other people's point of view but it's very difficult to feel emotionally what they are feeling.

Ask for specific things you can do differently. She may have difficulty with this concept; many NTs do. I have had this come up with work. If a boss says to me "get it done" or "go faster", this is meaningless to me. Do you mean you think I'm slacking off and just goofing around or dogging it to spite you? The answer, of course, is no, but what they don't understand is that they can't transfer their motivation over to me the way they do NTs. The NT in that situation may not ACTUALLY be any faster, but will probably at least appear more distressed over that fact and really that's all they want, an emotional response. When they don't get it, then you hear words like "lazy", "selfish", "uncaring", "cold", etc. Now, if someone can tell me specifically what to do differently that might be helpful or allow me to do better, in the context of work or w/e else, I'll probably try it. I'm not that stubborn or closed minded that I think I'm right all the time, but you'll get no emotional response out of me. You can try and try and try to get me to care about something just because you care about it, but it doesn't work that way for me.

She's bugging you for "not bettering yourself". What does that mean? I would have serious doubts about a relationship if I ever heard that line, because what it usually means is that in that person's judgment, you're either not working enough or not making enough money, or both. Ask her specifically to elaborate what this phrase means, and DO NOT ACCEPT dodges or non-answers. If she can't at least come up with specific things, then the problem is hers and not yours. Ask her what specific things that you're not doing that she thinks you should do, and what specific things you're doing that you shouldn't. If you force her to put it in those terms, you will at least get the argument down to a point where it's intelligible to you as an aspie.

I'm inclined to think that your main problem is that the "honeymoon period" has now worn off.

What you're experiencing is NORMAL for all marriages but is specifically relevant to aspie ones. You got married, and it was all NEW and exciting - but now it's not.

This is where you approach the make or break point for the relationship. You could do nothing and fight all the time and eventually break up. That's the easy way - and the end is certain. Alternatively, you could BOTH work together to stabilize the relationship and it could last for the rest of your lives.

First off, you both need to learn how to communicate. My wife and I met at school and we'd been best friends for 10 years before we got married. After marriage, we had the same problems that you did. We had to learn how to communicate. You'd think that after all that time, we could communicate well but as it turned out, we had a lot to learn.

If you have a look at my blog, you'll find a lot of useful articles on Aspie relationships (click the relationships keyword or have a look through the series articles). The most appropriate one for you at the moment might be;

Marriage Encounters
An in-depth look at the weekend which helped my wife and I salvage and renew our failing marriage.  Why it's particularly applicable to people with Aspergers partners and how you can use the things we learned in your own relationship.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Good luck.

I found borrowing relationships books from the library very helpful especially as its free.

The main thing is whether you are both commited to trying to sort things out, I think if you are, then things will be fine, I think the problems come when one partner doesnt want to work on things.

I hope it works out for you.