No-nonsense advice for young men?

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Dave-the-Aussie
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03 Apr 2011, 3:23 am

I'm sure alot of adolescent or young men with ASD issues have exactly the same problem when it comes to girls and dating, and it's probably the most severe problem of all. I'm 24 and never had a serious relationship or girlfriend, and that just really gets me down more than anything. (Undiagnosed, but probably asperger's here) - Yes, have my own place, full-time job, car, but never a girl

When googling for information on this, you mostly get the following:
1. Men who brag about their sexual exploits
2. Pick-up-con-artists who are there to squeeze money out of you
3. Women who offer extremely s**t and useless advice, often about how they'd like a partner to be once in a relationship

Can we expand into a self-help guide here? I'm sure members of this community have been through the same issue and have some advice to give, regarding where heterosexual young men who are ASD-like go wrong, and how to improve. No nonsense, just facts; like recognizing flirtation, how to interact with it, how to manage a group situation with a mixture of men and women, etc etc.

Can we summarize and discuss what works and what doesn't, share some personal experiences, or good reading material?

Chronos
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03 Apr 2011, 4:12 am

Dave-the-Aussie wrote:

When googling for information on this, you mostly get the following:
1. Men who brag about their sexual exploits
2. Pick-up-con-artists who are there to squeeze money out of you
3. Women who offer extremely sh** and useless advice, often about how they'd like a partner to be once in a relationship

Can we expand into a self-help guide here? I'm sure members of this community have been through the same issue and have some advice to give, regarding where heterosexual young men who are ASD-like go wrong, and how to improve. No nonsense, just facts; like recognizing flirtation, how to interact with it, how to manage a group situation with a mixture of men and women, etc etc.

Can we summarize and discuss what works and what doesn't, share some personal experiences, or good reading material?

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if half the men on here have ever approached a woman, and I bet the other half has only approached one or two in their lives, and were so traumatized by it that they never did it again.

Some of those men who have never approached a woman though aren't entirely unjustified in not doing so, however. As it's not wise to jump into a bull pen without knowing how to fight bulls, it might not be wise to attempt to approach a woman when you really have no idea what you are doing

The men who really shouldn't approach women are probably actually in the minority on here. These would be the ones who, for one reason or another, have been so isolated that they really haven't learned any social graces at all, and really have difficulty socializing with anyone. To these men, I suggest making an attempt to improve your social skills all around before considering trying to start a romantic relationship.

You probably don't fall into this class if you were able to get a job. I guess I would start by telling you that there as many 20 something year old women out there looking for a boyfriend as there is a 20 something year old man looking for a girlfriend.

I would recommend you first read the thread on how not to be creepy. I'd also keep in mind that you are generally of the age where being shy to the point of not being able to look her in the face becomes less desirable and she may mistake that for disinterest. You should be able to make eye contact with, and smile at the girl of your interest.

Dave-the-Aussie
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03 Apr 2011, 4:56 am

I have to find out where I'm going wrong exactly, but I think body language and eye contact is a big part of it. Yes I have approached women, and even noticed flirting cues from what I've read in books. Probably the biggest difficulty is following through on it, or being C+F. Also I've noticed from seeing men successful with getting a girl is they generally have good 'theory of mind' - they feel what the girl is thinking and act accordingly in order to play with her. I have *NEVER* done that because it's never crossed my mind before, and generally don't *feel* what someone is thinking.

Yes I do try, but stuff up every time

nick007
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03 Apr 2011, 5:25 am

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

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hale_bopp
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03 Apr 2011, 5:27 am

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

spongy
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03 Apr 2011, 5:31 am

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

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DCxMagus
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03 Apr 2011, 5:31 am

This is gonna sound cheezy as f**k and your probably gonna pass over it thinking "tired that didn't work" but:

Be yourself... straight up if you wanna find a girl that you can be with for the long run you have to be yourself!

now if your just looking for a hook up then some of what those "money grubbing" pick up artist have to say works and you do have to kinda "play the part". You do truly have to be cocky but funny give them little jabs of insult/insecurity yet have the overall air of confidence and fun. Obliviously you can't push it so far that they feel alienated or feel you are being rude, but the occasional quick "jab" at a girl that really does show the majority of girls that you have confidence. You have to follow this with a mood lighting/funny comment and sorry to say but "just joking" over and over doesn't cut it.

But seriously don't be down on yourself that you haven't had a serious relationship before, your still very young and a serious relationship might not be right for you right now. Even if it is, you can't go out and just "find a serious relationship" the minute you start doing that your doomed!

Look my best advice is just go out, have a blast doing whatever it is your doing and if you happen find a girl that has a blast being with you while your doing that then good for you. If not, no sweat man, this county(the US) is FILLED with people that when out looking for a "long term relationship" that failed.

Be yourself, have fun, enlighten yourself and you'll find someone to be with, you really will. The minute you "have to find someone to be with" is the minute you die and you'll never accomplish that goal.

Dave-the-Aussie
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03 Apr 2011, 5:39 am

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

Okay:
1. Who is Grisha
2. Didn't I specifically say no nonsense or BS in this thread? Mail-order brides is in that category.

nick007
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03 Apr 2011, 5:40 am

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

nick007
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03 Apr 2011, 5:41 am

Dave-the-Aussie wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

Okay:
1. Who is Grisha
2. Didn't I specifically say no nonsense or BS in this thread? Mail-order brides is in that category.

I'm being completely serious here

Dave-the-Aussie
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03 Apr 2011, 5:42 am

DCxMagus wrote:

Thanks, has the PUA things ever worked for you? Please tell me how it worked and where you improved. Also, I never get what people mean when they say 'be yourself'. 24 years isn't young either, it's 1/4 or 1/3 of the way to being dead.

hale_bopp
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03 Apr 2011, 5:47 am

nick007 wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

Nick they just use you for a US green card. You will end up more miserable than before.

spongy
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03 Apr 2011, 5:48 am

Dave-the-Aussie wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

Okay:
1. Who is Grisha
2. Didn't I specifically say no nonsense or BS in this thread? Mail-order brides is in that category.

Grisha is a well known member of this community that had a not too pleasant experience with a mail order bride.

As for the 2nd one its just that Ive seen nick talk about mail order brides so many times that I wanted him to contact this guy so he was aware of everything that goes on with mail order brides.

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nick007
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03 Apr 2011, 5:50 am

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

Nick they just use you for a US green card. You will end up more miserable than before.

Not necessarily. They have to be married for quite a few years in order to become citizens. None of the advice I ever got here has worked for me & there's other members here who've tried lots & lots of stuff & still alone. I truly believe someone would like me if they gave me an honest chance

Dave-the-Aussie
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03 Apr 2011, 6:08 am

Know what you mean; sometimes people tell me I behave as though I already AM in a serious relationship, except I'm not.

Tequila
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03 Apr 2011, 7:10 am

spongy wrote:

Grisha is a well known member of this community that had a not too pleasant experience with a mail order bride.

I would avoid them like the plague.

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