Hi Everyone,
I need some serious advice. I'm a young gay man (mid-twenties) who is perpetually infatuated with my best friend, an aspie, who is also gay and in his mid-twenties. Problem is, this aspie is also my roommate. Though we're not living together currently (we're on summer break; we're both in professional school), we may be living together again next fall. Nevertheless, we currently live near each other and we hang out every weekend.
So here's the history to this story: I met my roommate about two years ago and I fell in love with him at first sight (seriously!). He was (and is) the kind of person I look for in a guy - he's nerdy, eccentric, and brilliant. He, on the other hand, figured I was a good enough person to live with as a roommate. Over the years as roommates we've had our share of fights: everything from politics to the need of expressing our feeling more. I've learned to live with an aspie: I now understand that when he goes into his room and doesn't hang out with me in the living room, it's because he needs his space; when I want to go out at night and he says he can't because it throws his "schedule off," I know it's important to respect that because it provides the structure he needs; and when he sometimes blurts out insensitive remarks, I know it doesn't always represent what he means. Despite it all, I love him. He is kind, loyal, and supportive. Although we aren't in a formal relationship, it feels as it we're in an emotional relationship. He's told me that he's unwilling to live with anyone else next fall because he simply wouldn't feel comfortable living with just anyone.
I've done a couple of things to find out whether he likes me. About a year ago, I jokingly floated the idea of us becoming involved. He quickly laughed at the suggestion. More recently, I asked a friend to ask on my behalf and he told my friend he wasn't interested -- we're two very different people, apparently. But his recent behavior suggests otherwise (so confusing!)! Recently, he's called me his "special someone" and, in another instance, after he made a joke at my expense, I sarcastically said how much I "missed him" and instead of responding sarcastically, he responded in a low but soothing tone and said he really missed me too. He also compliments me on my humor and tells me how "cute" I am for it. Also, when I bring up the concept of dating, he becomes defensive.
I feel like the next natural step in this relationship is transitioning it from being mere friends to becoming lovers. The problem is I really like my roommate as a dear, close, friend. He's my best friend, in fact. And I fear that if I express my true feelings, and he doesn't feel the same way, that it'll impact our relationship as friends. Honestly, if he rejects me, I know that I'll need time apart from him to heal. But the idea of not seeing him hurts me as well. He recently said he's interested in dating other guys and has gone so far as to setup a profile at an online dating site. Although he told me that he's unlikely to meet many guys because of the problems he has socializing, it crushes my heart to think that he's considering becoming involved with someone else. And yet, I don't know if he'd be interested in pursuing something with me! Therefore, I'm thinking that it's best to tell him about my feelings now, before I lose him entirely.
I need your advice!
Do you think he actually has feelings for me?
Should I risk our friendship by expressing my feelings to him?
If I ask him, what's the best way to do that without surprising him?
If he says no, what should I do to minimize the impact on our friendship?
I love my friend. He has aspergers and though not everyone is willing to be his friend because of it, I am. In fact, I want something more....
20 Jun 2011, 7:24 pm
