Newbie with possible aspie boyfriend

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I hope you can help please - first posting here. The reason why I joined is that I've been seeing a guy for about five months, and he has hinted around having asperger's, but we're never properly talked about it. Think the world of him, but finding some of his quirky behaviour difficult to deal with, particularly as I don't really understand it, or understand what I'm meant to do when it's happening. I've read up a lot on Asperger's, just so I have a better understanding, but would still appreciate an insight into whether these behaviours are the 'norm' where Asperger's is concerned:

- Pacing up and down for ages, making odd noises/arm movements
- Talking angrily to himself when he thinks I can't hear - odd ramblings, not really making sense
- Not very affectionate - feels like it is forced sometimes
- Obsession with hobby
- Angry talking in sleep
- Feels incredibly distant at times, like I'm not in the room
- Very blunt/to the point with opinions
- Doesn't like to talk about feelings
- Takes things I say too literally sometimes

There are others too.

However, don't get me wrong, he is a fantastic, funny, guy, who I could really see a future with, but I'm the type of person who really needs to understand something better to feel comfortable with it. I know you will say to talk to him, and I tried. I was quite worried by one of his pacing sessions, and I tried to talk about it, but he just became defensive, said he'd done it since the age of two and that I was making it a bigger issue than necessary. He looked really embarrassed and awkward, so I didn't want to continue the conversation.

Any info much appreciated, thanks )

Hi! Re: the pacing, I've also always done it and never looked on it as weird although people have commented about it. I just thought some people liked to pace and some didn't. But apparently it's my way of "stimming." Go figure. It's a form of meditation and/or anxiety relief and/or helps me think things through. It's no cause for alarm!

Oh - another thing I can address: obsession with hobby. For me I need to have my life completely oriented towards something or I feel it has no point. I believe it is true what I've read that this kind of obsession provokes the same feelings of love/addiction as being in love. That sounds pretty weird but... is there anything you love doing so much you feel addicted to it (in a good way, with no negative consequences?). I'm not sure there's a way to explain this so it doesn't sound crazy if not.

You're most likely in for a very difficult future in your relationship with him.

Most Aspies, in general, are good lovers in the beginning but end up being very disappointing later on. You're probably going to be making a lot of compromises for him.

If you have no problem with that, good luck.

Thanks both for your replies - much appreciated.

I understand what you mean about the hobby and the explanation of pacing makes it easier for me to understand. Should I stay out of the way when this is going on?

MCalavera - I appreciate your honesty. I believe that all relationships require a degree of compromise - are you saying that this is likely to be more than normal with an Aspie, and in what way?

Hi again! The pacing isn't some sort of sacred process, I mean I usually even do it without realizing it while talking to people. I can just think better when I'm moving around. Your boyfriend might be different, though. Anyway for me you can talk to me while I'm pacing as well as you can talk to someone who's chewing gum or tapping their feet!

These things you will just have to respect and get used to if you plan on continuing the relationship.

let's take each thing you noted in turn..

- Pacing up and down for ages, making odd noises/arm movements

this is "stimming" which is short for self stimulatory behavior, people with autism spectrum disorders stim as a way to relax, most people when they want to be comforted might seek a hug, but light touch and hugs are occasionaly painful for autistics (like me) so you have to stimulate yourself to get the same effect, I like to vibrate my right knee up and down, and I pat the back of my head lightly, I find it soothing, every autistic has different stims but the most common I know of are pacing and rocking back and forth

- Talking angrily to himself when he thinks I can't hear - odd ramblings, not really making sense

This isn't necessarily an autistic trait, it's more schizophrenic actually, I don't know about it, however it's not unusual for autistics to mix up pronouns, replacing "you" for "I" or "she" for "he", all talk more about that in the literal part..

- Not very affectionate - feels like it is forced sometimes

He isn't affectionate in "traditional" ways or obvious ways, consider a time he's went somewhere crowded with you, for the average person it might be hard, but for the grand majority of autistics going to crowded places is very difficult and painful - if he's done this then it's very affectionate -, this is because up to 70% of autistics - including aspergers - are either hyper or hypo sensetive to various stimuli, I for example am hypersensetive to sound, light, smell and light touch, but I am hyposensetive (under sensetive) to firm touch, as a child I very rarely - if ever - cried when I scrapped my knee, it just didn't hurt me that much.

You could try to learn the "autistic" affection, I don't say I love you in words, I don't give hugs or kiss, I show my love in different ways to the folks I care about, I do things, physical things, things that are easy to understand, because people are very complicated and I can't tell what to do to make them happier, that's why I love dogs - they're so easy to understand.
If his affection feels forced then it's because he is giving affection is a way that isn't second nature to him, it's unnatural for a lot of autistics to act like that, although there is a minority of autistics who are very hyposensetive to a lot of things and they can't get enough touch, they endlessly want to hug, but that doesn't sound like him.

- Obsession with hobby

As you probably know, that's a hallmark of all autism disorders, I think the best thing to keep in mind is that such hobbies bring immense happiness, we like to call them "special interests", obsession is a negative word, occasionaly an autistic can turn their special interest into a career, It's thought that many great artists and scientists were so great because they in fact has aspergers, and this gave them a fantastically single minded love of their feild, like Einstein or Newton or Hans Anderson..
Though it depends on what the interest is, mine is the Scottish rock band Travis, I've occasionally been euphoric listening to them, I would never let anyone take them away and I would lose respect for someone who insulted my love for them.

- Angry talking in sleep

I don't think this is an autistic trait, sounds more like a sleep disturbance.

- Feels incredibly distant at times, like I'm not in the room

There isn't much you can do about that, if I am very distant it's probably because I'm mentally exhausted from socialising and I need to just be with myself in my head for awhile, when someone with an autism disorder over socialises or a very frustrating anxious situation is presented he/she will do one of two things; meltdown or shutdown, a meltdown would be typified as very intense stimming, anger and frustration (a tantrum if it's a child) and a lack of coherent toughts, usually followed by a shutdown (though I usually go straight to shutdown),

when an autistic shuts down they are completely blocked off from the world, an explosion could happen and I wouldn't notice, there are no coherent thoughts, if you saw be shutdown I would be laying on the ground completely limp with my eyes wide open, it's like when a turtle retreats into it's shell, or you press the reset button on your computer, absolutely nothing is happening other then a giant mesh of confusing thoughts in my head, that voice you can have conversations with in your head dissappears, you don't speak unless necessarily and I don't move unless necessary.
There's not much you can do in the latter other then wait it out, for the former, try to indentify the trigger.

- Very blunt/to the point with opinions
- Takes things I say too literally sometimes

A lot of autistics don't understand when people "read between the lines", they don't get hints easilly, they often don't understand phrases like "pull up your socks" so - in turn - they will commicate in ways they understand, that is; bluntly, to the point, clear and concise, occasionally overly formal, it might not occur to him that being so blunt might hurt someones feelings since imagining what other people are feeling and reading their expressions is harder, should he find out that he's hurt someones feelings he will regardless feel guilt.
It's not that he doesn't have "empathy", every autistic has very sensetive empathy I think, but it just doesn't manifest itself as sympathy - which is how most people manifest their empathy.

- Doesn't like to talk about feelings

he doesn't necessarily dislike talking about them - even if that's what he's said - he might have trouble understanding his own feelings, putting them into words or knowing what he feels, this is calledAlexithymia and affects the majority of autistics, it's not because he's secretive or macho.

i found this book very good http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-As ... 1843104954
And the move "Adam" might help aswell, both are available online as torrents.

Is he seeing a therapist? A therapist might be able to help him; that is, if you can find one who is well-versed in Asperger's. Otherwise, get informed. Read up on it yourself. It might help.

Schizophrenia is breaking down of the mind. If the non-sense ramblings is produced because of hallucinations or delusions and that person thinks those are real, then it is symptom of it. I have noticed myself to do some random angry rambling occasionally when I think no one can hear me, but because I acknowledge them as random non-sense, I don't think they are symptom of that. Kinda like pacing around for just because you feel like to it might be related to Asperger's, and pacing around because voices in your head tell you to do so would be related to schizophrenia.

Last edited by Suomalainen on 07 Apr 2011, 3:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I don't know if that's typical for Aspies, but my Mom says I do that a lot. Or that I lecture in my sleep. Most of the others sound like standard AS traits.

Yes, and also that you might eventually be giving much more than you might be receiving, unless he's one of the Aspies who actually care enough to improve their love lives. Many Aspies are only concerned with improving their social skills and other stuff that has nothing to do with trying to work things out with their partners.

If you are ready for that, it shouldn't be a big problem. If you're not, then you know now.

Thank-you all so much for your posts - they're all really useful and insightful, and I really appreciate the support.

Although every relationship is different and I suppose there are always those minority examples that give us all hope..what MCalavera is saying is more true than you can probably conceive at this moment. You may read some books that make it seem like if you can just communicate effectively with a person with AS, that everything will be fine. This is far from the truth. It is not just about both parties understanding each other it is more about NTs and Aspies having extremely different fundamental needs. Even for an independent NT the little that most aspie partners can give is shocking.

I'm not saying that what either person needs or wants is wrong, just very different. You will most likely be in a relationship that seems to be totally on someone else's terms. They may feel like they are making great sacrifices to give you what you need, but you probably won't even notice because what they are giving will be so far off the mark from what you actually need. At the first sign of conflict it is not uncommon for them to disappear.

This is not the case in every situation, but it is definately a far more likely situation then you think.

I do hope that things work out for you, but go into this situation with a clear understanding that the two of you are very different, and odds are this relationship will much more difficult then anything you could ever imagine trying to do.