depression and relationships/

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It's a horrible mix. You end up being destructive with the other person's heart when you're feeling impulsive and in a "to hell with everything mood, let's burn it all down." The next day, you completely regret it.

I feel like none of the girls I've dated get to know me as the person. I have to put on some mask, a facade. The real me wants to talk about depressing, serious things. I hate keeping things light and small talk oriented, it's so god damn boring. I always end up creating conversation with them by talking to them like a psychiatrist in an attempt to mechanically figure out what makes them tick. It works well. Lots of girls really enjoy this. It's so flipping artificial, though. It's not real.

There has been only a single time where a girl I dated could take my actual personality in almost it's entirety and she was a totally manipulative, power hungry, and egotistical whore.

Also, I'm sick of that cheesy feeling you have when you're just sitting there with a girl, not being able to come up with anything to say, and just stroking her hair or something. It's nice sometimes, but I feel like I engage in this too often. I use physical intimacy to overcome my complete and utter failure to connect with women.

I want someone that can see my whole personality, not just this actor. I don't know what to do except leave women alone for a little while. I need to get a life and then maybe go back to relationships. For now, I am a broken machine. Perhaps I'll come back stronger than ever before.

ANother thing that slightly distrubs me: women want to be used for sex and they don't want you to care about them. As soon as I start caring about a girl for more than sex, the relationship is in for some rough times.

Dunnow what to tell you. Do you ALLOW your girlfriends to see your darker side? I would prefer to understand the depths of a person than be a relationship that is a facade with a bunch of mysterious stuff floating below the surface...When I first started courting my boyfriend, we did a lot of written correspondence...I wanted him to know all about me and visa versa....This gradually tapered off...I wish it would taper back on though... I want to know stuff about him that he won't share...NOT because I am an "egotistical power hungry manipulative whore"...but because I want to "know" him and "bond" with him. If we are "together" I don't want to be "together" with a stranger. Our minds work in different ways, and I appreciate his mind..and it's differences....oh well...blah blah blah...i sense some level of resentment and unwillingness to respect/unsdrerstand women...then again, I don't understand them all that much myself.

You raise an awful lot of points in this post, OP….I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

Look, I think impulsiveness can be an issue with Aspies, whether it’s triggered by stress, a mini (or major) meltdown, the design of the Aspie brain….there seems to be a lot of different triggers for impulsive behavior. (That’s not to say that NTs don’t act impulsively – they certainly do – but I think avoiding impulsivity can be challenging for Aspies.)

I can suggest the obvious in terms of how to avoid making an impulsive decision you’ll regret: take yourself out of the situation until you’ve had time to process your emotions, stress, frustration….whatever it is that’s fueling you to pull the trigger. Stop texting, stop talking, leave the room, situation, etc. A simple, “Look, I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now, but I need a break – right now.” And then go. Wait a day, or two, see if you still feel the same way.

As far as your observations about dating….whoa there, killer. Don’t let a few relationships sour you on the process, or on the opposite sex. IMO, you may be creating problems for yourself because of the way you approach women and relationships. As I recall, you had a buddy who taught you a lot of PUA techniques that you’ve been able to use pretty successfully to meet women. There’s a bit of a downside to that approach, and I think that may be part of what you’re experiencing. Guys who are good at PUA techniques often give women the impression that they’re players. If a woman thinks you’re a straight-up player and she likes that, it’s very possible that she’s a player, too. So….if you’re putting out a player vibe, you can’t be surprised when you attract a player.

But taking the player and PUA stuff out of the equation, I think there’s other things going on too. When relationships become sexual really quickly, a false sense of emotional intimacy can be created. Whether that false sense of emotional intimacy is created really depends on each partner, and how he/she applies his/her own values to having sex. Example: man and woman meet at bar, hit it off, connect on many levels, have sex. Woman thinks she’s started a relationship; man thinks he just had an awesome one-night stand. They both had a great time, both felt a connection, both liked the sex – how could there be such a giant misunderstanding? IMO, it’s all about expectations. Woman was out looking for a relationship, met this cute guy, spent hours talking to him, getting to know him, had a lot in common with him…and although she never does that sorta thing, she had sex with him because everything “felt so right.” Man was out for the first time since his gf dumped him two weeks ago; he meets a cute woman he clicks with; and it’s like winning the lottery: she has sex with him! But he’s still emotionally all wrapped up in his ex and wants her back. He wasn’t looking to get laid, it just kinda happened. He’s glad it happened, it was fun, but he’s not looking for a new relationship – no hard feelings, right?

She was looking for a connection, a relationship: she saw all kinds of possibilities in this guy, because she was looking for all kinds of possibilities in a guy. He was out drowning his sorrows, and lucked into a wonderful night of passion. His “possibilities” are all wrapped up in another woman - end of story.

For some people, sexual intimacy equals emotional intimacy: “the word and the deed go hand-in-hand.” For others, sex is sex, and developing emotional intimacy is something that happens mostly outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately, a lot of people project their values on mates and/or potential mates, meaning the conclusions they draw about what the other person wants is not really about facts or evidence or taking the time to get to know them. An awful lot of the time we project our own values onto our partner because we’re really attracted to them, or we’re really lonely, or we’re just really tired of dating and want to find our soulmate already. Whatever we project on our partner doesn’t change what our partner wants, or why he/she is with us….it’s just a temporary solution, a way to rationalize being involved with someone who really isn’t “the one.”

So…maybe try looking for girls in settings that aren’t all about looking for hook-ups? You won’t have to do the PUA thing, and you won’t risk giving off the player vibe. Maybe wait to have sex until you know a girl a little better? You can’t assume that sleeping with someone right away means anything more than you both wanted to sleep with each other, you know? Or if you opt for being sexual quickly, at least try to stay aware that just because you’d really like to find a nice girl for an LTR doesn’t mean that’s what the girl wants.

And if you want to feel comfortable enough to reveal your “true self” to a girl, I think you’re going to have to accept that that takes time. True knowledge of a person is gained over time, through conversation and observation. And you have to be aware of your own filter – meaning you really have to hear what they say, and you really have to watch what they do. You can’t rationalize their behavior, you can’t deny what they want: you have to accept what they reveal about themselves. (Trust me, I know this is a tall order – I’m constantly learning and re-learning this particular truth.) Emotional intimacy – feeling safe enough to reveal your true self to another – is achieved one step at a time. Allow yourself to really know the other person – and let them know you - before you give your heart away.

I've pretty much entirely ditched the PUA thing. It hasn't ever helped me in anyway. Each time I get a girl, it's because she liked the friendly, content version of me. There's no manipulation in that. Making that version of me last, however, is very difficult.

I like this advice of extracting yourself from situations before doing something serious.

I think we could all proceed more slowly before giving our hearts away....and once given, not be quick to reclaim it.

I'm kind of concerned about your reference to presenting a "version" of yourself.....as though you're hiding a serious dark side. I've gotten the impression that you have serious thoughts and concerns (like the rest of us), but that revealing that to a gf or potential gf would be considered a deal break by the young lady. Am I interpreting your remarks accurately? If I am, why do you feel that way?

roadGames, take this time to sit back and figure out personalities. Understand yourself and who you are as well as hope to grow into, and then see what types of women you actually can connect with. That'll at least help dial your compass in the right direction. You might end up dating less but you'll quite likely end up with much higher quality connections and you'll be able to use that 'you' time in between inn some very productive ways if you so choose.

Yeah, there is an aspect of my personality and concerns that is being hidden. It's not really a dark side, though. It's just the last one had no idea how depressed I am regarding not getting into grad school for cognitive science. As far as she knows, I'm going to UCM in the fall. I am totally lost right now. 5 years of dedicated, passionate, and successful study (in regards to doing independent research and keeping a GPA >3.6) in undergrad all flushed down the drain due to a low GRE score that I studied for to attain. I have no connections, therefore acquiring some kind of white collar work is going to be impossible in this economy. Employers see the BA with no experience and ignore my application.

I've been decimated by not being able to pursue something I loved and worked hard for due to some arbitrary score. There's a few Applied Behavioral Analysis MS programs with rolling admissions that I can still apply to at this point and I'm certainly going to. These programs are going to be nowhere near as fun, interesting, and rewarding as a PhD program in cognitive science would be, though. However, the starting pay for an ABA trained psychologist is way, way higher than what an assistant professor could ever hope to receive.

Well, now I understand why you're outlook on relationships has become so bleak. You're going through an extremely difficult time right now, made even more difficult by not having much emotional support. First things first, though - okay?

Have you thought of taking a prep class for the GRE? They tend to be effective because they "teach to the test" - they focus on precisely the material the GRE does. I've known people who have been successful in raising their scores pretty dramatically doing that. Can you do a prep class and sit for another GRE before all admission decisions are final for the fall term? It seems like your cum laude academic record would tip the scales in your favor with a slightly improved GRE.

Honestly, a lot of people don't succeed in exactly the way they've planned. I'm not saying that you have to give up on your dream - just that achieving it might be a little different than you thought. The job market is better than it was two years ago, so it may be easier to find a job than you think (as a temporary solution). Don't rule out contract opportunities, either - they can be a great way to pay the bills while you're getting your academic issues sorted.

Have you thought about a non-PhD route in your field? I know people who are school psychologists (with two-year graduate degrees). That might be a great solution for you: school psychologists get pretty high quality benefits (good tuition reimbursement), decent pay, and they get summers off (time to pursue any other full-time academic interests). So, maybe school psychology could be an interim solution for you? A way to pay the bills while working in your field, and still be able to work toward your goals in cognitive science?

And I agree - the thoughts that are preoccupying you right now are not indicative of a "dark side" - you're just sad because you've suffered a setback. I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna here, but we can learn a lot from setbacks - if we choose to. It doesn't really take any strength or character or determination to deal with success, does it? Just don't paint yourself into an "all or nothing" corner, okay? Just because things aren't turning out the way you'd anticipated, doesn't mean that they won't turn out well. You just have to adjust your plans to deal with this detour - and you can do that.

Thanks, hope. Your advice is consistently the most practical and helpful on here. It's almost as if you've overcome a lot of Asperger's with your flexibility and adaptivity.

I'm going to practice for the GRE more next time I apply to PhD programs. What I'm doing right now is applying to Master's programs in Applied Behavior Analysis, which I feel like I actually have a good shot of admission with.