umm guys here I need help..

Post Reply New Topic

So I am one of those girls who have lots of guy friends. Well I dated one of them a while ago, we broke up and we are still friends. Anyways I like my other guy friend now. He acts like my ex did when he liked me at first.
I'm kinda ticked at him (not ex), (who I suspect is not NT) because I don't know if he likes me back. He sends me mixed messages all the time. He really acts like he likes me, but if I ask he says no. He never had a girlfriend before..
Ok here is what he does:
always smiling at me
when I look at him, he's usually looking at me already, with that soulful look in his eye
Plays songs with a romantic like melody on his guitar ( he's in guitar class- we don't hang outside school)
licks his guitar to make me laugh
does alot of things to make me laugh
touches me with his guitar
touches my guitar
touches my jacket and puts my hood up
kicks my seat
he has already sung "sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy" to me with his hand on my shoulder.
blows kisses at me in class
bows down to me in class
ok and the 2 things that ticked me off
He told me he would go out with me and later said he was kidding (this was a while ago)! !! !!
and he said he loves me on April fools!
Anyways after I found out was wouldnt go out with me, I told him to stop flirting and he did for a while, but he recently started flirting again.

1. Why do guys do this?
2. Do you think he has mixed feelings like my other guy friend says?
3. Does he even care about my feelings?
4. Why is he so blind (metaphorically)?
5. Should I even bother with him?

Thanks guys for any advice
Girls feel free to post if you are in a similar situation

I appreciate any kind of help(guys or girls)


Guitar_Girl

Sounds like he is playing with your feelings, not a great start

I think he is just afraid that if he asked you out you would turn into the stereotype of entitlement princess. You know the kind I mean, the pretty one that wishes she was captain of the cheerleading squad. Even though he probably knows deep down that you aren't like that, he is just afraid that you might do a complete 180.

So I think if you want to go out with him, you need to ask him to hang out with you outside of school. Whatever it is you do outside of school, ask him to join you. This isn't the same as asking him out. If he sees that he can be comfortable with you outside of school, maybe then he can take the next step.

That makes sense and I think his family doesn't have a lot of money, so he thinks he's not good enough for me, according to my mom. Also I asked, he doesn't hang outside school, I even talked to our mutual friends who say so..

hmm I'd be wary. I'm also someone who has had a lot of guy friends in the past (though in recent years I've withdrawn a lot more and just stick to a small balance of male and female friends). When I look back I realize at the time just about all of them were flirtatious with me in one way or another - some seriously wanted to date me, others were more just playful.

This guys sounds a bit like he could be slotted into the "playful" category; he probably enjoys flirting with a pretty girl, but may not have serious intentions. I could think of several guys who were like that with me at school. I think unless he gets more serious with his feelings, don't get serious about him.

If he REALLY likes you (and it seems he's known you for quite a while now) he will probably try to take things to the next level, or get more serious with you. Remember, lots of guys (especially NT guys I've found), enjoy casual flirting without serious intentions with girl friends. I think it's harder for those of us with AS to understand this concept.

I could be reading into this, so correct me if I'm wrong. Sunshower's advice is also great!

I highly suspect he is interested with you, or the you he imagines you as... lol if that makes any sense(which I think most of us are a little guilty in taking part in when it comes to someone we are attracted to). I think he is also playing it safe and his comfort zone doesn't make any room for anything beyond what you've listed above. The "never had a girlfriend" bit tipped me off about that.

If you suspect that he likes you as a person, but not deeply in love with you, he may be madly in love with being able to express love to another human being (if it is new to him), or loves to fall in love in general - I know many who chase that feeling from relationship to relationship.

While researching AS this week, I came across an article that talked about AS male romantics and, while they would love to bond with someone else, initiating the steps towards a real, intimate, personal relationship is too tough a battle and easily flake as a way of getting themselves out of an uncomfortable situation. Everything from "Sorry, I'm actually seeing someone else" to you name it... my initial response was: that's pathetic, only because I don't like being lead on either but I can relate to it as I have done so myself a few times in High School. It is a-hole-ish, but the gap between my expectations and reality was too wide and if he has a tough time moving towards that first step, then that's something he's got to work on.

My own personal take, and correct me if I'm wrong:
I don't know this guys intention but if he is a good friend and he enriches your life, keep him, but only as a friend. (and if he displays feelings of affection, and you'd prefer to stay friends, then dump him.

I dont know about the "casual flirting" thing. All his friends tell me he's extremely quiet. Even female friends.
MarketAndChurch what you said made a lot of sense. It helps!

ahhh yes.... This how the guy "friends" usually behave to their girl "friend".

I think he really doesn't know what to do. He's attracted. He knows how to flirt. But he's probably intimidated by some aspect of you- perhaps that you have relationship experience and he doesn't, perhaps you are beautiful, perhaps he feels you are out of his league-and he's scared of taking the next step. Right now he's stuck in goofy flirting. I don't think he really knows the way out of that and how to be serious about being attracted to you. It's like a very junior form of fear of committment. It sounds like he's afraid to admit he really likes you and step up to what that entails so he stays in the safe zone of flirting that is intentionally silly rather than in any way sexual.

I don't think he means to play with your feelings. I think he's just scared to take the next step. My answer would be different if he had previous girlfriends but he didn't.

What next? That all depends on how you feel about him. If you are interested in him, you may have to actually ask him out.

Yes, this is hard for me to understand. For any female friend that I'd actually be interested in flirting with, I'd be happy if she were interested back. But maybe this says much more about level of experience than AS vs. NT. In other words, for me flirting, sex, and short term relationships all fall under the heading of "things I've been deprived of but want to experiment with". Therefore, there's really no such thing as "fake" flirting, as I'd take up most if not all serious offers in response. Much more likely is me mistaking flirting for real interest. But as people have more relationships, it seems they become more reluctant to become physically or romantically involved with just any one of their friends, but they still like flirting for its own sake, so they do it with people they wouldn't actually pursue.

Mind you, I'd think this "fake flirting" would be much more common for girls than for guys, because there are a lot fewer girls who would seriously reciprocate interest from almost any one of their friends than guys who would do the same. So plenty of guys (in my experience) would have plenty of chances to flirt even if they restricted themselves to girls they were truly interested in having sex with or dating. Whereas I have yet to meet a woman who is attracted to guy friends with any regularity, and therefore they have to sometimes flirt when they don't mean it, or else not play the flirting game at all.

He likes you back.


Look at your list of messages. Those are not "mixed."


('cause he does)


That's why. He's totally crazy crushing on you and he doesn't know what the hell to do about it. I suspect that *you're* going to have to be the one to do something about it -- if you want to. Stop asking him if he likes you; just tell him that he does. He'll see it your way, and then you'll have him wrapped around your little finger. Just be nice to him, OK? He's fragile.

This sounds like what my friend said today... I told her to "bring me up in conversation" tomorrow when she sees him. Since everyone thinks we should go out. She thinks he likes me deep down.

Thats what I used to think, but I don't want to get my hopes too high anymore.

If there's a reason not to get your hopes up, it's that he's never been in a relationship before and might not be any good at it as a complete beginner. That is, even if he's completely crazy about you (and I and a bunch of others here think he is), he still may be a lousy boyfriend. (Like, how good at guitar were you the first time you picked one up?) But, you won't know 'til you find out, right? Which I think you can easily do...

I dated my first and only boyfriend/best guy friend for 9 months. It was both of our first relationship. I wouldnt say he was a bad boyfriend, but we broke up mutually, no hard feelings, because we knew we were better off as friends. First loves are always special especially when both people are in their first relationship. I think I am the first girl who likes him that I know about, so he must not know how to respond.
Im still dont want to get my hopes up since he says he doesnt like me.

This puts a different spin on things. I'd say the advice of Janissy is more applicable in that case. Casual flirters are generally very consistent in that they casually flirt with everyone.