Dating Surrogate

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I have been thinking about something for a while now, and I would like to get opinions from the AS community. I am a very lonely man. I basically spend all my free time at home, or if I do go out, I have almost no one to go with. I really don't feel too much of a need for friends, but what I really feel I need is a girlfriend. At this point you are probably thinking, join the club. But I believe I have a novel solution to this problem.

I truly believe that what I need is a dating surrogate (as opposed to a sex surrogate). I really want to know why this does not exist! I would gladly be willing to pay a woman that I find attractive $100-200 to date me purely for the social experience. Furthermore, if she had a degree in psychology, she could function as a 'field' social tutor. I would find such a service invaluable! I would imagine that if I could meet a female psychology grad student, she would be perfectly capable of helping me, and would appreciate the extra money she could make for 'pseudo-dating' me. I want to be able to go places and do things that NTs do BUT on my own terms, and with a date at my side. In some ways, this would be a dream come true for me. I would imagine this would be a useful service for other Aspies, or potentially other people in general. Just think what it would have been like to have been able to hire someone to attend your high school prom with you, or other crucial occasions where you want someone else to be with.

Does anyone have any interest in something like this? Has anyone ever managed to have this type of experience? Any comments?

It sounds like a good idea on paper, but the risks are the same for escorts and prostitutes.

Sure, the woman with a degree knows what she's doing and it will also benefit her...but I doubt if they are a freshman (or whatever you call them) would do this and I doubt the Tutors would allow this also, being pretty young to be put in danger to an extent.

It's a great idea though...so as long as both parties agree to the TOC/S.

Good idea but a such business wouldn't work well because there's not much demand for it.

Normal guys start to date at a very young age (14-15), so they really don't need a dating tutor when they grow up.

Sure, you could just hire a standard escort for companionship, take her out and ask her for advice and tips about what you can improve. But I really don't see why you just wouldnt practice on free women. Why is one more or less embarrassing than the other? The escort isnt going to insulate you from rejection with a few lessons. Everyone gets rejected.

If you are going to get rejected anyway, then why pay for the starter lessons? Just jump into normal dating and make a bunch of mistakes. You'll pick it up with time.

Maybe other people might not want it, but at this point in my development I simply can not function socially around women! As for learning by trial and error on regular women, I am honestly too afraid. I need the structure provided by a working relationship. Maybe after I learn some of the basics, I might feel more comfortable. But right now trying to be social around women comes as naturally and feels as comfortable as trying to stab myself in the hand: no matter how much I try to psych myself up to doing it, I can't follow through. It would be totally different if I could take a passive role and let a woman initiate something and take TOTAL responsibility for everything. But I am 35 years old, and thus far in my life that has never happened.

I have two choices now. I can do nothing and continue feeling miserable for the rest of my life, or I can hire someone to tutor me socially. Bottom line, left on my own, I simply can not effectively interact with women. On my own I never will.

If you are going to get rejected anyway, then why pay for the starter lessons? Just jump into normal dating and make a bunch of mistakes. You'll pick it up with time.

Maybe paying for starter lessons is not so much about his fear of rejection, but not wanting to hurt other people who will be subjected to a "bunch of mistakes."

As a person who has been subjected to someone's "learning curve," I can tell you that it is not a pleasant experience. There is another person involved in normal dating..this person has feelings, emotions, wants and needs as well.

I think the idea of learning how to date from someone who knows what they are getting into, will not get emotionally attached and will be paid for the service is a much more honorable option.

Right. Well Ive certainly been there. But I think if you can't function socially around women then that should be your first area to improve without worrying about dating. That's what I did anyway. Just be where the women are and work on chatting with them. Then move on from there.

But there is nothing wrong with trying an escort. I'm not judging you. It's just not the way I did it.



Well, it's the way 99% of the population learns this stuff. I don't know what honor has to do with it. Unless he's going to visit the escort wearing a puffy shirt armed with a rapier.

I think reading social skills and situations books aimed at Asperger/ASD people and NT relationship/dating books that don't contain pickup artist stuff could also help you to get started.

99% of the population learns this at 15 as someone else on this thread said. A woman being approached by a 35 year old man will not be expecting she will be a "learning experiment" by him.

A person who will not hurt someone else just to have their own needs met is in my opinion an honorable person.

His level of experience is not an act of violence against women. They can say no to a second date if they don't like him. No gunplay need be involved.

I was referring to someone being emotionally hurt.

I understand that.

But you imagine she's teaching him relationship skllls? Or just basic flirting, dating conventions and general tips? I very much doubt he's going to leap to the head of the class in the nuances of long term relationships after a few weeks of consulting an escort. He's talking about learning basic comfort around women, etc.

An awkward guy honing his skills by having a few dates with someone should not be causing emotional distress to anyone.

There are books for ASD/Asperger people, that really start from basics, like why people don't like getting over-intense stare, which apparently scared one girl paladin tried to approach. Can't remember it's name now though, but there are probably several like that.

accidental double post

I disagree that people learn how to date at 15. At that age people only learn how to meet and interact with the opposite sex. IMHO, real dating is about romance and most people fail miserably at romantic effort, as the divorce rate surely indicates. Marriage is one long date and failure to realize that fact is why things are the way they are.

I sense that you need to learn how to be socially comfortable around the opposite sex FIRST. Paying someone to teach you how to do that isn't necessary as you will find many people willing to do so for free, when you meet them in the appropriate venue. I would suggest learning to socially interact with women through group meetings that incorporate an interest or subject that is important to you. It could be an Aspergers group or one that involves your academic, work, cause based or hobby interests. When you get to know some of the women in the group, then you can progress to the next level of interaction.

Make sure you exhibit a good level of self confidence, if not work on that aggressively (exercise, meditation, self help books, etc.). Make sure you are not being 'desperate', if you are emotionally or sexually 'needy' you aren't going to get anywhere, and again work on that as necessary. You must attain the best possible psychological foundation because that gets integrated into any relationships you develop. Shaky foundation = shaky structure.

You cannot fake confidence or emotional security as your behavior (especially body language) will give you away. NTs aren't blind to those cues, even if they aren't picking them up consciously, they can sense your degree of internal stability. You don't have to be cocky or stoic, just making the effort to be strong will earn you respect and make it more likely that you'll be considered worthy of 'investment' socially or amorously.

Always keep in mind that you're not in a race. What you want is quality of relationship and that is well worth taking your time finding and developing, in order for it to be worth keeping.

I fully agree with you...I am 21 and I feel like I haven't learnt anything from my three relationships as they were through pity, neglect and online in that order.

I think if everyone took their time and only decided to marry after about 5 or so years (of course this is only an opinion) after getting to know everything about their partner then that'd be the way forward for everybody...

Being rejected is of course a valuable lesson, but it doesn't always teach people to try again...it can have the opposing effect and most people don't learn to start dating at 15...I only dated a girl at the age of 16 and that was out of pity (she kept going on about having no boyfriend)...and I wish I waited now...as I feel totally put off about dating ever again now through those three experiences.