Does he like me?

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Hello everyone,
I really need a little advice. I've been mad about a 21 year old male Aspie for over a year, and feel completely lost. When we first started hanging out (within the first week) I had a bit too much to drink and told him (badly) how I felt. He said he wanted to be friends, and quite honestly seems terrified! But even though that was a year ago, we still see each other a lot, and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He's really into books, and has brought me his favorites when he comes over for tea. And the other night we went out, and spent the whole night dancing with each other, hugging each other, cuddling up to each other etc... But he is CRAZY awkward with me, and barely looks me in the eye. And every now and then he seems to get really annoyed / frustrated by me, and just walks away. And he'll tell me he wants to meet up, but then cancel at the last minute. But he always seems to be watching me when I'm talking to others, or mentioning me to friends. And I definately make him laugh more than most! In otherwords, he definately seems interested in me, but I can't tell as a friend or more. I know he said he wants to be friends before, but that was a year ago, and quite frankly I feel like I just overwhelmed him.

He has never had a girlfriend, seems awkward around women and I am pretty sure is a virgin. So I know this all must be a little confusing for him. I guess what my main question is, can an aspie do the things us norms call flirting (touching, intimate chats etc...) but it mean nothing to them other then friendship?

Honestly? I think he likes you, or maybe likes the idea that you like him.

The watching-you-talking-to-others thing.... there was a guy on my course who I asked out in first year (he said no) but then as we became better friends started to do this too. I was kind of flattered because it was a little bit like 'now he's got to know me, he likes me'- but I didn't taken any steps to confirm it because I went out with a guy almost identical to him a year later and if I thought I was getting mixed messages before the relationship (yes, that one too. Took me a while to learn) it was nothing to the stress being in a relationship with a guy who can't get their 'messages' right.

After we broke up, I found my current boyfriend quite quickly. The ex wanted to be friends and for months was just that, he even tried getting back with his old girlfriend. Until he found out about my current boyfrind and then suddenly I was his 'true love' and crap like that. Literally, the guy turned up on my door and posted these creepy ass letters saying he wanted me to break up with my boyfriend and how I had hurt him and then he even had the gall to admit in one letter than he didn't want me as a girlfriend again, he just didn't want me seeing other guys! What a creep...

So, the reason I'm giving this little ramble is this; in my experience, asking out a guy who gives mixed messages is a recipe for stress, no matter what their underlying pathology. Wait until they make their message clear or find another guy who isn't ambiguous. Just because he's hanging around like a jealous puppy when you're talking to other guys does not mean he's in love. It may just mean that he's marked you as 'his'.

But that's just my 2 cents, and I will admit these days I'm a little cynical.

I think Lene best sums up my position.

I too think he likes you. But an aspie male can be as complicated (if not more) then a women... He seems to only be comfortable with a friendship - anything more will overwhelm him. But I also know he wants to be more then that, but doesn't know how to. Honestly... as good as a guy as he might be, he can and probably will present problems beyond those you come across within a normal friendship.

It's funny, you both summed up exactly what my friends tell me!

1) He probably doesn't really like me, he just feels like I'm 'his'.
2) No matter what he's gonna be trouble. That it could be a blessing in disguise that I can't seem to get him.

But I am just so crazy about him, he's all I think about etc. I just don't know how to let him go. I kind of start to move forward, but then we run into each other and his mixed signals send me back to square one. Its horrible really.

I think I need advice on how to walk away really! (but oddly enough, the more I try to walk away, the more needy he seems to get. Definately a case of wanting what you can't have)

he might like you, if he brings you his favourite books (i assume from what you wrote that he lets you keep them for a while), and if he hugs and cuddles, he at least is comfortable around you, i know i wont do that to almost all of my (female) friends, and dont feel bad about the eye-contact, it's just an ASD thing, eyecontact usually hurts us, so we limit how often this happens.

as for the flirting question; this is very much possible, unfortunately, becouse we typically dont know a flirt from a snear and therefor often dont even realise we are flirting...

Bringing books over for tea and dancing. I am so jealous.

I wouldn't be so quick as to say that he doesn't genuinely like you. I can easily see my former innocent self in him if it were with a girl I liked.

Oh No, don't give me hope! I do realise he's an Aspie, so I try to be patient, but at the same time, come on already! If he liked me, there have been a hundred occasions when he could have made a move. He once (after a party) even slept in my bed with me, although nothing happened. He seemed uncomfortable about the whole thing, like he didn't know where to put his arms etc. but hey, at least he stayed!

Ugh, I'm so jaded by the whole thing. What would you guys do if you were in my position?

(and thanks so much for the advice, it really means a lot)

I only gave you some initial hope.

I've chosen not to let you know about the horrors that usually occur after managing to lock a relationship with an Aspie male.

I seem to be trapped in a lose-lose situation...

This may sound stupid but have you tried adressing the situation with him (again)?

Most people feelings change over time, wether they are nts or aspies, he seems to have become closer to you over time and you seem to have some strong feelings about him so why dont you try to explain him how you feel(may I suggest doing it sober this time to avoid any possible regrets) and if he feels the same way he´ll let you know.


He definately seems to care a lot about you so if he doesnt feel the same way he´d probably want to remain as friends.

This should resolve things quite nicely:

"Are you interested in being my boyfriend?"

Be forwarned though that you will have to put up with most of his AS related traits if he says "yes", and his communication abilities as well as his ability to navigate difficult times in a relationship are probably quite lacking.

If he just walks away from you when he can't cope, that is a very large indicator of a potential problem.

You should have mentioned the bed episode at the start. I think it is clear he has feelings for you but his idea of intimacy may not be the same as yours.

well, he probarbly is just too shy/scared/"nice" to make his move.
if he slept in your bed with you, and tried to cuddle up sleeping... you probarbly dont realise what that means, but it's a big thing as far as i know (more so then just a 'normal' couch cuddle).

trust me, i even have trouble sleeping in the same (double) bed with my sister, so if i were to sleep in someone else's bed, that's saying something.

You've got good friends. I'd listen to them

Bit bizarre the whole bed thing, but it doesn't make his behaviour any less stressful of confusing I'd imagine. He doesn't sound capeable of a relationship, whether part of him wants one or not. And I bet he's totally aloof when you're doing all the work in the friendship

As for how to forget, for me being around him was a reminder and brought up feelings (luckily with the ex, it was mainly an 'online' friendship), with the other friend I just kind of mentally adopted him as a 'younger brother' type friend instead (nothing puts a nix on romantic feelings as quickly ) . Simply not hanging around together will cure a lot of it, as will finding someone else (though they don't always come along at convenient times- just be open to opportunities to meet other people ).

I found 'He's Just Not that Into You' - the book not the film- was helpful in that it put into words for me a lot of the behaviour I was experiencing with the ex and helped ground me everytime I got rose tinted about the past and what little things could have meant ('oh, but he held my hand spontaneously once... it must have been true wuv..')

Good luck whatever route you decide on though; as I said, I may be biased. If you want to give it a shot, by all means fire ahead just don't be afraid to get out if it's doing your head it.

Thank you so much for all the honest advice, it's very much appreciated!

Deep down I know he likes me (although I'm not sure how much) but I think you are all right when you say he is probably not ready for a relationship. I'll try much harder not to be hurt when he acts all aloof around me. There is no point me trying to push him to making something happen, so I might as well try to relax. If it happens, it happens.

I would love to have the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend, but considering I already attempted to tell him how I felt and was shot down, I don't think my pride could take another beating. It would be just too painful for me, if TWICE he said he just wants to be friends

Honestly, if he was a bit more comfortable in his own skin, I know he would have asked me out by now. And I suppose that will have to be enough for now

I'll let you all know if anything new happens! Thanks again for all the lovely support xx