This still haunts me to this day

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I never knew that I had asperger`s when I was in high school. However, when I was diagnosed a few years ago, it explained a lot about my teenage years. Most specifically, it explained my biggest screw up when it comes to interactions with girls. The fallout from this incident seriously hurt my self-esteem and I was never again able to be as open about my feelings with a girl.

There was a girl that I liked all throughout high school. I was very single-minded about my affections for this girl and I remember ignoring it when other girls flirted with me (something I now seriously regret). In grade 9, I would follow her around and say hi every chance that I get. However, this started to disturb her and she told the guidance councilor and I eventually had to confront her and apologize for my stalkerish behaviour.

It should have ended right there and I wish it ended right there. However, somehow I thought that I still had a chance with this girl. It was probably made worse by the fact that I went to Greece (where my dad was working) for my entire second year of high school. I had a whole year to pine for this girl and it made my feelings stronger than ever.

Anyways, strike two came in grade 11 when I finally got the nerve to ask her out. She said no, talked to the guidance councilor (again), who told my mom. However, I still couldn`t realize that I didn`t ever have a chance with this girl. I would continue to pursue her until one day in grade 12 she just told me to ``go away``....and I did.

The consequence of pursuing this girl until the breaking point was that it actually destroyed all the self-esteem I built in my efforts to be with her. I was never the same around girls. I would not even bother talking to them, unless they addressed me first. There are girls that I really liked since this girl, however I was afraid to make a move, since I didn`t want to be as badly rejected again.

I`ve made steps to recover in the years since (and the asperger`s diagnosis helps), however this failure still haunts me.

If I fixated on every embarrassing failure I ever had, I would never have learned a thing about women. You just need to press on. Leave the depressing thoughts for bedtime but make sure you act when when opportunities arise.

Everyone gets rejected at times and everyone is a loser at times.

You're not the only one who cringes at what they've said or done in the past. Just try not to think about it. And try to think a bit longer before speaking in future.

Its common to get deluded into thinking someone may like you. I did it a couple of times, and lots of NTs I know did.

I remember every botched attempt, dumb thing I've said, and embarrassing non-reciprocated display of affection. I once kissed a girl on the cheek, and the look on her face made me feel disgusted with how I acted, how I could ever dare show any kind of affection for another person, because I was not worthy to offer affection to her. I just know any girl I try to hug or kiss would react the same way: "You don't deserve to touch me you worm," she must think, because that's how it's been in the past, and I hate myself because of it. Sometimes I beat my head just to get the memories to go away, but that is just one of the many curses f*****g god bestowed on us while he blessed everyone else.

In my case I've just quit trying because there is no one for me, and i suggest everyone else do the same!

The fact that you even thought you had a chance after she the FIRST time talked to her guidance councilor amazes me.

Seriously, how the, like, how the f**k do you think you even had a chance after the first time? o_O
i mean thats the same as a woman going to the police to get a restraining order on a stalker, and the stalker still thinks "Nah, it's okey, i still have a chance"

This does not have to do with being rejected, this has to do with that you didn't know when to stop when you had to stop.
You kept on stalking this girl and creeped her out.
The fact that you didn't take the hint and kept on stalking her, and still obsessed over her when you were away for 1 year, to me, that shows you have some issues that you need to work out = /


You need to learn to take a hint when it's thrown at you =A=
And maybe some help from a psychologist.

I wouldn't be so hard on him. Times have changed. Now you can get slapped with a harassment suit just by looking at a girl wrong. There was a time when the OPs persistence would've been considered romantic. How many of us have grandparents who told stories about how their significant other followed them, and asked them out again and again, and finally they relented and...fell in love.

Jesus Christ, Shakespeare's sonnets would probably be deemed stalkerish today. That girl should've been grateful someone thought so highly of her. I'd LOVE to be in her place, because I've never been desired or pined for any any f*****g girl. Granted every side has its' downside, but at the end of the day, it is far, far better to be desired TOO much, than not at all. At least in one case it means someone is thinking of you.

Shame on the girl for dragging a bloody counselor into it.

I want to emphasize that these events happened 12-15 years ago and I have long since learned from them.

I shouldn't have used the world stalk, because it wasn't what I was doing (at least not intentionality).

I was just a dumb kid that a) had no idea at the time that I had asperger's b) had no idea about the proper way of courting a girl.

well I was too depressed, numb to reality, and missed too much of high school to do what you did in HS, but I too did the same when I was in middle school, and am embarrassed at the thought that I put someone through that, and that there are many people who were both aware of that, and remember you for it. I've moved on since then but I find that I need time for my mind to heal All those years of constructed fantasies have taken a toll on my subconscious as she pops up occasionally in my dreams or when I'm daydreaming on the way to work (much like what happens on the movie "Inception" except Cobb intentionally traps her whereas its a horrible memory for me that's always on instant-reply.)

you sound like you've learned not to do that or become "obsessed" with people you suddenly become attracted to.

(I think for me, part of it is that, in addition to all my problems - which is a lengthy list - I also have very low testosterone)

I can't say I know how to heal from something like this as I haven't even done so, but I would guess that one way is to acknowledge that something was lost and to give yourself time to mourn over it. (the opposite of what others might say that you need to immediately move on.) Feel free to share how you've tried to overcome it as well.

I think its healthy that you share this tidbit as you are not alone in this experience. I also would say that beyond the obvious need to heal and let go is the need to talk reassess who you are, your strengths, weaknesses(be honest with all of them), and be realistic about who you decide to pursuit in the future. If you put compatibility and companionship before attraction, you'll greatly increase your chances of success. Consider to a social dynamics or attraction/body language boot camp like:

http://afterhello.com/

...but if you think that the tension form being in front of a bunch of people will break you, make sure to email the instructors first of your aspergers and ask if it was okay if they let you do more observing then actually take part in drills. There are many resources to help "train" you to manage your short comings but it's not a habit you can kick instantly - it'll require life-long learning and many more disappointments. Update us on what you decide to do and how things go.

I honestly think you can write this off as part of the mistakes made by a teenager with naive views of social situations and a tendency to obsess. You appear to have grown and learned from the experience.