One of my best female friends visited me yesterday and...

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starryeyedvoyager
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12 May 2011, 11:07 am

... I don't know, I am a little confused about her and could use some help trying to figure this all out.

Some background:
I know her for about 12 years now. Been going to high school with her, and she was one of my first friends I made there (one out of... 2 to be exact), or to be more precise: she made me her friend. We lived on the same street, so it was very comfortable as it was easy to meet up for learning and stuff. We mostly were hanging about at my room, usually me doing stuff at my computer and she was either eating, doing some homework with me, or sleeping in my bed. She is a bit of a wild girl, with the majority of her other friends being punks, and she was always into punks. This is one of the reasons I never cared for her beyond mutual friendship, allthough I always found her to be mind-numbingly beautiful. I always thought it was odd that she wanted to be friends with me because of her tendency of being so... well, wild and shallow at times. On the other hand, she is one of the very few persons on this planet that understands me when I'm talking with her, and I do understand her a whole lot better then most others.
Now, after we finished High School, we kinda lost contact with each other, but we managed to hook up for a meeting at least once a year (together with my other best female friend).
I just met her yesterday, and like our meeting before (about 6 months ago), it felt odd. She contacted me because she had some legal issues and since she couldn't afford seeing a real attorney, she asked me to help her out a little. Both times, we spent about 1 hour doing her legal stuff, and about 5 to 6 hours just talking. And on both occasions, she talked about her
on/off boyfriend, and how she just recently broke up with him. I thought she just needed a shoulder to cry on, but I somehow feel she had other intentions. She literally asked me if she should try again with him. Didn't know what to say other than no, because he treats her like s**t (which I should have mentioned earlier: almost all of her boyfriends were total douches. I mean really, some low-life arrogant skinny punks who were doing drugs) and on top of all, is doing drugs, mainly meth and cocaine.
So, we were talking away, and for some reason she pointed it out quite often that she broke up wih him. She also asked me if I believed in true love, and I said that I don't know since I've never been in love with anyone before, and wouldn't know where to find it, she said something like: "Maybe you don't have to go looking at all. Just wait till it finds you!".

So long story short: Was she coming on to me or something? I mean seriously, I am completely blind to flirting and all, and for my standards, there was quite alot of physical contact involved when we were talking (more than I am comfortable with, to be frank), but I know her very well., and these things seemed just way out of the ordinary. She is a very open-hearted girl, but she has never been that way around me, or to be precise: with me. When she called me and asked me if I could help her out, when I said it was no problem, she literally said "I love you". You could argue that the context is different when someone helps you out, but it is not usual to say "I love you" here in Germany too casually, and I never heard her saying that to any other of her friends. She does know that I have AS (which I told her 6 months ago).
My mother always told she thought that my friend had a huge crush on me, which I never thought to be a possibility, mainly because I am so not the type of guy she usually dates (both physically - I am a rather large and wide-framed guy, and she always ends up with skinny guys who are just a little taller than her - and mentally - without wanting to sound arrogant: I am not a complete jackass). I really don't know how to handle the situation. When I brought her to the station, she asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo with her (that seems random, right? The zoo? With me?). I mean, she even said she liked my hairstyle and my beard (I simply didn't shave for a week), or my new jacket.

Sorry for the wall of text, but this situation is seriously messing with me and my emotions. Allthough, since I am not the overweight nerd I was when I finished high school, and for the first time in 25 years could understand that a woman might actually find me physically attractive (mainly becaus I did sports on a daily basis for the past 3 years, and thank god it's starting to show), when it comes to that, I really would not understand what she would want with me, as I am still waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of her league.



Daredevil-Aspie
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12 May 2011, 11:43 am

Let's break this down:

1. Your mother believed that this girl had a crush on you early on.

2. Recently, the girl repeatedly reminded you that she was now single.

3. The girl brought up "true love" around this time.

4. She's handing out unique compliments.

My conclusion would be that she may very well be interested in you. But you need to return her interest or she'll soon have somebody else on her arm. Avoid confessing your affection for her verbally... I'd recommend showing her you're interested in a physical manner. Start off by holding hands.



starryeyedvoyager
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12 May 2011, 12:30 pm

Thanks for your insight on this matter, I'm much obliged.

My problem is that I am not even sure what my feelings are. I do find myself attracted to her very much when it comes to the physical part, but I am luckily able to emancipate myself from pure instinctual urges like raw physical attraction (at least for the most part), and I do value her as a very close friend. We do have a mental connection, like I said, but I think I would never be able to put up with her and her chaotic lifestyle, her HUGE amount of social ties and all that (apart from the fact that we would make an odd couple just by the looks).

As for your advice, I am not sure how I would be able to just casually hold hands or something like that. The physical contact is always initiated by her, and I can't just grab her hand. I have an insane inhibition threshold when it comes to make physical contact to women. I always feel I might do things that she does not like or that crosses the line of her comfort level, and I could not stand that a girl or woman thinks I am just some horny groper. I know it is part of my state as an Aspie, but it is one of the most annoying things that I still can't figure out what amount of physical interaction is appropriate to a certain situation. This even shows when I give her a hug for greetings (she is the only woman I do this with), even though she started this habit, I still feel terribly uncomfortable with it. Where do I put my arms? Do I squeez her too tight (my biggest fear, since I am already quite strong, and have trouble controlling my muscle contraction from time to time? Does she want me to lift her up a little bit (she alwas seems to cling when we to this, and since I am alot taller than her, I don't know, does she expect me to do this?).



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12 May 2011, 2:06 pm

Seems like even if she is into you (and that seems possible) you getting with her could make your life difficult, she's chaotic and accociates with drug addicts, on the other hand you could be the stablising factor that could help her get back on track and away from people like that.


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starryeyedvoyager
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12 May 2011, 4:50 pm

See, that is what I always thought: she needs some persistance. She is a really smart woman, but she always sells herself short, and I never understood how a clever person like she is always seems to go for guys that either treat her bad, or have just too many problems to be a suitable mate. She always said that she never did drugs, and I have no reason to believe that is not true, has she never showed any signs of it (and I do have former friends who went down that road, and believe me, it showed both hard and quick). That is one part of her that I could never figure out, and I am sad I could not help her somehow to break out of this mess.
Oh well, I guess it's no use bothering about it anyhow, as she'll either get together with her ex again, or will find a new jerkhole before I even begin figuring this all out. I guess her behavior was just a little out of the ordinary because of her break up and I just failed interpreting it right. Maybe some part of me just liked the idea to be with someone that understands me for a second, and that subconcious thought got the better of my judgement.